Multi Purpose Things

Gotta hand it to you, Big Guy! This morning, while sitting under a coconut tree in Puerto Rico after a morning swim in the Atlantic Ocean, it occurred to me how this tree has many purposes. Not only did its leaves provide me shelter from the sun, but it is an important source of milk and food for animals, humans and probably bugs. There may be other uses for the coconut tree that I'm not aware of (since I did not create the world).

For Earth 2.0, I hope you'll err on the side of creating things with multiple purposes as opposed to one purpose -- like a golf course.

Earthly Paradise as Reward

You should reward good deeds with vacations to whatever destination appeals to the person. In my case, Palomino Island off the NE coast of Puerto Rico. This is serenity in the extreme. While floating on my back in the green Caribbean waters, time and worldly concerns evaporated. I'm insinuating that I've done enough good deeds to warrant a slice of paradise.

I'll take your silence as a resounding Yes. Obviously, not everyone who performs good deeds can afford to get away from it all for a few days (as I've explained in my Haves vs Have-Nots Entry).  I'm not sure if you're going to keep the economic disparity thing next time around, but if you do, hopefully you can find some mechanism to consistently reward good deeds. "Love thy neighbor as thyself" would be so natural that you wouldn't have to send a prophet down here to tell us.

Bodily Confinement

On the way home from the shopping mall today, I waited patiently for a man in a wheelchair to cross the walkway. I thought to myself, "I have to tell God about this." I mean, WTF is bodily confinement all about? Is this your way of showing these people how grateful they should be for the many good things in their life? And/or to make the rest of us appreciate our upright state?

I'm not sure either of these really work. In my case, I simply feel bad for immobile individuals and wish they could live in a world where they are free to walk or run at whatever pace they feel comfortable with at a given point in time. Unless you have a compelling reason for major physical ailments that last a lifetime, I would ask that you correct this blip when you design the new human race. Boy, am I thankful that I still have the ability to type messages to you!

The Appeal of Apparel

In case you missed it, this text appeared next to a picture of a well-dressed male advertising Calvin Klein's Fall 09 Suit Separates collection: "Heads turn, eyes gaze, your moment arrives. After all, you dress to impress with an array of modern styles just waiting for compliments. This is your edge -- keep it sharp."

No complaints about the writing, but wondering why we pay more attention to our apparel than we do to homeless people, overeating or other issues of great import. We're better than this, and we know it. But we keep forgetting because the ads are so compelling. I mean, this fella was Handsome with a capital "H" and I don't say that out loud very often. For a fleeting moment, I wanted to be him. And that's just plain wrong because I like myself. So, maybe you could downplay the amount of adverts in the future -- or at least their effectiveness. Keep clothes random and exciting, though. Choice is very important to the human condition.

Corrective Lenses

Vision is quite the mystery, God, I've gotta hand it to you. It doesn't seem to make sense that so many people need corrective lenses in order to fully appreciate the world you created. Once again, was seven days a bit rushed? Someday I'll jot down all the things that I feel could have been modified had you given yourself just one extra day to assess your creation and tweak it. (I would throw crooked teeth in there, as well.)

On the other hand, when I reach my final destination and all things are revealed unto me, I will understand why it was necessary for humans to wear glasses, place contact lenses on their eyes, have cataract surgery, etc. I will probably laugh at my naivety. "It was one big metaphor!" I may shout, after I've stopped laughing. "How can we expect perfect vision when we can't even see YOU?" I cannot laugh about it now, though, because I do not have the distance necessary to recognize my naivety. Get it? Distance? Vision? One day, you must tell me what you think of puns. I've always wondered...

The Beginning

I really, really like the fact that no one can figure out how the universe began. The "big bang" theory is merely a theory. If we had the "big brain," we could understand the worlds around us. Compared to you, we have the brain of a hazelnut (also called a filbert). Let's say you created the universe x gazilliionoid years ago on a Saturday afternoon. Humans will never be able to conclusively prove it because we cannot get our arms around creation. Or time. I mean, how does anyone know that light travels at 186,000 miles per second? Scientists don't travel that far in their entire life! In fact, they barely leave their cubicles for lunch.

I'm all for eternal mysteries. They stretch the mind and create employment for many people. I hope you don't give future people all the answers. Keep us baffled. We need it.

Birthdays

As you know, today is the birthday of a good friend of mine. I hope you retain personal celebrations like this on Earth 2.0. It's important to put the concerns of day-to-day existence on pause every once in awhile. They will surely be there after all your gifts are opened and your special day draws to a close.

Here's a suggestion for taking birthdays to a new level -- allow only one person to be born on a particular day of the year. That may necessitate changing the Earth-Sun rotation pattern so there are an infinite number of days per year. I'm sure that wouldn't stretch you. Every person would have the world's attention on them for a day, which would provide extra incentive for them to be nice throughout the year. Attention also would be drawn to the person's community, which would be educational for everyone. Who loses in a scenario like this?

Dominion Over Life

Earlier this week, I authorized a private business to come to my house and obliterate a wasp's nest so that another private business could access the air conditioning unit shutoff valve for annual maintenance. In essence, I was given dominion over the lives of these wasps. This makes me a little uncomfortable because I wouldn't want to be in their position. Then again, I didn't ask to be placed atop the food chain. My advice, God, is to think real hard about which species to whom you give dominion over life and death. If you choose humans again, don't make them feel weird about it. Or like wussies, in my case. Where's the fun in that?

Ambiguity

You know what phrase strikes the most fear into me these days? "Have a good one." Not fear for my life or safety, but fear of the unknown. Have a good what? I am given no parameters. Absolutely no context for how I might be able to have a good one. Give me a rough idea of where you want me to go to fulfill your request. North? South? East? West? Toward the nearest sun-drenched park bench? I am clueless. All of a sudden, doubt has entered my life.

I guess what I'm saying, God, is that there's way too much ambiguity down here. Sometimes it's more serious than the little anecdote I've just shared. Take, for example, all of these religions and prophets that have been swarming around for centuries. Are they all legit? Or do we have to choose? Maybe you could make things more cut-and-dried next time, and leave less to our imagination.

Imperfect Skin

I know what you're thinking, God: "Here comes another critique of my creation, just because some guy has an underarm rash and an itchy scalp." Surprise! I am here to congratulate you, not to scold you.

You're right -- I went to see a dermatologist today to clear up these minor medical anomalies. And he did just that, with a simple cortisone shot and two prescriptions. The doc has given me both prescriptions in the past, as well as the cortisone shot (right buttock, if you're scoring this at home), so I know they will bring me quick relief. The reason I'm congratulating you is because I have no problems with an occasional visit to clear up imperfect skin. I win because it's not life-threatening, and the doctor wins because he is one office visit richer. But what really impresses me is how you concocted such a simple, yet rewarding scheme for all participants.

I wish everything in life could be resolved so painlessly.

Decay

Next time around, could you drastically reduce the amount of work necessary to maintain a home? I am truly baffled why exterior windows, garages and other wood surfaces slowly decay and have to be scraped and repainted every few years. Think of the many good deeds we could do if we weren't spending so much time with hardware store items clenched firmly in the palm of our hands.

I would suggest giving people more intelligence so they could construct living spaces with maintenance-free materials. Some homes are virtually maintenance-free, but this is a very recent development. Unfortunately, my home was built in the Decay Era. Please give this serious consideration. It may seem trivial to you, but it's causing us to spin our wheels down below.

Intrusions

Small complaint here. More of a tweak. If you're extremely busy, you don't even have to read it. Anyway, I was driving my car with the windows rolled down this afternoon, doing errands on a picture perfect early fall day, when a very noisy truck whizzed past in the opposite direction and spoiled my serene mood. I'm sure the driver did not purposely intrude on the music I was listening to (blues master Freddie King) and my peaceful thoughts. I realize we're all in this thing together, heading in different directions to get where we need to go. But I've often wished there was a more intricate "grand design" that would minimize sudden intrusions like this.

How's this for a plan? In the new world you're designing, if a person (let's call him Anton) knowingly annoys someone, then he has to pay for it in some way. I'll leave the consequences to you, but a few things come to mind: (1) Anton does not get the next job he applies for, (2) Anton's soy milk has a powerful stench just as he begins pouring it over his breakfast cereal, (3) Anton's date scurries off to the ladies room and never returns, or worst of all, (4) life passes Anton by. Maybe he'd have to annoy a dozen people for No. 4 to occur. It's up to you, God. I'm just the idea man.

Canine Urination

I really admire how dogs can piss so frequently during a walk. They're quite adept at releasing a small quantity each time so they'll have some left in the tank for the very end.  I wish you would have embedded more of this self-restraint into the human race. Just think how many people could have avoided incarceration! Or upset stomachs. Please add this to your to-do list for the Earth 2.0 project.