Asparagus Is My Friend

You know how asparagus easily snaps in half, allowing the best tasting, most nutritional half to be quickly and cleanly separated from the dorky half? Well, why can’t more things in life be so brilliantly conceived?

I don’t know what your parallel parking plans are for Earth 2.0, but to use the asparagus analogy, one would pull up between two vehicles, wink into the rearview mirror, and the car’s wheels would rotate 90 degrees to the right, allowing the car to slip into the spot without rocking back and forth, drawing attention to the driver’s lack of dexterity.

However, if you decide this is impractical, then please insist exclusively on angle parking for the human race that you're busy redesigning. The world certainly could accommodate slightly wider streets that angle parking requires -- as long as several million people are not crammed into a single city, while leaving huge slabs of geography with more butterflies than people (e.g., Montana). I assume you’re striving for a better population density balance next time around. Duh!

Once you’ve fixed the parallel parking problem, I would encourage you to go a step further and bring the “asparagus breakage” concept to a much more important issue: Make our selection of a spouse simple and eternal. Nobody wins in a divorce, except lawyers. Come to think of it, why not discourage lawyers from defending people who they’re pretty sure are guilty? If they try to do so, one of their legs will mysteriously break in half -- as quickly and cleanly as asparagus. Eventually, word will spread throughout the legal community and guilty people will have no experts to help them beat the system.

Ants Must Be Killed

Yes, I killed some ants today. But in all fairness, I did not invite them inside my well-kept house. Nor did I ask for the God-given ability to kill any species inferior to my own. I realize that from the ant point of view, this equates to genocide (or ethnic cleansing, at a minimum). Since their brains are microscopic, I’m sure they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong. That’s why I feel a little bit evil today.

To prevent lose-lose situations like these from occurring, why not give ants the same universal memory chip that tells birds when and where to migrate? Ants would use this hard-wired intelligence to realize that their entire colony could be wiped out if they invade a house, apartment, thatched hut or any other human dwelling that has a door. They would simply find somewhere else to play. The earth must seem pretty massive to an ant, so they would have seemingly endless opportunities to roam without annoying a species that has the ability not only to build houses and huts, but more importantly to destroy all lesser lifeforms.

Am I right or am I right?