My Vision for Nature

By and large, you’ve done a magnificent job with nature. Let me be the first to congratulate you. I can’t imagine another planet in the Milky Way galaxy with such breathtaking diversity. Look around and what do you see? Mountains, valleys, islands, plains, deserts, forests, oceans, lakes, rivers and even waterfalls. Truly something for everyone. If I may suggest a slight improvement for Earth 2.0, consider adjusting the balance of these topographical features based on their tourism track record. If less than one percent of all tourists in recorded history have ever visited the Sahara Desert, is it worth over three million square miles? Are you with me?

I’ve expressed my frustration with weather on several occasions. To sum up my various recommendations, I’d like you to dial back severe weather by forty percent next time around. I don’t expect sunshine every day of the year, with temperatures ranging from sixty-five to eighty-two. But do Category 5 hurricanes really need to plow through at one hundred fifty-five miles per hour? Under my forty percent plan, they would still create mass havoc at ninety-three miles per hour. Assuming this satisfies your need for windy destruction, it would give people a better chance to protect themselves and their attic full of memorabilia.

While we’re on the subject of destruction, if the earth must quake occasionally, would you be willing to provide forty-eight hours notice? A few suggestions off the top of my head:

• Trees start swaying for no apparent reason
• Clouds turn from light to dark to light in rapid succession, as if blinking for attention
• Dogs suddenly begin walking backwards
• Parakeets cease mimicking their owners and switch to a constant low hum
• Cats stop being so distant and self-absorbed

I don’t know how practical these suggestions would be to implement. Clearly, I’m out of my league here. At the very least, could you give rain its life-sustaining properties without drenching our clothes and hair? If you’re going to create us in your image again, it will be easier to maintain that image if we’re not sopping wet.

My Vision for Plant Life

What can I say? I’m impressed with your approach to plant life. Though primarily green, vegetation really utilizes the entire color spectrum. And nutritionally, there’s something for everyone. Obviously, a lot of thought went into plant life design. Having said that, would it trouble you if I made just a few improvements for Earth 2.0?

#1 – As articulated in Banana Color Spectrum, too much food spoils before it finds the human palate, despite our finest harvesting and supply chain management techniques. If you could chip away at the food waste problem, you would be even more revered than you are now.

#2 – What were you thinking with weeds? Are they the work of your adversary, Satan? For argument’s sake, let’s say you’ve got a soft spot for weeds and they will always have a role on our planet. I have firsthand knowledge that some weeds protect themselves against annihilation via prickly stems. I understand the premise: touch me and you’ll suffer! But why is this true only for a small percentage of weeds? It’s the same with highly prized plants like roses and raspberries. I would choose one or the other: prick your finger on plants that make you frown or that make you smile. Many of us appreciate simple rules that are consistently enforced. Well, I do anyway.

#3 – This is the least important of my concerns, but could you arrange it so we can easily open all pistachio nuts? In every bag of raw pistachio nuts that has come into my life, it seems 5-8% fall into the “nearly impossible to access” category. Again, a waste of your good work.

#4 (setup) – All of these ideas should be simple for you to fix. The real challenge will be to take photosynthesis to unheard of levels. According to a book I own that retails for $24.95, photosynthesis removes carbon dioxide from the air, supercharges plant growth, and then releases oxygen for all land-based critters to enjoy. (I’m paraphrasing.) Something potentially harmful is turned into something life-sustaining. If photosynthesis wore a black hat, it would be a magician. So, even if a tree is boring (e.g., ash), by keeping it alive, photosynthesis benefits man, woman, beast and bug alike.

#4 (action item) – Can this same concept be extended to provide an entire new layer of benefits to humankind? Instead of sending prophets down here to disseminate your thoughts, appoint special people to serve as Tranquility Agents. Give them the power to absorb fear, danger and (if you want to go all out) indecision – and release the opposite qualities. Don’t laugh, but these agents could be half-human, half-plant. Human torso, legs and head, but arms like weeping willows. And bananas for ears. You’re laughing, aren’t you?

The Self-Grooming Solution

Ten fingernails and ten toenails require constant attention if we are to successfully integrate into society. The same is true for male facial hair, nose hair and ear hair. Women, meanwhile, keep busy shaving their legs, plucking chin hairs and streamlining eyebrows. This is the price of civilization.

When you redesign the human body for Earth 2.0, would it be a stretch to embed a self-grooming mechanism within all body parts that currently require trimming rituals? Look at the benefits:

• More time to indulge in one’s personal interests – whether it’s practicing magic tricks, writing powerful manifestos for social change, or something in between.
• Instead of purchasing services from barbers, manicurists and nail technicians, we could redirect those dollars to afford more police officers, day care providers, grocery store clerks and Department of Motor Vehicle employees.
• Auto-groomed men and women would help us become a more peaceful race because we’d have one less competitive factor when dating, applying for jobs, etc.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. You can break down a lot more barriers that prevent us from achieving harmony with one another. Competition is best reserved for board games or fencing bouts.

If This, Then That

I don’t think humans are held fully accountable for their actions. Too often, people who behave in a rude or selfish manner emerge victorious. Their victims are left to sulk, with no recourse to complain in a meaningful or effective way. Why? Because the winners are usually stronger or more important than the lesser beings who they demean. There may be other explanations, but the point is, their actions should have consequences.

Here are a few consequences you may wish to consider for Earth 2.0:

• If you smite someone, your field would wither. No questions asked.
• If you tease someone based on their ethnicity or place of origin, your pants would mysteriously fall to your ankles the next time you’re in a crowd.
• If you have intimate relations outside the marriage – without permission from your spouse – you would age twice as fast as normal.
• If you circumvent the legal system to preserve or enhance your fortune, your children would either disown you or cause you eternal sorrow by some other means.

Give everyone a fair chance to avoid these grave consequences by revealing your intentions to a prophet disguised as a children’s author. Command the prophet-author to write a classic book that everyone will have heard or read many times before reaching puberty. Have the prophet call the book, If This, Then That.

Am I nuts? Or did I nail it?

Rethink Duality

Good and evil. Light and darkness. Happiness and tragedy. Wealth and poverty. Seinfeld and Jersey Shore. Are opposites really necessary? Or do we want to believe this in order to make sense of the universe and our place within it? I’m hoping that duality is something you figured would be cool, but are willing to reconsider for Earth 2.0 – given the problems it has caused on Earth 1.0.

I realize it may be impractical to have nothing but sunshine, happiness and top-notch TV shows. Life would have no texture unless there was something to complain about. Would you consider Duality Lite? Instead of a fifty-fifty split, make life on earth two-thirds pleasant and one-third problematic.

For example, nasty ass dictators would rule one-third as long as they do now. Wars would claim two-thirds fewer lives. Children would take our advice two out of three times instead of one out of three times. Temperatures would be one-third warmer in northern climates and one-third cooler in southern climates. Regardless of the climate, there would be one-third as many weeds in a typical yard. Just a few ideas to get you jump-started.

Bottom line: Every member of the human race would feel better about life on Earth 2.0 than they do on Earth 1.0. You would benefit, too, because people would be two-thirds more spiritual and would sin one-third as often. Can you imagine what Earth 3.0 would be like???

1 Thank You = 1 Travel Credit

I read an article this morning by a German woman who recounted her recent travels throughout South America while completing a college degree. I was envious of her ability to see the world, considering that I'm pretty much anchored in the southeastern corner of an upper Midwestern state. Plus, I know from prior writings that this woman – an airline pilot – has been to many exotic locales in Europe and Africa. I realize that she is seeing more of the planet than I am because we chose different paths in life. But it seems unfair that not everyone who wishes to travel extensively has the opportunity to do so.

That’s where you come in, God. For the next rev, I ask that you level the playing field. People like the above-mentioned pilot would have no restrictions on travel. Neither would those who can afford to travel at will. Allow everyone else to earn one travel credit for each “thank you” uttered. You keep score, but please make sure that travel is commensurate with public displays of gratitude. A sincere “thank you” would include examples like this:

• “Thanks for dinner, Mom. It was yummy.”
• “Thanks for getting that stain out of my favorite shirt, honey. You’re the best!”
• “Thanks for doing my homework, sis, so I could watch a live televised sporting event of immense significance.”

To prevent abuse, no one would know that thanking someone equates to a travel credit. It would just mysteriously happen. Like waking up from a dream and realizing that you’re not in prison for the rest of your life.

Migraines for Dictators

Finally! Another dictator who made millions of people suffer for decades is dead. This one stuck around for 42 years, acting like he owned the country over which he dictated. I’m sure life would have been much rosier for his subjects had you put a curse on him whenever you sensed he had evil intentions.

May I suggest that on Earth 2.0, people like Moammar Gadhafi be given migraine headaches every time they think about repressing rights? You just need to rewire the brain circuitry. Instead of left brain/right brain (organization/creativity), design a good brain/bad brain. Thoughts that veer to the dark side would be interrupted by a killer headache, with absolutely no letup for three days. Simple tasks like tying shoes or setting an alarm clock would be a challenge.

Eventually, people would figure this out and try to counteract the migraines by taking a pill or drinking a special potion. These would only intensify the pain. I’m thinking the world would be a much happier place if we had to choose between stirring up trouble and feeling fine. Couldn’t have both.

Benevolent Leapfrog Program

This happens every day on Earth, to many people… You are driving on a busy street. Just as you approach a traffic light at a major intersection, the light turns red. You are obligated to stop and pretty much do nothing for a minute or two. If you happen to be in a hurry, this seems like an eternity.

When you redesign the human race, please give consideration to my Benevolent Leapfrog Program. If a driver in the above scenario performed an unselfish “good deed” within the previous 24 hours, the person should be allowed to tap the steering wheel twice and – with your approval – fly over the intersection and gently land when it’s safe to do so. To avoid accidents, you should decide precisely where the vehicle lands.

As an alternative to performing an unselfish good deed, the driver must have made three people smile within the past 24 hours. I know what you’re thinking: What’s to stop everybody from pretending to smile all the time, thereby helping one another avoid waiting for red lights to turn green? Well, you will have to ascertain the validity of each smile. I know it’s a lot of busy work, but if you are truly omnipresent, it shouldn’t be an issue. Those who deceptively smile will be brought to justice by finding themselves trailing a student driver on a two-lane street when they’re in a hurry. Or a similar horror of your choosing.

Of APCAs and IRUs

Do you realize that urban outdoor air pollution causes an estimated 1.3 million deaths a year? If we are to believe the World Health Organization, that’s an awful lot of dead people who simply wanted to breathe air in order to continue living. In my high school Literature class, this would have been called a dichotomy. Or a paradox. Maybe both.

As I understand it, humans are responsible for air pollution and its deadly aftermath. However, since this is yet another negative consequence of giving us unrestricted free will, I kindly ask your assistance in righting the ship for Earth 2.0. Each year on a person’s birthday, give them a new Air Pollution Credit Allotment (APCA). Feel free to change the equation, but for a conversation starter, let me suggest this: your current age times the day of the month of your birth divided by the day of the week you were born (1 = Monday, 7 = Sunday). As I write this, my APCA is 163.

If my actions over the course of a year foul the air more than 163 Internationally Recognized Units (IRU), I would have to appear before a tribunal. The tribunal would know how much I polluted because you’d have given them this insight. Duh! I’d be penalized for every IRU over 163. The penalty would vary according to local custom and ability of the culprit to pay – whether in currency or in the form of deeds benefitting the region of the world that I over-polluted.

The ball’s in your court, God!

Too Many Pix?

I’d like to know how many photos are snapped globally each year. I’ll toss out 100 billion for the sake of discussion. How many of those are truly worth keeping or sharing? Let’s say 5 billion. If my subtraction skills are still intact, then 95 billion pictures should never have been snapped. I don’t mean to criticize, but how could there be a 95% error rate for anything other than hitting a bull’s eye in bar darts? For that matter, why the frenzy to capture so many natural wonders and birthday parties for posterity?

If I were a baseball announcer, I might say: “After seven innings, it’s Technology 9, Live in the Moment 4.”

I’m thinking a 2.0 brain should be capable of retaining images and vividly calling them up at will. With mind-sharing permission, other brains could view these images. Only the best of the best of the best – perhaps 200 million annually – would need to be printed or disseminated electronically. If you could make this happen, then people could use the time they would have spent snapping and processing 99.8 billion photos a year on more pressing matters. The world needs more tutoring, mentoring, food pantry volunteering and nursing home visiting. I’m sure I missed a few others.

If you correct the situation outlined above, you might want to keep going and reduce the error rate for food that spoils before it can be eaten. Or people picking the wrong lines at grocery stores.

Pre-Washed Spinach

I hope the person who first brought pre-washed spinach to market is retiring in paradise, with handmaidens and footservants a bell-ring away. It’s such a simple concept: a guy or gal wants to eat spinach, not wash it and meticulously pat it dry. Just rip the bag open and put a couple handfuls on a plate! Why did it take us thousands of years to reach this ideal food procurement state?

I wonder if your plans for Earth 2.0 include fixing problems like this right from the get-go. For instance, if shellfish are coming back, maybe you could redesign their tough exteriors to break down gradually from the moment of their passing to when meal preparation begins. Moms and Dads would have more free time to spend with their offspring, thus increasing their chances of success when they leave the nest.

“Gradual exoskeleton degradation,” as I’m calling it, also would reduce the cost of restaurant entrees like shrimp, scallops and the widely popular seafood medley because chefs would be more productive. Diners would have more money to spend making themselves or others happier. Who could argue with that?

Shellfish is just one example of how you can expand upon the pre-washed spinach concept. New consumer products that require “some assembly” could gradually assemble themselves once the box is opened. Alternatively, the various components could move into position and wiggle gently when ready for human intervention (e.g., screwdriver, wrench). In addition to saving time, it will prevent cursing and frustration that brings out the worst in humanity.

Is it just me, or do you also think my suggestion is brilliant?

Consider the Lowly Bus Driver

Our planet financially rewards people who are highly talented in one way or another, such as NFL quarterbacks, movie stars, talk show hosts, neurosurgeons and presidents of huge corporations. Even factoring in specialized training and relentless dedication to their craft, their income disproportionately dwarfs those of regular people who serve a vital role in keeping the world chugging along. The gap in prestige is just as wide.

Consider the lowly bus driver. Millions of people rely on their punctuality and motor skills every day to get to work, school or wherever. Yet one of the most common phrases a student hears is: “If you don’t do your homework, you’ll end up driving a bus.” What’s wrong with that? In hot, cold or rainy weather, hopping onto a bus instantly improves one’s comfort and frame of mind. If every bus driver on the road today had “done something with their lives,” sidewalks would be overflowing with people walking for hours -- sweating, shivering and being chronically late.

Plenty of more lucrative occupations make people sad rather than happy. Lawyers and goalkeepers spring to mind. Coincidentally, they earn a great deal more than bus drivers, teachers, day care providers, nurses and other folks who are in the business of helping people.

To help rectify these disparities for Earth 2.0, I offer you two possible scenarios…

Plan A (Economic):  Let’s say a singer earns $8 million a year and a policeman earns $60,000 a year. Divide the difference by 10 percent, subtract it from the diva’s salary and add it to the cop’s salary (without anyone realizing what you’re up to). The adjusted figures are now $7,206,000 and $854,000. Still a huge gap, but the public servant could live a much more comfortable life and the musician would have less of a tax burden. Win-win!

Plan B (Prestige):  Keep the revenue flow the way you have it. To boost the prestige of a low-paid worker who provides a valuable service to the general public, whenever someone shakes the person’s hand or when the person applauds at a public event, their face lights up in a soft white glow and pulsates a few times to draw attention.

I'm partial to Plan A, but I'll let you decide. Or surprise me with something entirely different.

Asparagus Is My Friend

You know how asparagus easily snaps in half, allowing the best tasting, most nutritional half to be quickly and cleanly separated from the dorky half? Well, why can’t more things in life be so brilliantly conceived?

I don’t know what your parallel parking plans are for Earth 2.0, but to use the asparagus analogy, one would pull up between two vehicles, wink into the rearview mirror, and the car’s wheels would rotate 90 degrees to the right, allowing the car to slip into the spot without rocking back and forth, drawing attention to the driver’s lack of dexterity.

However, if you decide this is impractical, then please insist exclusively on angle parking for the human race that you're busy redesigning. The world certainly could accommodate slightly wider streets that angle parking requires -- as long as several million people are not crammed into a single city, while leaving huge slabs of geography with more butterflies than people (e.g., Montana). I assume you’re striving for a better population density balance next time around. Duh!

Once you’ve fixed the parallel parking problem, I would encourage you to go a step further and bring the “asparagus breakage” concept to a much more important issue: Make our selection of a spouse simple and eternal. Nobody wins in a divorce, except lawyers. Come to think of it, why not discourage lawyers from defending people who they’re pretty sure are guilty? If they try to do so, one of their legs will mysteriously break in half -- as quickly and cleanly as asparagus. Eventually, word will spread throughout the legal community and guilty people will have no experts to help them beat the system.

Ants Must Be Killed

Yes, I killed some ants today. But in all fairness, I did not invite them inside my well-kept house. Nor did I ask for the God-given ability to kill any species inferior to my own. I realize that from the ant point of view, this equates to genocide (or ethnic cleansing, at a minimum). Since their brains are microscopic, I’m sure they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong. That’s why I feel a little bit evil today.

To prevent lose-lose situations like these from occurring, why not give ants the same universal memory chip that tells birds when and where to migrate? Ants would use this hard-wired intelligence to realize that their entire colony could be wiped out if they invade a house, apartment, thatched hut or any other human dwelling that has a door. They would simply find somewhere else to play. The earth must seem pretty massive to an ant, so they would have seemingly endless opportunities to roam without annoying a species that has the ability not only to build houses and huts, but more importantly to destroy all lesser lifeforms.

Am I right or am I right?

Beer People Play God

Billboard for Miller Lite beer spotted on a Milwaukee City street this morning: "Best Brew for Your Crew." I was outraged! How does the brain trust behind this sign know that Miller Lite is best for my crew? How do they know I even have a crew? If they mean the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team, which is sometimes called "The Brew Crew," I can see a corporate sponsorship tie-in. After all, their home games are played at Miller Park. But even then, it's an assumption conveyed as a certainty.

I hope you're as outraged as I am, for only you could accurately make a blanket statement about which beer would be best for a given crew. Unless the crew in question was polled and the results widely disseminated. This was not indicated on the billboard. Rather, it was presented as a truism. Translation: Miller Lite advertising brain trust = God. If there was an asterisk accompanied by a full justification of the claim, I missed it. I hope asterisks are more prominently displayed on Earth 2.0, by the way.

This billboard is just one more example of free will as runaway freight train. As you design the new human race, please take a closer look at allowing people to appear authoritative when they simply want us to buy something or vote for someone. So many suffer when this happens -- and not just the modestly educated. Geniuses who are in a hurry or otherwise distracted also may accept God-like statements as fact because they will place a low priority on examining the evidence. This is not fair to geniuses or imbeciles, for we are all human beings and deserve to be treated with a modicum of respect.

I don't know why trivialities like this set me off. I guess if I ignored them, I would feel complicit in the crime. It makes me want to avoid beer for the rest of my days. And crews. Perhaps even reading.

Bumper Car Violence

I figured it out! I've solved the crime problem that has been plaguing humanity since the first person coveted something that wasn't his. Wait till you hear this...

People who are consumed by rage should have round-the-clock access to bumper cars. They'd be granted free admission to their municipal bumper car emporium. Once inside, they would visit a kiosk and answer a few simple questions about their rage. Presto! A dummy sitting in a bumper car would assume the likeness of someone matching the rage criteria.

For example, let's say I want to wipe Jews off the face of the earth. The dummy would have thick black curly hair, a large nose and spectacles. I would then hop in a bumper car near the Jew, press the "start" knob in my death machine and attack the Zionist enemy with full fury. After five minutes of bashing the vehicle and watching my victim helplessly gyrate, I would feel victorious. The urge to kill Jews on every continent would pass, and I might be inclined to sip a cappuccino at a cafe or head straight home to work on my memoirs.

Please consider this simple, yet breakthrough, idea before you put the finishing touches on Earth 2.0. If visiting a municipal bumper car center would not always be practical, you could drop two cars down from heaven, along with a bumper car track, a kiosk and a dummy.

If this works out, you could use the same concept to fulfill positive wishes. I could see a love-starved fella riding with a resemblance of his secret admirer in the same bumper car, going round and round until he fell asleep. Just thinking out loud.

I Happen to Like Alcohol

Alcohol, which I happen to like, is one of those things that can cause big problems when not used properly. I would put machetes and religion in that same category, just off the top of my head. I wish there was a way for these items to be enjoyed by law-abiders, but not taken to their extremes by others. I hope you're taking notes, God, because this would be a nice tweak for the new world.

Here's how my idea might play out, using the three examples above:

• A young man has too many fermented yeast beverages at the Earth 2.0 Pub 'n Grille, slides into his transportation device, and gets a pre-recorded celestial lecture when he tries to turn on the ignition. After the lecture, the doors lock and he must remain in the transportation device all night.
• A coconut harvester comes home from work early and catches a rival male satisfying his wife in a way that he instinctively feels is wrong. With machete in hand, he lunges at his rival intent on severing his head from his torso. He suddenly develops a central nervous system breakdown, manifested by shaky hands that cause the weapon to drop. The shaking continues until rival escapes and wife buries machete in nearby school yard.
• A brainwashed disciple of an elderly male know-it-all feels like killing a few dozen people who do not share his spiritual views. As he retrieves his holy spiral-bound notebook to begin sketching a plan of attack, tears stream down as if he were slicing onions without protective goggles. Every time he opens the notebook or loads his semi-automatic rifle, the tears prevent him from killing his perceived foes.

I have an entire notebook full of ideas along these lines, which I'd like to share with you. I'm free next week, except for Wednesday afternoon, Thursday afternoon and a noon conference call Friday that could drag on for over an hour. If you can work around these conflicts, go ahead and make an entry on my calendar. Otherwise, next week is wide open.

FYI, I didn't mean to imply that the coconut harvester's wife and rival male are blameless. They certainly deserve to be held accountable. Maybe their private parts burn for a year. Just enough to prove you're on top of things.

Personal Tornados

Tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis (did I forget any?) often destroy entire neighborhoods. Lately, they have been erasing towns and villages from the map. I assume many of the victims are gentle souls who help others in need and enjoy nothing more than reading a good book when their work is done.

Fast forward to Earth 2.0. A twister heads straight toward a population center. Instead of demolishing everything in its path, the houses where the kind bookworms live are spared. As for the others:

(1) Major structural damage to houses occupied by people with habitually dark thoughts

(2) Complete obliteration of houses occupied by people who have manifested those dark thoughts on occasion

(3) Death to anyone in the twister's path who has killed or seriously harmed someone (physically or emotionally)

When people hear about nature's destruction, they wouldn't feel so sad and hopeless. Nay, they would welcome tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis and anything of the sort I may have overlooked. You can do it, God!

Playing With Fire

With just two hands, some people have found a way to juggle three flaming sticks. Onlookers are amazed and reward the jugglers with applause because their feat seems to defy logic. I don't know what this has to do with Earth 2.0, but I bring it to your attention because it illustrates how some people:

• Confront dangerous forces head on
• Practice really hard to master a skill
• Like to bring joy to strangers

Wait! I have an idea. Why not create an incentive system for the new human race, where these behaviors are divinely rewarded? We wouldn't have to know you're behind the rewards, as you are very keen on eternal mysteries. People who confront dangerous forces head on would never suffer serious illnesses or die young. People who practice really hard to master a skill would have less dust in their home to clean at regular intervals. People who like to bring joy to strangers would always have enough food to eat, yet maintain their desired body profile at all times.

Pretty simple, huh? I'll let you add layers upon layers of complexity to keep it interesting. You're a master at that!

17 Miles Per Hour

This has been on my "Tell God" list for quite awhile, but after following a very slow driver this morning, I have to bring it to your attention. Heading south on a two-lane street in my sleepy village, I found myself slowing down to 17 miles per hour to avoid a collision with the car in front of me. The speed limit sign said 25 miles per hour. Clearly, the driver felt comfortable navigating at 32% below the speed limit. On one hand, I admired her for not driving recklessly to please fellow motorists. On the other hand, I wished the street had four lanes. But it did not. And that's where you come in.

When two people want different things at the same moment in time, but cannot both have them, why not allow one person to temporarily inhabit a parallel dimension? Let's say I chose that option this morning. My car would still be visible, but it would be grayed out (like choices in a software program that are unavailable) and my shadow would be behind the wheel. I would actually be driving above the street at my customary 32 miles per hour, invisible to those who remained in their native dimension. I could rejoin the world at any time, presumably after I passed Ms. 17.

As soon as I touched down, my grayed-out car would vaporize. I would now be driving in front of my adversary, who would no doubt be startled. But that's a good thing. Perhaps this would teach her an important life lesson: Don't drive slower than the speed limit unless you're being (1) pummeled by rain, (2) blanketed by snow, or (3) enshrouded in fog.

If this concept proves feasible on Earth 2.0, you'd be silly to confine it to traffic flow. Defenseless people would love to flip a switch and be spared an oncoming bullet, an unwanted penis, and things of that nature.

Egos & Orbits

Egos have caused an enormous amount of sorrow all throughout human history. That's one of the drawbacks of free will. If you insist on free-for-all free will for Earth 2.0 (despite my persistent pleas to curtail it), could you at least alter Earth's orbit enough to change the composition of our brains so that enslaving a huge population would not occur to a person? Powerful egos would be as foreign as chewing a coffee table leg when your bladder needs relief instead of visiting the nearest rest room.

If a subtle change in the trajectory of Earth's orbit cures the ego problem -- and saves much killing, torture and seizing of land -- chances are it would change other fundamental aspects of the human race. If Earth travels faster, I imagine our faces might be elongated. If we tried to say the word, "how," it would sound like "ho." Thus, the famous Santa Claus mantra, "Ho, ho, ho" would be devoid of meaning. That's a small price to pay for not suffering under a dictator who will stop at nothing to attain and retain power.

Likewise, a slower orbit might make our fingers half the size they are now. Obviously, basketball wouldn't be quite the same. Kneecaps would disappear because the thighs and shins would be one. There goes weightlifting! New sports and leisure activities would certainly emerge. Olympic medals might be awarded for rolling down a steep hill. Who knows? I'm sure you could find a way to suppress our egos and yet make our bodies compatible with our surroundings. It might take Earth 3.0 or Earth 4.0 to get it right, but it would be well worth your effort.

I can't wait! Hurry up with that Apocalypse you've been promising. The suspense is killing me.

Fun, Fun, Fun

As I look back at all the constructive criticism I’ve given you, it sure feels like I’m painting you into a corner. I just realized that if you accepted all of my suggestions, Earth 2.0 could be a very restrictive place. Sure, the world would be more civil and orderly, but people might not have the range of freedom they do today. Consequently, freedom of expression would suffer. I cannot imagine a world without The Beach Boys bringing sunshine into our lives with tunes like “Fun, Fun, Fun.”

Well, she got her daddy's car
And she cruised through the hamburger stand, now
Seems she forgot all about the library
Like she told her old man, now
And with the radio blastin' goes
Cruisin' just as fast as she can, now
And she'll have fun, fun, fun
'Til her daddy takes the T-bird away

I guess what I'm saying is don't take my ideas too seriously. If a handful strike you as reasonable and you can apply them, I'd be honored. I never envisioned sitting down with you for a weekend and dissecting them one by one. That would be great, by the way, but I understand your need for autonomy. 

Leveraging Oatmeal

In the new world, you should make other areas of life more like oatmeal, for it is at once warm, nutritious and satisfying. Plus, it’s easy to add other healthy items to cooked oatmeal. Among my favorites (as you know) are dried cherries, golden raisins, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, brown sugar and shredded coconut – in various combinations (as you also know).

Start with a trivial item like chairs. To use the oatmeal analogy, give the production and distribution of chairs a consistently beneficial outcome. Otherwise they will vary from sinfully luxurious chairs to hard metal folding chairs used for mass assemblages (e.g., schools, municipal facilities). The latter is so far removed from the oatmeal-like qualities that I would like to see replicated throughout Earth 2.0.

Your philosophy has been, as I understand it, to let people figure everything out for themselves. I would ask you to challenge your assumptions and consider becoming more involved in our affairs. Every good actor benefits from a good director, who provides support and offers recommendations. To improve our performance, why don’t you be the director? You kind of are in so many other areas. It really wouldn’t be a stretch.

Of course, you have to like oatmeal for my scheme to work. Some people just don’t care for it. They are probably petitioning you at this very moment to make automobile shopping more like drinking a yogurt smoothie. I have no problem with that.

Tip Jars?

Hey, will there be tip jars in the future? Or will you see to it that everyone is adequately compensated for their daily labor? Example: When I buy a cup of coffee, I feel obliged to contribute to the disproportionately large tip jar (half the size of the cash register and twice the size of anything else on the counter). If I leave without enriching the staff, will they collectively curse the day I was born? Will they remember me and weaken my next cup of coffee?

I would rather the merchant add five or ten cents to the price of a cup of coffee. Take the fickle consumer out of the equation. Eliminate behind-the-back cursing and awkward face-to-face encounters. The highest life form on the planet deserves better than this. I’m not sure how you solve the tip jar problem from reoccurring on Earth 2.0, God. I will leave that in your capable hands.

Come to think of it, will there be jobs in the future? If you are serious about completely redesigning the human race after you destroy all life on earth (i.e., Apocalypse), why should people have to “earn” a living?

My Snowy Fate

On my walk this morning to procure chicken legs, red wine and bathroom spray, I encountered a gentle snowfall and moderate winds. Neither of these troubled me because I was born in this climate and have returned to it willingly. Fate has assigned me to be cold a few months out of the year, which I suppose is better than being blind or paralyzed on a consistent basis.

As you lay out the framework for Earth 2.0, I hope you'll take a fresh look at bestowing major physical impediments on some people. The only justification, in my view, is that you're making them pay for being nasty in a previous life. I could live with that, as long as it was clear to everyone. But reincarnation is not widely accepted, so many of us are puzzled by these hardships.

While you're sorting that out, I would ask you not to fuss with the weather variations that currently exist on our planet. It makes us northerners anticipate spring, cherish summer and cling to autumn with our entire being. We are alive with promise and joy for much of the year. On the other hand, those who live near the equator wait patiently for a mild breeze, and when it comes they are likely to slaughter a calf and dance outdoors for a week. People all over the world are delighted when the weather changes in their favor. And they invariably thank you. That has to feel good!

Fossil Fuel Follies

You must think it’s funny how everyone these days is furiously trying to replace the burning of fossil fuels with natural, renewable forms of energy. Why did we take the easy way out so many decades ago? Did we not see the mighty sun, hear the roaring wind or feel the warmth from the earth beneath our feet?

Sure, there were a couple dozen windmills and water mills in olden times, but the Industrial Revolution and invention of the automobile quickly made those irrelevant. We now think nothing of drilling several miles below the sea to extract oil and build refineries that rival the space program in their complexity. Plus, oil is filthy. I ruined a favorite sweatshirt once because I did not take adequate precautions.

Personally, I would have given humans 5-7% more intelligence. With that little boost, I’m sure we would have discovered economically viable ways of tapping into renewable energy – and avoided digging into the bowels of the earth in order to power choo-choo trains and whatnot. This would have prevented many coal mining deaths, much air pollution and at least one soiled sweatshirt.

I can hear you laughing because from your vantage point, this fossil fuel craze has all taken place in a cosmic eye-blink. A century from now, we’ll be using energy in ways we cannot envision today – and you will have experienced the equivalent of clearing your throat. In some respects, I can’t wait to die, join you in your heavenly abode, and see the big picture. I am so jealous of you!

10 Billion Interruptions a Day?

Did you happen to read this item in today’s Milwaukee Journal Sentinel newspaper, God?

Authorities say Oleg Nikolaenko was the king of spam, a 23-year-old Russian controlling a network of infected computers generating 10 billion unwanted e-mails a day - a third of the global spam stream - until a Milwaukee FBI agent unplugged the operation. 

The key word is “unwanted.” Each of these e-mails represent an interruption, even if they are not opened. Some people deal with interruptions better than others. In the worst case, an interruption will permanently stop two parts of a thought from being connected. The consequences could range from forgetting a friend’s birthday to solving an important equation. (“E equals… equals… M. Yes, that’s right. M what? What is E again? Oh, yes, energy. E is energy and M is mass. But how could energy equal mass? Doesn’t add up. Oh, well, time to do the laundry.”)

In situations like these, I usually suggest something for you to implement on Earth 2.0. I’m feeling generous tonight, so I’ll give you two scenarios for a person who’s responsible for interrupting people 10 billion times a day:

Scenario 1:  The arm most responsible for the spam shrinks one inch per day. No divine explanation is given. The selfish person must look deep inside for an answer. When bad things happen, the tendency is to think, “What did I do to deserve this?” I’m sure the person won’t have to think for too long. When the spamming stops, the arm will mysteriously grow one inch a day until reaching its starting position.

Scenario 2:  At 8:05 every night (8:00 would be too obvious), the person will lose the ability to think for an entire minute. This would puzzle others in the vicinity, who would gradually distance themselves from the person. After losing a number of friends, the person might ask, “Why am I being abandoned or, may I go so far as to say, forsaken?”

R-E-V-E-N-G-E. Such a sweet word. You should use it more often.

11-Day Cycle of Horror

All throughout recorded history, people who were caught stealing paid for their crimes in one way or another. Fine. Jail sentence. Flogging. Chopping off the hand that stole the object. Depends on when and where they lived. Thieves who didn’t get caught were free to enjoy their spoils and carry on with their lives as though the crimes never occurred. This is wrong, God. Just plain wrong!

Earth 2.0 bad guys – whether or not the authorities nab them – should experience something troubling every 11 days for the rest of their life. If, however, they sincerely apologize to their victim (bended knee, preferably) and do something really nice to make up for it, the 11-day cycle of horror would end after one year. Thank you in advance for making this happen.

My Vision for the Animal Kingdom

The problem with animals, as you well know, is the great harm they can inflict on people. For example, a lion in the prime of life will almost certainly tear a person to pieces unless the lion is behind bars (zoo) or hidden from view (jungle). To enjoy the beauty and wonder of lions, we must incarcerate them (zoo) or view them from a safe distance (telephone lens/helicopter). The same can be said about fish (sharks), lizards (pythons) and birds (pterodactyls). These ferocious creatures are in stark contrast to puppies, parakeets and penguins -- fun and rather harmless life forms. So, I have to ask, why the enormous range on the safety scale?

For Earth 2.0, I'd like to see less violence and less variety (do we really need 1,100 different kinds of bats?). Let animals and humans co-exist peacefully. No eating one another allowed under any circumstance! We should be able to play with animals and not fear for our lives. I’ve always wanted to stroke the velvety midsection of a Bengal tiger sprawled out on my living room rug, but I value my internal organs too much to take that chance.

If we’re allowed to safely pet any animal we like on Earth 2.0, I suppose animals should be allowed to play with humans. I, for one, wouldn’t mind one bit if a chimpanzee asked me to help it achieve better posture. In return, maybe I could learn how to climb more effectively.

Well, these are my initial thoughts. If you want more ideas as you redesign the animal kingdom for the world to replace this one, I would be honored to speak to you about it personally.

Heel-of-Foot Marketing

Let's face it, God, direct marketing via phone calls or knocking on doors is a woefully inefficient use of our time down here. The success rate doesn't justify the effort and infrastructure necessary to convince a handful of people to do something or buy something they were not contemplating before the interruption.

You may wish to consider something along the following lines for Earth 2.0...

Instead of a ringing telephone or doorbell, the heel of a person's foot would tingle ever so slightly to indicate that someone is reaching out to them. A left-heel tingle denotes an offer to purchase a product or service, while a right-heel sensation signals a call to action, such as volunteering for a charitable or political cause (assuming we'll have misfortune or clash of wills in the future).

If you want the contents of the message revealed, simply lift up the heel and firmly depress it to the ground. A headline-style summary now appears in the brain. For argument's sake, let's say no more than eight words or 60 characters, including spaces and punctuation. If you're intrigued, a tap of the left or right temple (corresponding to the heel stimuli) will display the message on the nearest flat surface for viewing. It will include contact and ordering information. Simple. Quick. Effective. Would you agree?

What I haven't fully worked out is how the marketer would physically reach all of these heels. Plus, it seems like a huge invasion of privacy. Then again, you allow robberies and car alarms to disturb our personal space, so what's a little foot zing? I'd also like some parameters around when someone's heel should not be disturbed. This would cause loss of concentration in critical moments like running a marathon, playing piano at Carnegie Hall, enjoying a moment of intimacy, or finalizing a scientific theory like E=MC2. If you want to discuss any of these ideas, you know my phone number and address.

Our Dying Sun

Scientists are convinced that the sun is dying. I happen to believe them because if they're smart enough to know that our planet is warmed because of the energy released when hydrogen is converted to helium on a disc 93 million miles away, well, who am I to disagree? Even though this nuclear fusion activity could last millions or billions of years before the sun runs out of fuel, it doesn’t change the fact that our planet is sliding toward extinction along with its energy daddy.

Occasionally, this gloomy fact will color my decisions. Why put money into a retirement account if the earth will be a cold, lifeless rock one day? Why treat others as I would like to be treated if we cannot change our destiny? Okay, maybe these are exaggerations, but my central thesis is still valid.

This reminds me of the phrase, “turn that frown upside down” (which would result in a smile if properly executed). So, my suggestion for Earth 2.0 is for you to trick scientists into believing that the sun will be growing for millions/billions of years. This will make day-to-day existence cheerier for those of us who care deeply about long-term issues of life and death. I’d be more inclined to help a feeble individual cross the street if our planet had an optimistic future.

Rethink House Pets

If you allow humans of the future to transform dog-like and cat-like species into house pets, ask yourself whether it's necessary for them to cause allergic reactions in a large percentage of people. In other words, could a world without pet dander sustain life as we know it? Or does shedding fur deep into carpets play a key role in  cosmic unification? People ask me these questions all the time, and I have no answer.

Gosh, this sounds so negative! Please accept my apologies. I know you can solve the house pet allergy problem if you put your mind to it -- the same mind that gave these critters hearts, lungs, soft ears, and tails that signal their innermost feelings.

Good Shirts / Bad Shirts

I wonder what life would be like without people wearing tee shirts that express their innermost feelings. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to seeing a girl wearing a shirt that says, "Cup Cakes Make Me Smile." How else would I know what makes her smile? She's saving me and everyone else who sees her a lot of detective work. However, the next day we might find her in a "Hot Girls Drink Free" tee shirt, and some of us might think she's arrogant.

This is a classic Good vs. Evil scenario that you permit because you prefer not to interfere with human decision-making. I'm not going to change your mind with a tee shirt argument, so let me simply request that on Earth 2.0, people who wear happy tee shirts are entitled to have a happy day. Those who wear arrogant tee shirts will have an inexplicable stomach ache that lasts from 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. local time. Or maybe hiccups all throughout a job interview. The details are not as important to me as making this a universal law. You could make it a law we have to discover for ourselves, like gravity. I know you like mysteries!

Very Vermont

Have you ever been to Vermont in late September, God? It's one thing to create amazing panoramas of colorful trees, but you should go undercover and experience it as we do. If you did, I bet you would make more of Earth look and feel like New England in fall foliage season. You might also want to transport the overwhelming sense of peace, comfort and tranquility that nature can provide to more areas of the world.

Next time, shoot for more Vermont in autumn and less Mexico City or Mumbai in summer. Would you agree that many cities are overcrowded and teeming with slums, crime, hopelessness, etc? I realize that we're responsible for the messes we create. But I wish you would do more to discourage us from making choices that lead to dreadful conditions like these. I know you're going to play the "free will" card here. But we didn't ask for free will. Most of us don't even deserve it, quite frankly. Let us earn free will, like we earn everything else in life.

Meanwhile, you will have evenly distributed scenic wonders so that no one has to travel more than an hour to be awed by nature. I'm not sure these two thoughts are in any way connected, but I wanted to plant them in your ear while my trip to Vermont is still fresh in my mind. Whatever you decide to do, have a little fun with it!

Outside the Seasonal Box

I saw many Christmas items at a department store today -- 99 days before Christmas. That's a full 27% of the calendar year. I hope Earth 2.0 retailers grasp the true meaning of "season" before displaying their seasonal offerings. To whatever extent you want to get involved in this quandary, I would welcome it.

Maybe a risk-and-reward system is in order. If retailers stretch a universally recognized season such as Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's Day or Cinco de Mayo to unreasonable lengths, give everyone involved in the decision flu-like symptoms for a weekend. Gradually, they will learn to think outside the seasonal box. Consumers would have one less thing to complain about and, therefore, would be happier as these momentous holidays come and go. Happier people are more inclined to spread their joy and help others.

When I see Christmas stockings for sale 99 days before the Big Day, I am more inclined to punch a stranger than to ask if there's anything at all I could do to improve his current mood or his station in life. Maybe I'm exaggerating. I'd probably just step on his toes moderately hard. Punching could invite legal action, and that certainly wouldn't be in the spirit of the Christmas season.

You Cannot Hide Forever

If I were to create the human race from scratch, one of my top priorities would be to minimize crime. There are many laws to make crime unappealing and many policepeople to apprehend criminals, yet crime continues to thrive. I have an idea that might be more effective.

Everyone who commits a crime would have to reveal it at some point in their life. Since you created these criminals, God, you get to decide when, where and how these ugly actions would rise to the surface. With a mere twinkle of your celestial nose, the truth would flow forth. For example...

Scenario #1:  A person who stole a young woman's bike tire one evening while she was working at a department store would mention it during a job interview several years later. The interviewer, of course, would be that woman.

Scenario #2:  A fifth-grader steals a pack of baseball cards at a convenience store and thinks he can take this secret to the grave. However, he coughs up the information on the U.S. Senate campaign trail and is forced to withdraw his candidacy.

This would work best if everybody knew that one day their crimes would be unveiled at the worst possible time in their life. Well, this has certainly been fun. I sure hope you're remembering all of my great ideas.

Fast-Acting Medication

I simply must tell you about two television commercials I saw the other night, just minutes apart. In both cases, the actors felt miserable, swallowed a pill, then were cured in the blink of an eye. As a matter of fact, they were downright giddy. I thought to myself, "If it's so easy to change one's mood with a pill, how hard could it be to design a planet where the inhabitants never feel miserable in the first place?"

So let me ask you point blank: Are you going to allow people to: (1) suffer, (2) encounter bad luck, or (3) be inconvenienced from time to time? Going a step further, will plagues, ice ages and other widespread calamities be part of your plans for Earth 2.0? Unless they serve some purpose only you can fathom, I would vote for making life essentially one big fiesta. If we find that feeling too happy doesn't seem right, I'm sure we'll invent a pill to make us feel miserable for awhile.

The Mosquito Race

I haven't mentioned the mosquito problem until now because I assumed it was so obvious that you'll certainly fix it for Earth 2.0. I can't wait any longer. As I try to write this, itchy ankles compete for my attention and invariably win. Thus, my writing is taking twice as long as it would had the mosquito race found a better way to socialize with the human race.

Think of all the time we spend applying mosquito repellent, swatting the pests, scratching their bites, and talking trash about them to anyone who'll listen -- time that could be better spent honoring you, worshiping you and singing your praises. I imagine some people even use the mosquito issue to question if you're a kind God, or even if you exist. Why take a colossal risk like that? To weed out the spiritual weaklings? Maybe you know something I don't know. One thing I do know is that I see a dead mosquito floating in my wine glass. I suppose the red liquid looked like blood.

Okay, I'll come to the point. If you insist on keeping the mosquito race, give them the same qualities as the fly race. Let 'em buzz about and annoy us, but don't give them a compelling reason to suck human blood. However, if blood-sucking mosquitoes are a non-negotiable, then make it clear that they will not attack vegetarians or people who volunteer at animal shelters. We'd all feel better if we knew we had some control over life's irritations.

15% Too Intelligent

Driving from Boston to North Carolina on I-95 recently, I passed through some very large cities. I was mesmerized by high-rise apartment complexes in New York City that seemingly had no end, and the constant drone of cars and trucks whizzing to their destinations for hundreds of miles. After two days of driving, I was fortunate enough to spend a day in the country. Among the few signs of life were two dogs playfully chasing each other in a back yard that sloped toward a lake. They seemed perfectly happy with their simple lifestyle, which got me wondering how the most intelligent species on the planet could have made life so complex -- and, in some cases, so miserable.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps we're too intelligent for our own good. I'm guessing 15% too intelligent. If you made the human brain 15% smaller on Earth 2.0, we might be 15% less likely to make a mess of things. We'd also probably be 15% less greedy, 15% less jealous, and 15% less tempted to cause trouble for ourselves or others. I'll let you weigh these benefits against the drawbacks of being 15% less human.

Wait a minute! It might all come down to the fact that we procreate 15% more than we should. If it's easier for you, simply make men and women 15% less attractive in the new world. Give the women mustaches and the men one eyebrow. At the very least, that ought to cut down on congestion along the I-95 corridor.

Betrayed By Hunk of Metal

I've been reflecting quite a bit about last week's crash of my computer's hard drive. For the first two days, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body. Well, I was clearly out of my comfort zone, anyway. As a writer by profession, I felt personally betrayed by my dead hard drive -- the keeper and organizer of digital information that helped me perform so many activities of daily living.

On the third day, I opened up my computer and saw the hunk of metal that had turned my world upside down. I had to laugh. Why had I become so dependent on something only a few inches wide by a few inches tall and probably only an inch thick? Because I allowed it to. I thought the thing was smarter than it actually was. A smart person seeks help when in trouble. I cannot honestly say that my hard drive reached out for assistance. It simply didn't work anymore, and didn't say it was sorry. My disorientation and frustration was never acknowledged by the 500-gigabyte Samsung HD501LJ. Not once!

Hey, God, we need help down here. Why bother creating highly advanced organisms if you allow them to be so dependent on a factory-installed hunk of metal? A cuddly bear as a toddler, I can understand, but grownups should know better. Next time, don't allow us to stray so far from the Garden of Eden, where everything was colorful and peaceful. Put a fence around it. Invisible, of course, so we don't know we're imprisoned. That would make a mere hard drive cash seem like heaven.

Dreaming on Demand

Last night, I dreamed that I was 82 years old and had huge bald spots on the left and right rear sides of my head. My 89-year-old friend and I camped out all night in a city park, along with many others, so we could see John Lennon film a movie scene across the street two days later. In the morning, we decided to go home and forget about the Beatle sighting. We didn't want to waste another day just to catch a fleeting glimpse of our hero.

As I write this, I feel my decision in the dream was the correct one. But my age and scalp were incorrect. I am only 56 years old and my hair still covers my entire head, thinning though it may be on top. Why can't we dream whatever we want to dream? Imagine how much more relaxed and happy people would be, knowing that when they turn out the light and rest on their pillow, they will be transported to a world of their choosing.

I would be swimming in Hawaii most nights. Occasionally, I'd check in on John, Paul, George and Ringo in their prime. In my bachelor days, I would have dated peers, movie stars and many fine ladies in between. For Earth 2.0, I would seriously consider empowering people to dream on demand every night. Who knows? The crime rate might plummet if everyone could temporarily forget their troubles and live the good life. True, when they woke up and realized nothing really changed, they might explode with rage. I think it's worth the risk. Do you?

Of Turtles

Saw a turtle the other day. Had to smile, despite my jealousy. Wish I could roll my head into my body cavity and temporarily hide from people and events that frighten me. Wonder why you only gave turtles this gift. Surely, millions of Chinese could have used it during Mao's insane period. I could share other examples with you at the appropriate hour.

Not sure if I'm complaining or dreaming here. Lately, they often seem the same to me.

Water: Your Masterstroke

I am continually impressed with water, in all of its forms and uses. How the heck did you think of having water form in clouds high above the earth's surface and then rain down upon it? This is pure genius (in case you take your powers for granted).

Over the last few days, I found myself swimming in a huge body of water called the Caribbean Sea. What a joy to dip below the surface, pop back up, swim in any direction I choose, float on my back, and start the cycle all over again. At lunch one day, I appreciated water in its frozen state as an integral component of a pina colada. I don't use the gaseous form of water very often, but it's there if I ever need it. That's comforting.

Oh, I forgot the most important thing about water! We need it to survive. And it falls to earth at no cost to anyone. Brilliant!

FYI, when I meet you someday, I want to ask you about my mother-in-law slipping on outdoor steps after a rain shower, dislocating her shoulder and shattering her humerus bone into five pieces. I'm puzzled why there has to be a downside to the above-referenced masterstroke.

Freedom Reset Button

Today is my nation's birthday. Most Americans are reveling in freedom, whether they're watching a parade, chomping on watermelon at a family picnic, or looking forward to tomorrow's day off of work. The joy of living in a country where people have freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of press, freedom to assemble, and freedom to petition the government for a redress of grievances (First Amendment, G. Washington, et al, 1791) is tempered by realizing that a billion or so people must behave according to the whims of their leaders.

For Earth 2.0, why not press a reset button whenever a group of people in a particular geographic area have lost the freedoms they were born with? I'll leave the details to you, but I see it like this: As soon as you press the button, every inhabitant in that nation becomes lightheaded or unusually cheerful. This should probably come on gradually, say over a two-day period, allowing them to complete surgeries, finish ballgames, and drive home safely from birthday parties, etc.

After the two-day transition, the lightheaded/unusually cheerful condition persists for a week or two -- while you and several angels restructure all levels of government. When the population returns to normal, they'll have a new constitution, fewer prisoners, and their leaders will no longer be wearing military tunics with ten pounds of medals dragging them toward hell.

Bad Weather at Night

Last night's colossal rain storm was a textbook example of how nasty weather and human activities can peacefully co-exist. Way to go! In the next world, I would ask you to save all storms for the dead of night, when the vast majority of people are snuggled in their beds sleeping. When they wake up, they can go about their business with a broad smile, knowing that once again nature has supplied the necessary moisture to sustain life at all levels.

Of course, this may have a negative impact on nocturnal animals, who like to play and hunt for food when humans are snoring. Or maybe it doesn't make a difference. I suppose I should have looked into that before writing to you. Either way, I'm certain you can come up with a solution that makes all creatures happy. How about a two-hour window after sundown and before the severe weather begins? Sort of like a "last call" at the bar.

Color-Coded Noses

What if one's nose color reflected how good or bad a person is, deep down inside? Ever think of that, God? This might be more effective in promoting model behavior than anything that currently exists. Let's face it, you can commit the most heinous crime and no one would know how evil you are unless you got caught. In my new scheme, that person's nose would turn purple the moment he commits the crime.

I humbly propose the following nasal colors for Earth 2.0:

• Average behavior and thoughts - white nose
• More good deeds and kinder thoughts than expected - pink nose
• Mother Theresa or Gandhi type - yellow nose with powder blue stars, clouds or halos
• Basically good-hearted, but a bit opportunistic - orange nose
• Always looking out for your best interests - forest green nose
• Few redeeming qualities - navy blue nose that frequently itches
• No redeeming qualities - purple nose that constantly drips

Obviously, we would lose the merriment of clowns with big red noses. But if you decided that clowns were merely a distraction to the human race, nobody would miss their noses.

Why Is It So Hard?

Swans mate for life. So do wolves and French angelfish. Even termites, I'm told. If birds, fish and animals can hook up so easily, why do humans have such a hard time? Are we more picky because we have so many different ways to call attention to ourselves? When choosing a mate, lower life forms do not have to consider one's choice of clothing, hairstyle, cultural preferences, command of table manners, parental lineage or career prospects. They just get right down to business.

Swans may say nothing more than, "Honk when you're ready to mate for life." A typical male wolf probably says, "It's awfully lonely terrorizing an entire countryside. Let's do this together." I'm sure French angelfish do not spend two years dating before asking mom, "Do you think he's right for me?" And I'd be shocked if a termite ever spurns a suitor. She'd have to stop destroying a porch, and what excuse could she possibly give? "You're disgusting! I wouldn't lay your eggs if you wore a straw hat and bow tie."

Do everything in your power to prevent humans of the future from having such complicated and often painful experiences in choosing a mate. Some people actually turn to violence when they cannot successfully mate. Where's the fun in that? There must be a middle ground between simply honking your intentions and spending three hours in front of a mirror before a first date.

Uno Language (s'il vous plait)

As you know, my daughter is in Germany right now visiting a friend. I'm sure she will have difficulty expressing herself on occasion, since she does not speak German. (Why say "neunzig neun luftballons" when you really mean "ninety nine red balloons?")

I wonder if animals face a similar problem when they travel great distances. Would "Grrrr, rufff, rufff, rufff" yelped by a Ukrainian dog visiting Portugal be interpreted as "Grrrr, howwwl, howwwl, howwwl?" You could say that's half the fun of traveling, but not if your tail was snapped in half as a result.

In the new world that you're designing, consider having one common language for all living creatures. This would not only prevent many national or ethnic skirmishes, but people would know what their dog wants at three in the morning. It's hard to ask inter-species questions at that hour, when you know they'll be answered by the same blank stare you'd get at three in the afternoon.

Impeded by Inhibitions

I was enjoying a nice, uneventful walk with my pet today, when she felt the urge to relieve her bowels. This is the high point of Emma's daily excursion and the low point for me, but I understand that it's necessary. She squatted down just a few inches from a street that runs past a popular shopping mall, and proceeded to crap completely uninhibited. She was naked, mind you, except for a collar that allows me to attach a leash, which in turn allows me to walk her in public.

Humans would be too embarrassed to do what dogs have no problem doing. This is just one of the many inhibitions we've built for ourselves. Cumulatively, they're like prison walls -- and I believe they diminish our overall happiness. Am I suggesting that naked people on Earth 2.0 make poopie wherever they want?I don't know if I'm suggesting that or not. It seems gross, but if it breaks down other inhibitions (like telling your parents that their child-raising merits no higher than a C-plus, or a young lady daring to leave the house without applying lipstick/makeup), then it may be worth it.

Joe Fumo's Advice to God:  Wire future humans to spend more time improving life on the planet and less time behaving appropriately. Males already have a head start, so it shouldn't be a huge learning curve.

Wine Tames Pizza

Apparently, a universal law of nature dictates that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I've never tested this myself, but will rely on the word of the scientific community. They have rarely disappointed me. Anyway, I'd like the caloric impact of cheese, mushrooms, onions and tomato sauce (think pizza) to be canceled by drinking a glass of wine with the meal. I wouldn't expect the dough to be canceled; after all, we need some accountability.  

Assuming you could make this work for Earth 2.0, what's to stop you from duplicating it with cheese cake and coffee, ice cream and mineral water, or (don't laugh) earning the right to temporarily escape the pull of gravity every time you place the needs of others before your own? I'm not suggesting the latter in order to mock your universal laws, but simply to allow people to reach their destination faster if they're pressed for time. Or -- I just thought of this! -- to give wheelchair-confined people a more impressive mode of travel. Kind of make up for the inequity.

Man Lied, Then Died

What is this world coming to? Yes, I'm referring to a news article about a 27-year-old Milwaukee man who got a verbal okay from a 26-year-old prostitute to "perform a sex act" (whatever that means) for $20. The prostitute was a man dressed as a lady. When this was revealed to the sex-starved male, he shot and killed the impostor.

People should not have such incredible sex drives that they resort to prowling the streets for action. I realize that a sex drive is necessary to propagate the species, but must it be so strong that we risk our lives for a moment of bliss? If a species behaves like this, is it worth propagating? These are tough questions for you to ponder in the Earth 2.0 redesign project.

A simple solution would be for those who don't have ready access to performing a sex act with another person to obtain a similar sensation themselves. I understand that this is possible today, but obviously it's not 100% effective. Let me suggest this: a person pulls their ear lobes really hard while rolling their eyes in a circle and hissing like a snake. Five seconds later, the person will be so happy that he won't feel compelled to drive to 27th and North looking for a companion. If he wants to propagate some other time, fine. If not, that's okay, too. Wanna give it a try?

Choose Your Weather

I do not like rain. Never have, never will. I would gladly trade rain for snow or even a cold spell if I had to endure inclement weather as a condition of living on this planet. That seems to be the rule. Some people don't mind the rain. Or frightfully hot weather. Why can't we all have the bad weather we choose on the designated "inclement weather" days?

Here's how it might work...

My wife and I are walking to a bank to deposit a check. I'm wearing a hat, scarf, winter coat, gloves and boots, while my wife is in shorts, a tee shirt, flip-flops, sunglasses and a wide-brimmed straw hat. I'm shivering and my wife is dripping in sweat. However, we're able to carry on a conversation just as if we were both experiencing the same ambient conditions. When we get to the bank, this is where my scheme breaks down completely. Assuming the bank's temperature is a constant, comfortable temperature, we would probably both be miserable -- me over-dressed and she under-dressed. I'm not sure how practical it would be to continue the separate temperature zones inside the bank (or a stadium or a bustling market). Maybe you could take it from here.

If you let us choose our bad weather on Earth 2.0, why not take this a step further and allow us to choose our disappointments or failures? I have a notebook full of ideas I could share with you at the appropriate time and place.

Blues Rules

I probably should take this up with the Federal Communications Commission, but thought I'd try you first. Maybe some of my frustration can be addressed in the new world you're designing.

As you know, I've loved blues music from the very first note I heard. It irks me when people who obviously have not lived the blues try to play the blues. I usually change the station or walk out of the room. But I heard something in the car a few days ago that I'm hoping is not repeated on Earth 2.0. A young lady from a large geographic, but sparsely populated, state attempted to entertain me on a dedicated radio blues station. I forced myself to listen to the entire song so that my rage would make this a more compelling appeal.

I would very much appreciate if you crafted some firm rules on who can and cannot sing the blues in the next rev. For example, you cannot run for President of the United States unless you are at least 35 years old. Why not require future blues singers to have earned the right to sing the blues? The more clear-cut you are, the better for everyone. Let me suggest that a blues artist truthfully must be able to say:

• I have lived for at least 10 years at or below the poverty level,
• I have been passed up three or more consecutive times for jobs I was well qualified for, and
• I face racial, ethnic, religious, sexual or other major forms of oppression on a daily basis

Don't make the blues rules so lengthy that only a handful of people meet the criteria. But don't allow people who have lived a fairly pleasant, trouble-free life to strap on a guitar, tap the microphone, and rip into a sad tale of first-person woe. That's just plain wrong. Besides, we need people like that to enjoy the blues, imagining what it must be like to live at or below the poverty level, etc.

No Names Until Age 7

The human birth process can be quite excruciating. Pregnant women shriek in pain, demanding epidurals to stop them from going bonkers and wanting to escape earth's orbit. Hours and hours and hours go by, and still no baby! Nurses continually monitor vital signs, fathers regret the moment of conception, and grandparents stare blankly at corded telephones that refuse to ring.

When the little guy finally wins the battle of the flesh and greets the new world, he is bathed with love and attention. Everything is idyllic for awhile -- until he comes to despise his name. "Mom, I think Shaffer Chimere Smith is a horrible name," rap star Ne-Yo might have said on more than one occasion. Or, in an earlier era, the advice columnist we know as Ann Landers probably wondered, "What possessed you to name me Esther Pauline Friedman? Didn't you know I would change it as soon as I could?"

To avoid traumatic situations like this on Earth 2.0, make it a rule that children cannot have names before age seven -- the so-called "age of reason." Give them numbers or alphabetical letters until they're able to sit down with their parents and, as a team, select the perfect name. Rejecting a name is to reject the wisdom of your parents. This could be very hurtful to a mother, considering what she went through during labor. Why should she feel the sting of disappointment from a child, whether it's Jay-Z or Marilyn Monroe or Sun Ra or even Buddy Hackett?

Follow Me, Nature

I've been walking around this planet for 50-odd years now, mindlessly enjoying tree-lined streets, tidy lawns, colorful yard plantings and the occasional bush. I always took it for granted that when people settled into neighborhoods, they brought with them the greatest hits from forests, meadows, etc. It's like they wanted nature to be within reach at all times so they didn't have to go to nature.

It just occurred to me that maybe we're being punished for moving nature to suit our desires. Seems rather selfish. Personally, I think you're annoyed that we're planting seeds wherever the heck we want -- as if your system wasn't good enough. Could this be why "bad things happen to good people?" If my assumption is correct, we will obviously need more guidance from above next time around. For Earth 2.0, could you please make your intentions clear right from the start? Otherwise, we'll just wing it and get into all sorts of trouble.

Or, quite possibly, I have this all wrong. If that's the case, I wish you would have told me before I made a fool of myself in front of the five people who will probably read this.

Marital Black Box

Arguments. They can pull people apart. Sow seeds of mistrust. Spark insults. Prompt pushing and/or punching. Maybe even trigger the sudden purchase of small firearms. Why not alleviate the agony of arguments by taking the airline industry's "black box" concept to a new level? For Earth 2.0, embed a recording device in our circuitry that allows us to settle arguments by playing back the conversation.

Obviously, every argument between two people should not be resolved by machine. I would start off modestly, until you see if my idea is practical. On the last day of every year, a husband and wife could challenge a decision the other had made during the year by summoning the Marital Black Box. The device would rule definitively on statements such as:

• "You told me I could destroy the pictures from your first wedding."
• "You promised to use a nail clipper and stop trimming your fingernails with your teeth."
• "What do you mean, the flower shop is completely sold out?"
• "I definitely did not agree to polka dot curtains."

If this works, children could hold their parents accountable and politicians could prove they were misquoted. Better yet, prosecutors could take the guesswork out of jury decisions. The world would be a safer, happier and less random place. Doesn't that just give you goose bumps?

An Extra Eye, Please

How about giving humans three eyes next time? Two would be for frontal and peripheral vision, as we have now. The other would be able to see five years into the future. Not every detail, but enough to know whether the person you're engaged to will make whoopee with your best friend, or embark on a five-state robbery spree that prompts your mother to say, "I told you there was something about Yves I didn't like."

A five-year peek into the future also would foretell if the person making you a job offer will turn your life into a living inferno, or if the puppy you want to adopt will never master the art of house training. A third eye could prevent a world of disappointment down here in the trenches. It could be tiny, and would not even require eyebrows. Should be a piece of cake for you!

Banana Color Spectrum

I have always lived in the Northern Hemisphere, far from the banana-growing tropics. More often than not, bananas at grocery stores in my hemisphere are all the same hue. Bright green seems to be the norm. When I bring them home, the interminable waiting begins. Why am I complaining to you about a human supply chain issue? Two reasons...

First of all, I wonder if you're planning to continue the perishable food concept for Earth 2.0. Perishable food is mighty tasty, but let's be honest, much of it goes uneaten because the right number of people in the right geographic region cannot always access perishable food before it turns funky. Human desire and nature's expiration date are not in sync, apparently.

The second reason, and in a sense the larger issue, is that technology sometimes backfires. We didn't have the banana color spectrum problem hundreds of years ago, before airplanes, cargo ships and trucks hauled them from hemisphere to hemisphere. People are giddy about inventing stuff and finding useful purposes for it, but inventions also can be frustrating. Especially if you have a hankering for a ripe banana. Maybe you could find a way for human ingenuity to produce only happy outcomes for all. Food for thought, anyway.

Mud-Free Existence?

A world without mud would be far more enjoyable than the current one, in my opinion. There must be a way to separate rain from dirt. There must! After all, you've separated the sea from the mountains, and the downtrodden from prosperity. Why not confine rain to bodies of water and foliage, which can fully absorb moisture?

In a mud-free existence, one would not have to wipe it off one's shoes or one's dog before entering one's home. This would translate directly into more free time to worship you, honor you, obey you, etc. -- each in our own way. We could spend more time helping the downtrodden, for starters. And the downtrodden could think of more effective ways to improve their situation. There are lots of good things we can do instead of removing mud from our lives. Might you give this some consideration for the new, improved world to come?

Televised Farming

While watching the Canada-USA Olympic Gold Medal women's hockey match the other night, I marveled at the fast-paced action and phenomenal athletic skills on display. I wondered why far more vital activities cannot be as thrilling, such as farming or processing adoption paperwork. Well, maybe not adoption paperwork, but certainly farming.

Imagine two brothers vying for the right to replace dad as King of the Fields. They have exactly one hour to plant pinto bean seeds on a 20-acre spread. This would be televised, of course, to a bluegrass soundtrack. I might suggest Flatt & Scruggs, since they're a duo like the brothers. For solo farming feats like speed carrot harvesting, Bill Monroe would be the obvious choice. I'll stop before I get carried away with silliness (e.g., tag-team wheat threshing, rhubarb jousting).

Here's the point I'm trying to make: If activities that are essential to our very existence could be as much fun to watch and participate in as sports, music or other diversions, more people would be drawn to them. If properly marketed, a Volunteer Olympics could have much wider appeal than young women chasing a puck with L-shaped sticks. This is powerful stuff, God. Put it in the hopper for your redesign of the human race.

Commandments 2.0

According to an ancient report, you gave a guy named Moses two huge stone tablets a few millennia ago called "The Ten Commandments." Most of them are excellent. Two are iffy. And, frankly, I think you missed a few. Let me give you my analysis of the tablets, which you can factor into your overhaul of the human race. (I assume they will need some general guidance.)

The first few commandments are basically about you. I can't comment on those because I don't know if you plan to tell people there is a higher power. Obviously, the results have been mixed in our world. Here's my take on the other commandments, for what it's worth...

Honor your father and mother -- If they're nice to you and others, I'm all for honoring them. However, if dad is a dictator who oppresses his countrymen and mom pisses on your cornflakes, you owe them nothing.

Don't murder or steal -- You nailed it!

Don't commit adultery --  See "Honor your father and mother."

Neighbors: Don't bear false witness against them, and don't covet the wife or anything that belongs to them -- False witness is fine, but a little coveting isn't the end of the world. Especially if she's a knockout and they have an Olympic-sized swimming pool.

I wish you had chiseled some of these into the tablets you handed to Moses:

• Don't tease people because they're not as handsome, skinny or talented as you are
• Help those who are struggling financially, emotionally or in other ways
• Don't drive when you're drunk or higher than a kite
• If you live with other people, put your stuff away when you're done with it 
• Be careful of buying things you want, but do not need

Thanks for listening, God. I hope you'll consider some of my suggestions when you unveil Commandments 2.0.

Neurons / Celebrities

When you sit down to map the circuitry of the human brain for Earth 2.0, consider vastly increasing the number of neurons necessary for people to worship celebrities. Make it really hard for us to care about a celebrity's social life. We may see a photograph of the celebrity with his/her wife/husband on occasion, but insist on clenched fists, furrowed brows and intense grimaces (all three) in order for us to ponder their relationship -- or even to mention the photograph to others.

Do you recall creating a male name Brad Pitt? Sure, he's cute, a fine actor, and he performs many good deeds. I'm pro-Brad. But a whole sea of humanity has been fixated on his every movement for almost two decades. This is also true for many lesser celebrities, who have risen to fame with just a few hit songs or a mildly popular television show. Can they compare to true superstars of a bygone era? Bob Hope traveled relentlessly around the world bringing laughter to soldiers who risked their lives to stop evil regimes from enslaving millions of people. What have Madonna and Paris Hilton done other than seeking fame and making sure they remain in our consciousness?

So, think about my neuron suggestion -- unless you want postage stamps of the future dominated by the world's sexiest men and women. Because that's what we'll do if you give us the chance.

"Professional" Wrestling

Recently, I watched a few minutes of "professional" wrestling on TV. I swear a big guy in red shorts helped his "opponent" hoist him in the air, only to crash violently on his back a moment later. This finally confirmed what I had long suspected, that the participants merely act out well-rehearsed scripts whose outcomes are predetermined. Why else would a "fighter" allow himself to "suffer" something that would trigger a health insurance deductible for 99% of the viewers? And that's not all. Every time I watch wrestling, I notice an uncanny percentage of two-counts -- offering a temporary reprieve from what looks like certain "defeat."

What I like about the "sport" is that nobody involved says whether a match is fixed or if each dude seriously wants to win. It's up to the audience to discern the truth. I feel that way about you. Many people say you're the real thing, while others are skeptical of your existence. Each one of us must decide if you, in fact, created the universe and rule over us. Assuming you do, then I'm fairly certain that you're using "professional" wrestling as a metaphor. I have no problem if you want to keep some things a mystery next time around. Makes me feel special knowing that I have answers, while others still have questions.

Feedback Frenzy

As you know, I brought my 2008 Honda Civic Hybrid into the dealership yesterday for a 15,000-mile service appointment. I arrived at 8:12 a.m. and picked it up at 1:32 p.m. It was ready at 10:35 a.m., but I couldn't get there until 2 hours and 57 minutes later. Today, I was contacted twice to complete a survey about my service experience: (1)  9:33 a.m. e-mail with a link to an online survey, and (2) 11:05 a.m. phone call by a female machine. I hung up. Wanna know why? I'll tell you anyway: because rotating tires, replacing oil and testing a battery are not the most important things in life. At least not in my life. I felt hounded, pestered, badgered and hunted down like a fugitive from the law.

Oh, I dream of living in Earth 2.0! I'm sure there will be unpleasantness, maybe even wickedness. But I certainly hope future people can complete simple transactions without being peppered for feedback via two different communication mediums a mere 1 hour and 32 minutes apart. Please give this serious consideration because it is distracting us from performing deeds that will gain us entry into heaven. Don't you want us to be there with you -- instead of with Lucifer in his hellish inferno?

Crumbling Infrastructure

If my front porch wasn't crumbling before my eyes, I wouldn't have to repair it. I would have more money to help people who lose their homes in natural disasters -- like the earthquake that devastated Haiti a few weeks ago and claimed 200,000 lives. Sure, I could send money to a relief agency. But what about the next massive upheaval in another part of the world? And the one after that? If I came to everyone's rescue except me and my porch, it would lower the value of my house when I decided to sell it. This would be bad news for future earthquake, tornado, hurricane, typhoon and tsunami victims.

For Earth 2.0, maybe you could fix it so people wouldn't have to make agonizing decisions like these. Have a team of geniuses create an information clearinghouse of everyone's income and expenses (password-protected, obviously). For example, I would enter my financial data into the clearinghouse, select "I want to help others," and then be assigned a reasonable sum to pay toward resolving all current global crises -- while leaving me enough to cover my personal expenses. Everybody wins!

You could monitor this for a couple centuries, and then tweak if necessary. What do you think? Am I crazy?

Your Foot Soldiers

This morning, two foot soldiers for the Lord (Jehovah's Witnesses) approached my domicile (four-bedroom bungalow) in order to engage me in conversation about spiritual issues involving you (God) and your son (Jesus). Though my dog (Emma) barked at the impeccably dressed duo, I did not move from where I stood (kitchen) until they walked south to the next house (neighbors).

With all due respect, home intrusion is not the best way to spread the "good news." In theory, we should already know how great you are. Many of us do, I'll grant you that, but many others place their ego first or else dismiss you as a jerk for allowing evil into the world. For Earth 2.0, how about not having Jehovah's Witnesses walk door-to-door delivering pamphlets that encourage us to surrender to your will? Instead, implant an invisible microchip in our brains that can read these pamphlets before they're delivered.

Academic Grades

I'm sure you're aware of all the anxiety caused by educational systems that assign letter grades for class performance. The aspirations of many talented people are jettisoned when they do not achieve the minimum grade point average that society requires for advancing to the next plane of existence. However, once people join the workforce, performance is not measured via the familiar A, B, C, D and F grades (we'll talk about E in a minute). That's quite a disconnect.

Consider programming the new human race to make the educational experience less restrictive and more enjoyable. Allow kids to learn what they want to learn and get on with their lives. If that's not practical, how about a compromise? Students would receive a phrase that mirrors their performance in a given subject, and they could decide if they're satisfied or if they want to improve.

For example...
All things are possible if you do not stray from this path
Better than most of your peers!
Complacency is not a very good quality, if you think about it
Danger is right around the corner, young man/lady
Ever think about applying yourself instead of goofing around so much?