I Happen to Like Alcohol

Alcohol, which I happen to like, is one of those things that can cause big problems when not used properly. I would put machetes and religion in that same category, just off the top of my head. I wish there was a way for these items to be enjoyed by law-abiders, but not taken to their extremes by others. I hope you're taking notes, God, because this would be a nice tweak for the new world.

Here's how my idea might play out, using the three examples above:

• A young man has too many fermented yeast beverages at the Earth 2.0 Pub 'n Grille, slides into his transportation device, and gets a pre-recorded celestial lecture when he tries to turn on the ignition. After the lecture, the doors lock and he must remain in the transportation device all night.
• A coconut harvester comes home from work early and catches a rival male satisfying his wife in a way that he instinctively feels is wrong. With machete in hand, he lunges at his rival intent on severing his head from his torso. He suddenly develops a central nervous system breakdown, manifested by shaky hands that cause the weapon to drop. The shaking continues until rival escapes and wife buries machete in nearby school yard.
• A brainwashed disciple of an elderly male know-it-all feels like killing a few dozen people who do not share his spiritual views. As he retrieves his holy spiral-bound notebook to begin sketching a plan of attack, tears stream down as if he were slicing onions without protective goggles. Every time he opens the notebook or loads his semi-automatic rifle, the tears prevent him from killing his perceived foes.

I have an entire notebook full of ideas along these lines, which I'd like to share with you. I'm free next week, except for Wednesday afternoon, Thursday afternoon and a noon conference call Friday that could drag on for over an hour. If you can work around these conflicts, go ahead and make an entry on my calendar. Otherwise, next week is wide open.

FYI, I didn't mean to imply that the coconut harvester's wife and rival male are blameless. They certainly deserve to be held accountable. Maybe their private parts burn for a year. Just enough to prove you're on top of things.