A New Prophet: Me?

If you don’t mind me saying this, God, I think it’s time for another prophet. It has been more than 1,300 years or 2,000 years, depending on whether Mohammed or Jesus was the last prophet to represent your interests. There is some debate about that here on earth. If you feel like trying again, I would like to offer myself as your next prophet. I don’t care how many came before me or will come after me. I’m just happy to serve.

Consider my strengths:

• I am an excellent listener and translator. As you know, I was a newspaper reporter for five years and then a business writer for nearly three decades. Obviously, I have a proven track record of faithfully reproducing the thoughts of others for a wide and diverse audience.
• I have been recognized as a kind, considerate, compassionate and -- may I say? -- humble person. Just the kind of guy you want on your team.
•  I have been wearing sandals every summer since middle school. 

I have studied the parables of Jesus extensively, and believe I could instruct wayward people in compelling ways using 21st Century examples. Just off the top of my head, mustard seed might become café au lait with a shot of caramel. Killing a calf to welcome the return of the prodigal son is unheard of in modern civilization. Instead, maybe the kid’s parents pay off his remaining college loans. This is the type of creativity you can expect from Joe Fumo the Prophet.

The rest of this document assumes my role would be to convey your wishes that people do not let earthly desires sidetrack them from receiving their eternal reward. That’s what other prophets focused on, and I’m cool with it. If we’re in agreement, then we can go in one of two directions:

(1) You tell me exactly what you want people to hear, and I will deliver public speeches, write sacred texts, use the Internet to its full potential, and pay close attention to emerging media as vital communication outlets.

(2) You give me general guidelines on key messages -- the 30-million-foot view -- and I’ll convey them in my own way (e.g., parables relevant to the present age).

Whatever method you choose, I will do my very best to spread the word far and wide. Like you, I think people focus too much energy on the pursuit of pleasure. Men chase women, women buy handbags, and so on and so forth.

The real question is: How to cut through the clutter? How to make it clear that my words are actually your words? For centuries, people have been warned about false prophets. That does not appeal to me one iota. No, sir! I want to be the real thing.

Consider giving me a physical feature that would scream “sent from above.” How about as I’m speaking your word to the multitudes, whenever I blink, they see a vision of yourself in a white robe with arms outstretched? Or my fingernails sparkle in a shifting palette of colors when I deliver your message, but revert to normal after each sentence? The possibilities are endless!

This may satisfy onlookers, but others would still be suspicious. That’s where the written word really needs to dazzle. Reading my works (or yours, we’ll have to figure out the royalties) could put the reader in a trance. They would suddenly feel warm on cold days, and cold on warm days. On pleasant days, their body would mysteriously vibrate just enough to know you are nudging them toward infinity. This would apply to both the traditional and Braille versions of our works.

Between the blinking, the fingernails, the temperature changes and the subtle vibrations, this ought to take care of 90 percent of the population. Let the other 10 percent rot in hell. I mean, what’s it there for? As nasty as hell sounds, it serves a purpose because it encourages good behavior here on earth. If I’m as effective a prophet as I think I can be -- given some of the ideas I’ve outlined -- then I’ll drastically change the heaven/hell ratio. After I’m gone, people will gradually forget my core teachings and fall back into bad habits. Wait a couple centuries and send another prophet to get the ratio back up to 90/10, would be my suggestion.

Rather than playing the prophet game, why not simply pay us a visit yourself? Pick a day and appear everywhere simultaneously on that day each year until we finally see things your way. January 1 is an obvious choice, but don’t rule out the day after Thanksgiving, when many people are just beginning to honor your son by buying Christmas gifts.

Would I make a good prophet, or what?

Ethnic Restaurants

When humans dine on Earth 2.0, will they have a wide array of ethnic cuisine to choose from?  I hope so, but not at the expense of ethnic warfare. If the latter is necessary for the former to exist, then perhaps porridge, broth, grog and ale will have to suffice. It would be a shame, though, if future people could not enjoy eggplant parmesan or a savory enchilada.

The larger question is whether humans will place so many borders around themselves in their new world. With free will, anything's possible. That's why I'm so keen on you giving people free will with restrictions. They won't have to know about the restrictions -- just like we don't know how the universe came to be. Make it outside the realm of possibility. People will realize that they can live wherever they want (e.g., right here, over by that mountain, near the white sandy beach), but they won't have the capacity to label a certain space a country or a state or a city.

Do you realize how much money could be saved in forest ranger outfits alone, if we didn't have so darn many governmental units? Just one design and one color, not hundreds or thousands of variations!

Earthly Rewards

Today's mail included rewards from two companies that I patronize: a hardware store and a telecommunications giant. Other firms also reward me for my business, including an office supply outlet, a banking organization, and a handful of others that are not top of mind. Competition has gotten to the point where businesses feel they have to reward their customers or they'll never seem 'em again.

Suggestion for Earth 2.0: If you allow capitalism, please find some way for two hardware stores in close proximity to enjoy reasonable profits without saddling their customers with frequent savings alerts and thank-you bucks. We spend more time redeeming our earthly rewards than we do striving for spiritual rewards. Yet another example of free will spiraling out of control!

Time Release

I believe the most rewarding type of comedy is when the humor gradually unfolds. Sure, Three Stooges head-bonking has a certain charm, but you don't really analyze it and share its nuances with friends. Moe simply brings the heads of Larry and Curly forcefully together, and they react as you would expect. Contrast that to Monty Python's brilliant "Lumberjack" skit, in which the singing lumberjack turns from a masculine tree-cutting dynamo to a cross dresser. We are surprised by the end result, despite the lumberjack giving us clues throughout. Does he not confess to going shopping, having buttered scones for tea, and even pressing wild flowers? The slow buildup keeps us enthralled.

I bring up "time release" comedy because it mirrors our understanding of life on earth and the cosmos around us. The first humans did not understand that gravity held their feet to the ground and also caused our planet to orbit the sun. Gradually, we became inquisitive and built ever more powerful devices to study the forces of nature. I have no problem with the slow buildup of knowledge. But why did it take until just a few years ago for text messaging to emerge? Pheidippides wouldn't have had to run from Marathon all the way to Athens to communicate a battlefield victory. If you recall, he dropped dead just after delivering the news. Ouch!

That's just one example. Perhaps a silly one, but in the new world you're designing, what the heck? Roll the dice and see if an accelerated understanding of our world and development of useful gadgets is a good thing. If the answer is Yes, then "time release" comedy probably wouldn't be as funny. Humorous head-bonking will seem like an art.

Margin for Error

In American football, an offensive lineman flinches and the referee throws a flag for "illegal movement." The lineman's team is backed up 10 yards, or 10% of the entire field of play. What has the world come to when a human being cannot move a neck muscle two inches to the left or right without being admonished in front of 70,000 people -- and millions more watching the televised broadcast?

This is in stark contrast to many other common activities, where the margin for error is much greater. For example, males who stand when they urinate have a generous bowl to accommodate various angles and velocities of their streams. Tying shoelaces has built-in flexibility and ample opportunities to start all over again. I'm just looking for consistency with respect to what society tolerates and what it does not. I thought I'd raise this with you since you're taking a good hard look at the entire spectrum of humanity.

Complex Coupons

Must it be so complicated to buy consumer goods? This morning, an advertisement for a department store had me titillated with the promise of "50% off and more" on literally thousands of items storewide. My eyes were bulging out of their sockets when they came upon a coupon offering an extra 20% off a single sale price apparel or fine jewelry item.

My world sobered up in a hurry when I read the fine print. Said coupon was useless on Yellow Dot Clearance, Incredible Value merchandise, Bonus Buys, Door Busters and many other items -- including Breast Cancer Awareness merchandise! I put the advertisement aside and turned to a competitor's flyer, where I could get $10 off a purchase of $25 or more, provided I did not choose Everyday Values, Specials, Super Buys, selected Licensed Departments or a few dozen other categories -- including Not Your Daughter's Jeans!

After you destroy all life on our planet and give it a total makeover, I hope that saving money on consumer goods is easier than spelling Massachusetts. Wait a minute: I just thought of something. Maybe you're trying to stop us from shopping in the first place. If so, what a brilliant way of getting your point across!.

Hide the Bad News

If there are newspapers or magazines on Earth 2.0, could you see to it that bad news does not make the front page or the cover? Matter of fact, it would be great if that stuff appeared exclusively on left-hand pages, which take more effort to find. If you care to go a step further, make the editors of the future use smaller type for the bad news than they do for the good news.

To summarize, stories like "Inspector Finds No Problems Whatsoever With City Playgrounds" should appear on a right-hand page, while stories like "Bolsheviks Execute Czar Nicholas II and Family" should appear on a left-hand page in smaller type. How about a smaller type size and a smaller font? For example, Arial Narrow 9 pt. for the bad news vs. Arial 10 pt. for the good news. I'll leave the details up to you.

If there are computers on Earth 2.0, I ask that you make it difficult for us to find bad news. It could be as simple as, "For sorrow and heartbreak, click here." You with me?

Round and Round

I'm told that the moon orbits the earth, the earth orbits the sun, and the sun orbits the center of the Milky Way galaxy. On a much tinier level, I'm told that an atom consists of electrons orbiting around a nucleus of protons and neutrons.

If all this is true, it certainly explains why humans always seem to go round in circles and can never finish anything important (like ending poverty or rush hour traffic). It also explains why the 100-meter dash is so thrilling: (1) starting gun, (2) everybody runs in a straight line for 9-10 seconds, (3) the winner breaks the tape. A less thrilling, but equally satisfying, example is walking to your local hardware store, buying a hammer, walking home, and pounding a nail so you can hang your framed Magritte poster. Boom! Mission accomplished.

If you want my opinion (and why wouldn't you, if I was truly created in your image?), I think we're destined for misery as long as we remain out of sync with the fundamental principles of the universe. To be in perfect harmony, humans need to be orbiting one another. I'm not sure how practical this would be. Just thinking out loud here... I see children orbiting their parents throughout the day, and parents orbiting their neighbors (or maybe their parents, or even their supervisors if they work outside the home). Neighborhoods could orbit other neighborhoods, cities could orbit cities, supervisors could orbit supervisors, businesses could orbit businesses, and so forth. Clearly, I'm out of my element here. But I'm sure you can figure it out. That's why we call you God!

Dementia & Such

Not sure how you're going to approach degenerative brain disorders in 2.0. If you feel strongly about them, may I make a suggestion? Allow the person to retain only good memories and forget the bad ones. That way, you would win and we would win.

To use myself as an example, I'd like to remember all of my birthday parties, children, island vacations and terrific bargains on consumer goods. At the same time, I'd like to completely forget about the day in second grade when I (expletive deleted) in my pants because I was too embarrassed to ask to be excused from class so I could take a proper dump. Or the times that my "humor" was mistaken for "criticism" or "sarcasm." See where I'm "going" with this?

Hair

I have no problems with the gradual decay of the human body. It's right in line with the gradual growth and development of a person -- from "Mama, Dada" through K-12 education through career twists/turns through relationship ups/down all the way to the moment one ceases to be. If you look on the bright side, old age has its benefits. Younger people are often quite pleasant around them, and show them a great deal of respect. One reason, I'm sure, is because they realize that old people will soon cease to be.

For Earth 2.0, may I ask that you keep an aging person's hair youthful and dynamic right to the end? Give them a little victory each day. Let me offer you an example. In the song, "Why I Sing the Blues," B.B. King belts out these lines:
Now Father Time is catching up with me
Gone is my youth
I look in the morning every day
And Lord it tells me the truth

Let mirrors of the future balance aging facial features with a full head of hair, styled as desired by the decaying person.

Human Digestive System

This is a master stroke! It certainly helps the cause of religious fundamentalists who think evolution is a bunch of rubbish. "How can such a complex organism as a human being have come from fish who learned how to crawl out of the gosh darn ocean?" they have been known to ask. Now, I'm sure all creatures have a digestive system, but ours is in a class by itself. Since we're on top of the food chain -- and therefore able to eat anything below us -- you knew that the human digestive system would have to be extremely complex to get the job done. I wanted to point out one of your strengths to balance my many critiques.

Speaking of which, may I offer a suggestion to make our digestive system even more awesome than it is? Less gas, please. It ruins many car trips and courtships.

Too Courteous

As a followup to my last entry (Simple Courtesies), I find it equally disconcerting when a driver is too courteous. One day later, at the very same four-way stop where I was subjected to a non-blinking motorist, I pulled up to the intersection in order to turn left and begin my day. Another vehicle, to my left, pulled up a few moments before I did, thus entitling him to proceed first. The driver did not advance. I waited another few seconds, in case he was distracted or still waking up. Nothing. So I took my turn (his turn, actually) because I really wanted my day to begin. If I recall correctly, I used your name in vain. Sorry about that.

I realize that inconsistent behavior, of the kind I have just documented, makes the human race fascinating. And it's probably responsible for many scientific and cultural achievements. That's great. But I wish human inconsistencies would not also be annoying to the point where names are taken in vain.  Can you look into that?

Simple Courtesies

There are any number of reasons why a person making a right turn at a four-way stop sign would not signal, thereby causing me -- who pulled up at the same time to the driver's right and wishing to turn right -- to wait a few extra seconds because I expected the person to proceed across the intersection in front of me. Had the person activated the vehicle's blinker, I could have turned right sooner. Although this is not "the end of the world," I find this sort of arbitrary approach to society's laws and simple courtesies a little troubling, to be honest. If this type of behavior goes unchecked, the person could well become a cold, heartless killer and be totally surprised when arrested, convicted and violated in prison by a same-sex inmate.

I would like to see the new world populated exclusively by respectful people -- the kind who might have performed on, attended or routinely watched "The Lawrence Welk Show" on public television (see photo below). I'm not expecting everyone to be conservative robots. These same respectful people could have raucous jamborees in their basements or vomit from overeating. As long as they don't cause delays or uncertainty for people at the Earth 2.0 equivalent of a four-way stop.

Waiting 2.0

In the future, will people have to wait a long time for things? These are some of the major events in life that often take too long:
(a)  Waiting for Santa Claus
(b)  Waiting for the bus
(c)  Waiting for your name to be called by the Department of Motor Vehicles
(d)  Waiting for your luggage in baggage claim
(e)  Waiting for the right person to come along so you can find love or marriage
(f)  Waiting for your career to take off
(g)  Waiting to die when you're in extremely poor health

My suggestion would be to assess each person's capacity to wait without going bonkers, and then keep their waiting times under that threshold. If this works, you could do the same for pain. Or even disappointment, if you don't mind a somewhat broader category.

High School Clubs

Will high schools in your newly designed world have clubs for Photography, Art, Chess, Math and all the usual interests of youths who are on the precipice on adulthood? Or will you jazz it up with topics like Homework Avoidance Strategies, Unique Ways to Start a Conversation, Mating Rituals and Future Wine Critics? Prepare them for the real word, I say.

While I'm on the subject, I wonder if high school will even be necessary. If you design a perfect world, everyone would be born with just the right amount of education they need. Why force kids to sit in a classroom for seven hours a day when they could be making valuable contributions to society?

Instead of formal instruction from ages 5 to 18, consider making all knowledge accessible by pressing firmly on a body part, such as the collarbone. Whatever you wish when you press will instantly come to life. A Dome of Knowledge would envelop you and three-dimensional information would appear. You would never have to ask your dad how a garage door opener works!

Sports Teams

I've given you many serious suggestions to incorporate into Earth 2.0, so here's an entirely optional idea that you may want to kick around after you've fixed a particularly big problem. Virtually all sports teams are geographic-based. New York Yankees. Manchester United. Green Bay Packers. South Africa Springboks. Los Angeles Clippers. That's all fine and well, but as long as you're starting from scratch, why not base sports teams on the interests of the athletes?

I'll use Spanish professional soccer as an example. There are 20 teams in La Liga, each centered around a fixed longitude and latitude coordinate. As an experiment, I would like to see one team comprised entirely of skilled soccer players who also enjoy hiking, one team of motorcycle enthusiasts, one of wood-carvers, one of Type AB blood donors, etc. There would be 20 stadiums spread across the country, but no team would have a home stadium. They would rotate every week so that wood-carvers throughout Spain could see their favorite team without extensive traveling. Hardly worth your time, but you could do it as a favor to me. I promise I'll be nice to 20 people tomorrow.

Multi Purpose Things

Gotta hand it to you, Big Guy! This morning, while sitting under a coconut tree in Puerto Rico after a morning swim in the Atlantic Ocean, it occurred to me how this tree has many purposes. Not only did its leaves provide me shelter from the sun, but it is an important source of milk and food for animals, humans and probably bugs. There may be other uses for the coconut tree that I'm not aware of (since I did not create the world).

For Earth 2.0, I hope you'll err on the side of creating things with multiple purposes as opposed to one purpose -- like a golf course.

Earthly Paradise as Reward

You should reward good deeds with vacations to whatever destination appeals to the person. In my case, Palomino Island off the NE coast of Puerto Rico. This is serenity in the extreme. While floating on my back in the green Caribbean waters, time and worldly concerns evaporated. I'm insinuating that I've done enough good deeds to warrant a slice of paradise.

I'll take your silence as a resounding Yes. Obviously, not everyone who performs good deeds can afford to get away from it all for a few days (as I've explained in my Haves vs Have-Nots Entry).  I'm not sure if you're going to keep the economic disparity thing next time around, but if you do, hopefully you can find some mechanism to consistently reward good deeds. "Love thy neighbor as thyself" would be so natural that you wouldn't have to send a prophet down here to tell us.

Bodily Confinement

On the way home from the shopping mall today, I waited patiently for a man in a wheelchair to cross the walkway. I thought to myself, "I have to tell God about this." I mean, WTF is bodily confinement all about? Is this your way of showing these people how grateful they should be for the many good things in their life? And/or to make the rest of us appreciate our upright state?

I'm not sure either of these really work. In my case, I simply feel bad for immobile individuals and wish they could live in a world where they are free to walk or run at whatever pace they feel comfortable with at a given point in time. Unless you have a compelling reason for major physical ailments that last a lifetime, I would ask that you correct this blip when you design the new human race. Boy, am I thankful that I still have the ability to type messages to you!

The Appeal of Apparel

In case you missed it, this text appeared next to a picture of a well-dressed male advertising Calvin Klein's Fall 09 Suit Separates collection: "Heads turn, eyes gaze, your moment arrives. After all, you dress to impress with an array of modern styles just waiting for compliments. This is your edge -- keep it sharp."

No complaints about the writing, but wondering why we pay more attention to our apparel than we do to homeless people, overeating or other issues of great import. We're better than this, and we know it. But we keep forgetting because the ads are so compelling. I mean, this fella was Handsome with a capital "H" and I don't say that out loud very often. For a fleeting moment, I wanted to be him. And that's just plain wrong because I like myself. So, maybe you could downplay the amount of adverts in the future -- or at least their effectiveness. Keep clothes random and exciting, though. Choice is very important to the human condition.

Corrective Lenses

Vision is quite the mystery, God, I've gotta hand it to you. It doesn't seem to make sense that so many people need corrective lenses in order to fully appreciate the world you created. Once again, was seven days a bit rushed? Someday I'll jot down all the things that I feel could have been modified had you given yourself just one extra day to assess your creation and tweak it. (I would throw crooked teeth in there, as well.)

On the other hand, when I reach my final destination and all things are revealed unto me, I will understand why it was necessary for humans to wear glasses, place contact lenses on their eyes, have cataract surgery, etc. I will probably laugh at my naivety. "It was one big metaphor!" I may shout, after I've stopped laughing. "How can we expect perfect vision when we can't even see YOU?" I cannot laugh about it now, though, because I do not have the distance necessary to recognize my naivety. Get it? Distance? Vision? One day, you must tell me what you think of puns. I've always wondered...

The Beginning

I really, really like the fact that no one can figure out how the universe began. The "big bang" theory is merely a theory. If we had the "big brain," we could understand the worlds around us. Compared to you, we have the brain of a hazelnut (also called a filbert). Let's say you created the universe x gazilliionoid years ago on a Saturday afternoon. Humans will never be able to conclusively prove it because we cannot get our arms around creation. Or time. I mean, how does anyone know that light travels at 186,000 miles per second? Scientists don't travel that far in their entire life! In fact, they barely leave their cubicles for lunch.

I'm all for eternal mysteries. They stretch the mind and create employment for many people. I hope you don't give future people all the answers. Keep us baffled. We need it.

Birthdays

As you know, today is the birthday of a good friend of mine. I hope you retain personal celebrations like this on Earth 2.0. It's important to put the concerns of day-to-day existence on pause every once in awhile. They will surely be there after all your gifts are opened and your special day draws to a close.

Here's a suggestion for taking birthdays to a new level -- allow only one person to be born on a particular day of the year. That may necessitate changing the Earth-Sun rotation pattern so there are an infinite number of days per year. I'm sure that wouldn't stretch you. Every person would have the world's attention on them for a day, which would provide extra incentive for them to be nice throughout the year. Attention also would be drawn to the person's community, which would be educational for everyone. Who loses in a scenario like this?

Dominion Over Life

Earlier this week, I authorized a private business to come to my house and obliterate a wasp's nest so that another private business could access the air conditioning unit shutoff valve for annual maintenance. In essence, I was given dominion over the lives of these wasps. This makes me a little uncomfortable because I wouldn't want to be in their position. Then again, I didn't ask to be placed atop the food chain. My advice, God, is to think real hard about which species to whom you give dominion over life and death. If you choose humans again, don't make them feel weird about it. Or like wussies, in my case. Where's the fun in that?

Ambiguity

You know what phrase strikes the most fear into me these days? "Have a good one." Not fear for my life or safety, but fear of the unknown. Have a good what? I am given no parameters. Absolutely no context for how I might be able to have a good one. Give me a rough idea of where you want me to go to fulfill your request. North? South? East? West? Toward the nearest sun-drenched park bench? I am clueless. All of a sudden, doubt has entered my life.

I guess what I'm saying, God, is that there's way too much ambiguity down here. Sometimes it's more serious than the little anecdote I've just shared. Take, for example, all of these religions and prophets that have been swarming around for centuries. Are they all legit? Or do we have to choose? Maybe you could make things more cut-and-dried next time, and leave less to our imagination.

Imperfect Skin

I know what you're thinking, God: "Here comes another critique of my creation, just because some guy has an underarm rash and an itchy scalp." Surprise! I am here to congratulate you, not to scold you.

You're right -- I went to see a dermatologist today to clear up these minor medical anomalies. And he did just that, with a simple cortisone shot and two prescriptions. The doc has given me both prescriptions in the past, as well as the cortisone shot (right buttock, if you're scoring this at home), so I know they will bring me quick relief. The reason I'm congratulating you is because I have no problems with an occasional visit to clear up imperfect skin. I win because it's not life-threatening, and the doctor wins because he is one office visit richer. But what really impresses me is how you concocted such a simple, yet rewarding scheme for all participants.

I wish everything in life could be resolved so painlessly.

Decay

Next time around, could you drastically reduce the amount of work necessary to maintain a home? I am truly baffled why exterior windows, garages and other wood surfaces slowly decay and have to be scraped and repainted every few years. Think of the many good deeds we could do if we weren't spending so much time with hardware store items clenched firmly in the palm of our hands.

I would suggest giving people more intelligence so they could construct living spaces with maintenance-free materials. Some homes are virtually maintenance-free, but this is a very recent development. Unfortunately, my home was built in the Decay Era. Please give this serious consideration. It may seem trivial to you, but it's causing us to spin our wheels down below.

Intrusions

Small complaint here. More of a tweak. If you're extremely busy, you don't even have to read it. Anyway, I was driving my car with the windows rolled down this afternoon, doing errands on a picture perfect early fall day, when a very noisy truck whizzed past in the opposite direction and spoiled my serene mood. I'm sure the driver did not purposely intrude on the music I was listening to (blues master Freddie King) and my peaceful thoughts. I realize we're all in this thing together, heading in different directions to get where we need to go. But I've often wished there was a more intricate "grand design" that would minimize sudden intrusions like this.

How's this for a plan? In the new world you're designing, if a person (let's call him Anton) knowingly annoys someone, then he has to pay for it in some way. I'll leave the consequences to you, but a few things come to mind: (1) Anton does not get the next job he applies for, (2) Anton's soy milk has a powerful stench just as he begins pouring it over his breakfast cereal, (3) Anton's date scurries off to the ladies room and never returns, or worst of all, (4) life passes Anton by. Maybe he'd have to annoy a dozen people for No. 4 to occur. It's up to you, God. I'm just the idea man.

Canine Urination

I really admire how dogs can piss so frequently during a walk. They're quite adept at releasing a small quantity each time so they'll have some left in the tank for the very end.  I wish you would have embedded more of this self-restraint into the human race. Just think how many people could have avoided incarceration! Or upset stomachs. Please add this to your to-do list for the Earth 2.0 project.

After the Meal

Would it make sense to drastically reduce the "cleanup" time after humans eat their meals? I realize that at the dawn of civilization, tidying up after gnawing raw animals was quite a bit simpler. Then, as our taste buds became more refined and dinner was elevated to an art form, obviously there were more dirty dishes and silverware to wash. "Hey, you did this to yourselves," you could say. And you'd be right.

People in the new world are going to follow the same path -- you know it and I know it. So why not give them a dazzling display of your mercy and allow the grime to vaporize once the head of household gives a signal that the meal is over? Let me suggest three loud taps on the table with an elbow. This would give you both a visual and audible clue (in case you're multitasking).

Transportation Woes

Saw a car smashed up against a tree on the ride back from St. Paul to Milwaukee today. I flashed forward to Earth 2.0, where transportation between two fixed points will be completely safe. (I'm assuming we're on the same page with this.) People will live longer, and their "next of kin" will have one less thing to be distressed about.

I know what you're thinking: "Everyone would drive mindlessly if there are no consequences. With all due respect, Joe, you don't have a great deal of experience designing worlds." I knew you were going to say that, so let me respond with: "All I'm doing is hoping for perfection next time around. If it's not possible, well, at least I've given it my best shot. You wouldn't expect anything less from me, would you?" Of course, you would agree. And that means a lot to me, God. It really does.

Thanks for the Nice Vistas

I thoroughly enjoyed the rich, almost "quilted" cloud patterns during the drive from Milwaukee to St. Paul today. It was overcast the whole day, as you know, and the contrast between light gray and dark blue within each cloud made for a very complex visual experience. Plus, the rolling hills and serene farms of western Wisconsin were quite a treat.

That got me thinking. It's a shame that some places on earth have nice vistas, while other places seem to be a waste of your prodigious creativity. For every western Wisconsin, there is a central Indiana. And I suppose that's okay. If you can make all of Earth 2.0 visually enticing, great! But if it would interfere with new approaches to reducing crime, preventing mental health problems, or helping people in urban areas drive their vehicles in a more courteous manner, then don't worry about. I'd rather have you focus on the big picture.

Nutrition Tips

You've made some mighty tasty foods, God. Mighty tasty, indeed. But why does the really good stuff contribute to obesity and its companion, low self-esteem? Logically, it should be the other way around. I mean, why tempt us with food that contributes to round tummies and looming medical problems? Macadamia nuts spring to mind.


On a less weighty note (sorry), could you prevent apples from turning brown so quickly once their skin is broken by mouth or knife? I just made some apple boats today to enjoy with a garlic hummus dip. I didn't want to eat the whole apple at once, so I kept half the slices on a dish next to the hummus. About half an hour later, I returned for more of the same and noticed the apples were turning brown. The hummus was fine at room temperature, incidentally, so great job with that.

I may have additional food tips for you, but I wanted to send these while they were top of mind. Plus, I'm not sure how far along you are in the Earth 2.0 redesign.

Haves vs. Have-Nots

I just returned from a wonderful celebratory dinner. Obviously, you know what I celebrated, so I won't explain it here. Whenever I splurge like this, a twinge of guilt accompanies me. I'm fortunate to be a "have," but I always wish the "have-nots" could enjoy similar experiences.

So, as you plan all the intricacies of Earth 2.0, consider leveling things out a bit more between people on different ends of the economic spectrum. Do I want wealth to be equally distributed among everyone? Don't be silly! They'd all be robots. A little jealousy and a little aspiration are actually beneficial. They give life a rich texture and are catalysts for progress. I'm confident that you'll make the right decision regarding haves and have-nots. Go, God, go!

Bad Things / Good People

Next time around, you might want to de-emphasize bad things happening to good people. It causes us to question the extent of your love, and sometimes your very existence. Not sure that's what you intended, but there it is. I have to be honest.

Even if you gave the new race 98% free will (everything except killing/maiming), I'm sure there will be bad people. Save the car accidents and strokes for them. "Ha, ha!" you could say. "Told you to behave, but n-o-o-o-o-o-o, you had to swindle investors out of their hard-earned money." See where I'm going with this? Keep it simple and direct.

Wait a minute! I just remembered a fundamental law of nature: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Maybe that explains why bad things happen to good people. I’m so confused...

Rethink Free Will

I've mentioned this to you before, but merely as a complaint. Hopefully you'll look at it more seriously now that you intend to shake things up. I'm talking, of course, about free will. It's a fantastic concept. It really is. But I'm sure you know how many people abuse it. I once read a book called "The Cartoon History of the Universe" and just about every page mentioned a violent conquest of territory. Violence happens even when geography is not at stake, as I'm sure you know. After all, you're God!

So, if I were you, I would give the inhabitants of Earth 2.0 lots and lots of freedom. But I would prevent them from going that extra step and killing or hacking off a limb, etc. Give the new people a greater measure of security. You'd be surprised how much of a difference that will make. They'll still be free to choose you or evil. I wouldn't want to remove that from the equation.

Try it. If I'm wrong, then wrap up my soul and send it for same-day delivery to Lucifer. I am willing to take that chance!

What a Great Idea!

I just heard that after you destroy all life on our planet, you're going to give it a total makeover and release Earth 2.0.  Excellent idea, God!  I'm all for it.  Even though I won't be around to enjoy a new, improved world, I'd like to offer some tips for the redesign.

I don't just want to criticize and whine.  I'll be sure and point out the many good things you've done.  I mean, this is a pretty complex place you created.  Was seven days a bit rushed?  It kind of seems that way, in retrospect, but who am I to judge?  On the bright side, you did an awesome job with the Hawaiian islands.  Been there twice.  Hope to retire there.

I have lots of ideas, God, so please check back regularly if you have the time.  Get it?  Time?  You?