Bad Weather at Night

Last night's colossal rain storm was a textbook example of how nasty weather and human activities can peacefully co-exist. Way to go! In the next world, I would ask you to save all storms for the dead of night, when the vast majority of people are snuggled in their beds sleeping. When they wake up, they can go about their business with a broad smile, knowing that once again nature has supplied the necessary moisture to sustain life at all levels.

Of course, this may have a negative impact on nocturnal animals, who like to play and hunt for food when humans are snoring. Or maybe it doesn't make a difference. I suppose I should have looked into that before writing to you. Either way, I'm certain you can come up with a solution that makes all creatures happy. How about a two-hour window after sundown and before the severe weather begins? Sort of like a "last call" at the bar.

Color-Coded Noses

What if one's nose color reflected how good or bad a person is, deep down inside? Ever think of that, God? This might be more effective in promoting model behavior than anything that currently exists. Let's face it, you can commit the most heinous crime and no one would know how evil you are unless you got caught. In my new scheme, that person's nose would turn purple the moment he commits the crime.

I humbly propose the following nasal colors for Earth 2.0:

• Average behavior and thoughts - white nose
• More good deeds and kinder thoughts than expected - pink nose
• Mother Theresa or Gandhi type - yellow nose with powder blue stars, clouds or halos
• Basically good-hearted, but a bit opportunistic - orange nose
• Always looking out for your best interests - forest green nose
• Few redeeming qualities - navy blue nose that frequently itches
• No redeeming qualities - purple nose that constantly drips

Obviously, we would lose the merriment of clowns with big red noses. But if you decided that clowns were merely a distraction to the human race, nobody would miss their noses.

Why Is It So Hard?

Swans mate for life. So do wolves and French angelfish. Even termites, I'm told. If birds, fish and animals can hook up so easily, why do humans have such a hard time? Are we more picky because we have so many different ways to call attention to ourselves? When choosing a mate, lower life forms do not have to consider one's choice of clothing, hairstyle, cultural preferences, command of table manners, parental lineage or career prospects. They just get right down to business.

Swans may say nothing more than, "Honk when you're ready to mate for life." A typical male wolf probably says, "It's awfully lonely terrorizing an entire countryside. Let's do this together." I'm sure French angelfish do not spend two years dating before asking mom, "Do you think he's right for me?" And I'd be shocked if a termite ever spurns a suitor. She'd have to stop destroying a porch, and what excuse could she possibly give? "You're disgusting! I wouldn't lay your eggs if you wore a straw hat and bow tie."

Do everything in your power to prevent humans of the future from having such complicated and often painful experiences in choosing a mate. Some people actually turn to violence when they cannot successfully mate. Where's the fun in that? There must be a middle ground between simply honking your intentions and spending three hours in front of a mirror before a first date.

Uno Language (s'il vous plait)

As you know, my daughter is in Germany right now visiting a friend. I'm sure she will have difficulty expressing herself on occasion, since she does not speak German. (Why say "neunzig neun luftballons" when you really mean "ninety nine red balloons?")

I wonder if animals face a similar problem when they travel great distances. Would "Grrrr, rufff, rufff, rufff" yelped by a Ukrainian dog visiting Portugal be interpreted as "Grrrr, howwwl, howwwl, howwwl?" You could say that's half the fun of traveling, but not if your tail was snapped in half as a result.

In the new world that you're designing, consider having one common language for all living creatures. This would not only prevent many national or ethnic skirmishes, but people would know what their dog wants at three in the morning. It's hard to ask inter-species questions at that hour, when you know they'll be answered by the same blank stare you'd get at three in the afternoon.