17 Miles Per Hour

This has been on my "Tell God" list for quite awhile, but after following a very slow driver this morning, I have to bring it to your attention. Heading south on a two-lane street in my sleepy village, I found myself slowing down to 17 miles per hour to avoid a collision with the car in front of me. The speed limit sign said 25 miles per hour. Clearly, the driver felt comfortable navigating at 32% below the speed limit. On one hand, I admired her for not driving recklessly to please fellow motorists. On the other hand, I wished the street had four lanes. But it did not. And that's where you come in.

When two people want different things at the same moment in time, but cannot both have them, why not allow one person to temporarily inhabit a parallel dimension? Let's say I chose that option this morning. My car would still be visible, but it would be grayed out (like choices in a software program that are unavailable) and my shadow would be behind the wheel. I would actually be driving above the street at my customary 32 miles per hour, invisible to those who remained in their native dimension. I could rejoin the world at any time, presumably after I passed Ms. 17.

As soon as I touched down, my grayed-out car would vaporize. I would now be driving in front of my adversary, who would no doubt be startled. But that's a good thing. Perhaps this would teach her an important life lesson: Don't drive slower than the speed limit unless you're being (1) pummeled by rain, (2) blanketed by snow, or (3) enshrouded in fog.

If this concept proves feasible on Earth 2.0, you'd be silly to confine it to traffic flow. Defenseless people would love to flip a switch and be spared an oncoming bullet, an unwanted penis, and things of that nature.

Egos & Orbits

Egos have caused an enormous amount of sorrow all throughout human history. That's one of the drawbacks of free will. If you insist on free-for-all free will for Earth 2.0 (despite my persistent pleas to curtail it), could you at least alter Earth's orbit enough to change the composition of our brains so that enslaving a huge population would not occur to a person? Powerful egos would be as foreign as chewing a coffee table leg when your bladder needs relief instead of visiting the nearest rest room.

If a subtle change in the trajectory of Earth's orbit cures the ego problem -- and saves much killing, torture and seizing of land -- chances are it would change other fundamental aspects of the human race. If Earth travels faster, I imagine our faces might be elongated. If we tried to say the word, "how," it would sound like "ho." Thus, the famous Santa Claus mantra, "Ho, ho, ho" would be devoid of meaning. That's a small price to pay for not suffering under a dictator who will stop at nothing to attain and retain power.

Likewise, a slower orbit might make our fingers half the size they are now. Obviously, basketball wouldn't be quite the same. Kneecaps would disappear because the thighs and shins would be one. There goes weightlifting! New sports and leisure activities would certainly emerge. Olympic medals might be awarded for rolling down a steep hill. Who knows? I'm sure you could find a way to suppress our egos and yet make our bodies compatible with our surroundings. It might take Earth 3.0 or Earth 4.0 to get it right, but it would be well worth your effort.

I can't wait! Hurry up with that Apocalypse you've been promising. The suspense is killing me.