Heel-of-Foot Marketing

Let's face it, God, direct marketing via phone calls or knocking on doors is a woefully inefficient use of our time down here. The success rate doesn't justify the effort and infrastructure necessary to convince a handful of people to do something or buy something they were not contemplating before the interruption.

You may wish to consider something along the following lines for Earth 2.0...

Instead of a ringing telephone or doorbell, the heel of a person's foot would tingle ever so slightly to indicate that someone is reaching out to them. A left-heel tingle denotes an offer to purchase a product or service, while a right-heel sensation signals a call to action, such as volunteering for a charitable or political cause (assuming we'll have misfortune or clash of wills in the future).

If you want the contents of the message revealed, simply lift up the heel and firmly depress it to the ground. A headline-style summary now appears in the brain. For argument's sake, let's say no more than eight words or 60 characters, including spaces and punctuation. If you're intrigued, a tap of the left or right temple (corresponding to the heel stimuli) will display the message on the nearest flat surface for viewing. It will include contact and ordering information. Simple. Quick. Effective. Would you agree?

What I haven't fully worked out is how the marketer would physically reach all of these heels. Plus, it seems like a huge invasion of privacy. Then again, you allow robberies and car alarms to disturb our personal space, so what's a little foot zing? I'd also like some parameters around when someone's heel should not be disturbed. This would cause loss of concentration in critical moments like running a marathon, playing piano at Carnegie Hall, enjoying a moment of intimacy, or finalizing a scientific theory like E=MC2. If you want to discuss any of these ideas, you know my phone number and address.

Our Dying Sun

Scientists are convinced that the sun is dying. I happen to believe them because if they're smart enough to know that our planet is warmed because of the energy released when hydrogen is converted to helium on a disc 93 million miles away, well, who am I to disagree? Even though this nuclear fusion activity could last millions or billions of years before the sun runs out of fuel, it doesn’t change the fact that our planet is sliding toward extinction along with its energy daddy.

Occasionally, this gloomy fact will color my decisions. Why put money into a retirement account if the earth will be a cold, lifeless rock one day? Why treat others as I would like to be treated if we cannot change our destiny? Okay, maybe these are exaggerations, but my central thesis is still valid.

This reminds me of the phrase, “turn that frown upside down” (which would result in a smile if properly executed). So, my suggestion for Earth 2.0 is for you to trick scientists into believing that the sun will be growing for millions/billions of years. This will make day-to-day existence cheerier for those of us who care deeply about long-term issues of life and death. I’d be more inclined to help a feeble individual cross the street if our planet had an optimistic future.

Rethink House Pets

If you allow humans of the future to transform dog-like and cat-like species into house pets, ask yourself whether it's necessary for them to cause allergic reactions in a large percentage of people. In other words, could a world without pet dander sustain life as we know it? Or does shedding fur deep into carpets play a key role in  cosmic unification? People ask me these questions all the time, and I have no answer.

Gosh, this sounds so negative! Please accept my apologies. I know you can solve the house pet allergy problem if you put your mind to it -- the same mind that gave these critters hearts, lungs, soft ears, and tails that signal their innermost feelings.

Good Shirts / Bad Shirts

I wonder what life would be like without people wearing tee shirts that express their innermost feelings. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to seeing a girl wearing a shirt that says, "Cup Cakes Make Me Smile." How else would I know what makes her smile? She's saving me and everyone else who sees her a lot of detective work. However, the next day we might find her in a "Hot Girls Drink Free" tee shirt, and some of us might think she's arrogant.

This is a classic Good vs. Evil scenario that you permit because you prefer not to interfere with human decision-making. I'm not going to change your mind with a tee shirt argument, so let me simply request that on Earth 2.0, people who wear happy tee shirts are entitled to have a happy day. Those who wear arrogant tee shirts will have an inexplicable stomach ache that lasts from 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. local time. Or maybe hiccups all throughout a job interview. The details are not as important to me as making this a universal law. You could make it a law we have to discover for ourselves, like gravity. I know you like mysteries!