My Vision for Mankind

In a perfect world (like you’re designing), human beings would behave much differently. I’m not expecting everyone to be as nice as me. That wouldn’t be practical because variation is invigorating. If we knew that every single person would always have a sunny disposition and only pass along compliments, the predictability could become very tedious.

I’m willing to accept variation. In return, can you accept the following three requests as you craft the new, improved human inhabitants of Earth 2.0?

Let the new people covet someone’s cloak, but wire them in such a way that the person does not feel compelled to steal the cloak. We’re always going to covet something, lest we stagnate as a race. I’m just asking you to prevent us from acting on the coveting. Maybe it’s as simple as adding a neuron or removing one. How could this be more difficult than creating a cosmos filled with more stars, moons, planets and asteroids that we can count?

The new people also should be better able to forgive and move on. Nowadays, if someone steals your gal, it’s not uncommon for the jilted fella to shoot both of them and, oh what the heck, turn the gun on himself since he has nothing left to live for. It doesn’t occur to him that maybe the gal wanted to be stolen, and therefore he could use this as a learning experience. Who knows? Maybe they’ll get tired of one another and the gal will beg to be taken back. On Earth 2.0, this would always remain a possibility. With a simple change in human brain design (think neurons), many more people will live full lives and provide a valuable service to humanity – whether they’re farmers, surgeons or something in between (like blackjack dealers).

Finally, the new people should be more tolerant of others who don’t live up to their expectations. In these situations, those who raise their voices and those who sheepishly endure the verbal hailstorm both slide down a few notches on the happiness scale. If this occurs too frequently for a sheepish person, he or she (most likely he) may take revenge. That’s another coffin order and teary funeral service. I’m hoping you can adjust the human tolerance meter to keep it within acceptable operating ranges – like a programmable thermostat. You just have to set the parameters once. In the beginning.

My Vision for Nature

By and large, you’ve done a magnificent job with nature. Let me be the first to congratulate you. I can’t imagine another planet in the Milky Way galaxy with such breathtaking diversity. Look around and what do you see? Mountains, valleys, islands, plains, deserts, forests, oceans, lakes, rivers and even waterfalls. Truly something for everyone. If I may suggest a slight improvement for Earth 2.0, consider adjusting the balance of these topographical features based on their tourism track record. If less than one percent of all tourists in recorded history have ever visited the Sahara Desert, is it worth over three million square miles? Are you with me?

I’ve expressed my frustration with weather on several occasions. To sum up my various recommendations, I’d like you to dial back severe weather by forty percent next time around. I don’t expect sunshine every day of the year, with temperatures ranging from sixty-five to eighty-two. But do Category 5 hurricanes really need to plow through at one hundred fifty-five miles per hour? Under my forty percent plan, they would still create mass havoc at ninety-three miles per hour. Assuming this satisfies your need for windy destruction, it would give people a better chance to protect themselves and their attic full of memorabilia.

While we’re on the subject of destruction, if the earth must quake occasionally, would you be willing to provide forty-eight hours notice? A few suggestions off the top of my head:

• Trees start swaying for no apparent reason
• Clouds turn from light to dark to light in rapid succession, as if blinking for attention
• Dogs suddenly begin walking backwards
• Parakeets cease mimicking their owners and switch to a constant low hum
• Cats stop being so distant and self-absorbed

I don’t know how practical these suggestions would be to implement. Clearly, I’m out of my league here. At the very least, could you give rain its life-sustaining properties without drenching our clothes and hair? If you’re going to create us in your image again, it will be easier to maintain that image if we’re not sopping wet.

My Vision for Plant Life

What can I say? I’m impressed with your approach to plant life. Though primarily green, vegetation really utilizes the entire color spectrum. And nutritionally, there’s something for everyone. Obviously, a lot of thought went into plant life design. Having said that, would it trouble you if I made just a few improvements for Earth 2.0?

#1 – As articulated in Banana Color Spectrum, too much food spoils before it finds the human palate, despite our finest harvesting and supply chain management techniques. If you could chip away at the food waste problem, you would be even more revered than you are now.

#2 – What were you thinking with weeds? Are they the work of your adversary, Satan? For argument’s sake, let’s say you’ve got a soft spot for weeds and they will always have a role on our planet. I have firsthand knowledge that some weeds protect themselves against annihilation via prickly stems. I understand the premise: touch me and you’ll suffer! But why is this true only for a small percentage of weeds? It’s the same with highly prized plants like roses and raspberries. I would choose one or the other: prick your finger on plants that make you frown or that make you smile. Many of us appreciate simple rules that are consistently enforced. Well, I do anyway.

#3 – This is the least important of my concerns, but could you arrange it so we can easily open all pistachio nuts? In every bag of raw pistachio nuts that has come into my life, it seems 5-8% fall into the “nearly impossible to access” category. Again, a waste of your good work.

#4 (setup) – All of these ideas should be simple for you to fix. The real challenge will be to take photosynthesis to unheard of levels. According to a book I own that retails for $24.95, photosynthesis removes carbon dioxide from the air, supercharges plant growth, and then releases oxygen for all land-based critters to enjoy. (I’m paraphrasing.) Something potentially harmful is turned into something life-sustaining. If photosynthesis wore a black hat, it would be a magician. So, even if a tree is boring (e.g., ash), by keeping it alive, photosynthesis benefits man, woman, beast and bug alike.

#4 (action item) – Can this same concept be extended to provide an entire new layer of benefits to humankind? Instead of sending prophets down here to disseminate your thoughts, appoint special people to serve as Tranquility Agents. Give them the power to absorb fear, danger and (if you want to go all out) indecision – and release the opposite qualities. Don’t laugh, but these agents could be half-human, half-plant. Human torso, legs and head, but arms like weeping willows. And bananas for ears. You’re laughing, aren’t you?

The Self-Grooming Solution

Ten fingernails and ten toenails require constant attention if we are to successfully integrate into society. The same is true for male facial hair, nose hair and ear hair. Women, meanwhile, keep busy shaving their legs, plucking chin hairs and streamlining eyebrows. This is the price of civilization.

When you redesign the human body for Earth 2.0, would it be a stretch to embed a self-grooming mechanism within all body parts that currently require trimming rituals? Look at the benefits:

• More time to indulge in one’s personal interests – whether it’s practicing magic tricks, writing powerful manifestos for social change, or something in between.
• Instead of purchasing services from barbers, manicurists and nail technicians, we could redirect those dollars to afford more police officers, day care providers, grocery store clerks and Department of Motor Vehicle employees.
• Auto-groomed men and women would help us become a more peaceful race because we’d have one less competitive factor when dating, applying for jobs, etc.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. You can break down a lot more barriers that prevent us from achieving harmony with one another. Competition is best reserved for board games or fencing bouts.