After the Meal

Would it make sense to drastically reduce the "cleanup" time after humans eat their meals? I realize that at the dawn of civilization, tidying up after gnawing raw animals was quite a bit simpler. Then, as our taste buds became more refined and dinner was elevated to an art form, obviously there were more dirty dishes and silverware to wash. "Hey, you did this to yourselves," you could say. And you'd be right.

People in the new world are going to follow the same path -- you know it and I know it. So why not give them a dazzling display of your mercy and allow the grime to vaporize once the head of household gives a signal that the meal is over? Let me suggest three loud taps on the table with an elbow. This would give you both a visual and audible clue (in case you're multitasking).

Transportation Woes

Saw a car smashed up against a tree on the ride back from St. Paul to Milwaukee today. I flashed forward to Earth 2.0, where transportation between two fixed points will be completely safe. (I'm assuming we're on the same page with this.) People will live longer, and their "next of kin" will have one less thing to be distressed about.

I know what you're thinking: "Everyone would drive mindlessly if there are no consequences. With all due respect, Joe, you don't have a great deal of experience designing worlds." I knew you were going to say that, so let me respond with: "All I'm doing is hoping for perfection next time around. If it's not possible, well, at least I've given it my best shot. You wouldn't expect anything less from me, would you?" Of course, you would agree. And that means a lot to me, God. It really does.

Thanks for the Nice Vistas

I thoroughly enjoyed the rich, almost "quilted" cloud patterns during the drive from Milwaukee to St. Paul today. It was overcast the whole day, as you know, and the contrast between light gray and dark blue within each cloud made for a very complex visual experience. Plus, the rolling hills and serene farms of western Wisconsin were quite a treat.

That got me thinking. It's a shame that some places on earth have nice vistas, while other places seem to be a waste of your prodigious creativity. For every western Wisconsin, there is a central Indiana. And I suppose that's okay. If you can make all of Earth 2.0 visually enticing, great! But if it would interfere with new approaches to reducing crime, preventing mental health problems, or helping people in urban areas drive their vehicles in a more courteous manner, then don't worry about. I'd rather have you focus on the big picture.

Nutrition Tips

You've made some mighty tasty foods, God. Mighty tasty, indeed. But why does the really good stuff contribute to obesity and its companion, low self-esteem? Logically, it should be the other way around. I mean, why tempt us with food that contributes to round tummies and looming medical problems? Macadamia nuts spring to mind.


On a less weighty note (sorry), could you prevent apples from turning brown so quickly once their skin is broken by mouth or knife? I just made some apple boats today to enjoy with a garlic hummus dip. I didn't want to eat the whole apple at once, so I kept half the slices on a dish next to the hummus. About half an hour later, I returned for more of the same and noticed the apples were turning brown. The hummus was fine at room temperature, incidentally, so great job with that.

I may have additional food tips for you, but I wanted to send these while they were top of mind. Plus, I'm not sure how far along you are in the Earth 2.0 redesign.

Haves vs. Have-Nots

I just returned from a wonderful celebratory dinner. Obviously, you know what I celebrated, so I won't explain it here. Whenever I splurge like this, a twinge of guilt accompanies me. I'm fortunate to be a "have," but I always wish the "have-nots" could enjoy similar experiences.

So, as you plan all the intricacies of Earth 2.0, consider leveling things out a bit more between people on different ends of the economic spectrum. Do I want wealth to be equally distributed among everyone? Don't be silly! They'd all be robots. A little jealousy and a little aspiration are actually beneficial. They give life a rich texture and are catalysts for progress. I'm confident that you'll make the right decision regarding haves and have-nots. Go, God, go!

Bad Things / Good People

Next time around, you might want to de-emphasize bad things happening to good people. It causes us to question the extent of your love, and sometimes your very existence. Not sure that's what you intended, but there it is. I have to be honest.

Even if you gave the new race 98% free will (everything except killing/maiming), I'm sure there will be bad people. Save the car accidents and strokes for them. "Ha, ha!" you could say. "Told you to behave, but n-o-o-o-o-o-o, you had to swindle investors out of their hard-earned money." See where I'm going with this? Keep it simple and direct.

Wait a minute! I just remembered a fundamental law of nature: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Maybe that explains why bad things happen to good people. I’m so confused...

Rethink Free Will

I've mentioned this to you before, but merely as a complaint. Hopefully you'll look at it more seriously now that you intend to shake things up. I'm talking, of course, about free will. It's a fantastic concept. It really is. But I'm sure you know how many people abuse it. I once read a book called "The Cartoon History of the Universe" and just about every page mentioned a violent conquest of territory. Violence happens even when geography is not at stake, as I'm sure you know. After all, you're God!

So, if I were you, I would give the inhabitants of Earth 2.0 lots and lots of freedom. But I would prevent them from going that extra step and killing or hacking off a limb, etc. Give the new people a greater measure of security. You'd be surprised how much of a difference that will make. They'll still be free to choose you or evil. I wouldn't want to remove that from the equation.

Try it. If I'm wrong, then wrap up my soul and send it for same-day delivery to Lucifer. I am willing to take that chance!

What a Great Idea!

I just heard that after you destroy all life on our planet, you're going to give it a total makeover and release Earth 2.0.  Excellent idea, God!  I'm all for it.  Even though I won't be around to enjoy a new, improved world, I'd like to offer some tips for the redesign.

I don't just want to criticize and whine.  I'll be sure and point out the many good things you've done.  I mean, this is a pretty complex place you created.  Was seven days a bit rushed?  It kind of seems that way, in retrospect, but who am I to judge?  On the bright side, you did an awesome job with the Hawaiian islands.  Been there twice.  Hope to retire there.

I have lots of ideas, God, so please check back regularly if you have the time.  Get it?  Time?  You?