Blues Rules

I probably should take this up with the Federal Communications Commission, but thought I'd try you first. Maybe some of my frustration can be addressed in the new world you're designing.

As you know, I've loved blues music from the very first note I heard. It irks me when people who obviously have not lived the blues try to play the blues. I usually change the station or walk out of the room. But I heard something in the car a few days ago that I'm hoping is not repeated on Earth 2.0. A young lady from a large geographic, but sparsely populated, state attempted to entertain me on a dedicated radio blues station. I forced myself to listen to the entire song so that my rage would make this a more compelling appeal.

I would very much appreciate if you crafted some firm rules on who can and cannot sing the blues in the next rev. For example, you cannot run for President of the United States unless you are at least 35 years old. Why not require future blues singers to have earned the right to sing the blues? The more clear-cut you are, the better for everyone. Let me suggest that a blues artist truthfully must be able to say:

• I have lived for at least 10 years at or below the poverty level,
• I have been passed up three or more consecutive times for jobs I was well qualified for, and
• I face racial, ethnic, religious, sexual or other major forms of oppression on a daily basis

Don't make the blues rules so lengthy that only a handful of people meet the criteria. But don't allow people who have lived a fairly pleasant, trouble-free life to strap on a guitar, tap the microphone, and rip into a sad tale of first-person woe. That's just plain wrong. Besides, we need people like that to enjoy the blues, imagining what it must be like to live at or below the poverty level, etc.

No Names Until Age 7

The human birth process can be quite excruciating. Pregnant women shriek in pain, demanding epidurals to stop them from going bonkers and wanting to escape earth's orbit. Hours and hours and hours go by, and still no baby! Nurses continually monitor vital signs, fathers regret the moment of conception, and grandparents stare blankly at corded telephones that refuse to ring.

When the little guy finally wins the battle of the flesh and greets the new world, he is bathed with love and attention. Everything is idyllic for awhile -- until he comes to despise his name. "Mom, I think Shaffer Chimere Smith is a horrible name," rap star Ne-Yo might have said on more than one occasion. Or, in an earlier era, the advice columnist we know as Ann Landers probably wondered, "What possessed you to name me Esther Pauline Friedman? Didn't you know I would change it as soon as I could?"

To avoid traumatic situations like this on Earth 2.0, make it a rule that children cannot have names before age seven -- the so-called "age of reason." Give them numbers or alphabetical letters until they're able to sit down with their parents and, as a team, select the perfect name. Rejecting a name is to reject the wisdom of your parents. This could be very hurtful to a mother, considering what she went through during labor. Why should she feel the sting of disappointment from a child, whether it's Jay-Z or Marilyn Monroe or Sun Ra or even Buddy Hackett?

Follow Me, Nature

I've been walking around this planet for 50-odd years now, mindlessly enjoying tree-lined streets, tidy lawns, colorful yard plantings and the occasional bush. I always took it for granted that when people settled into neighborhoods, they brought with them the greatest hits from forests, meadows, etc. It's like they wanted nature to be within reach at all times so they didn't have to go to nature.

It just occurred to me that maybe we're being punished for moving nature to suit our desires. Seems rather selfish. Personally, I think you're annoyed that we're planting seeds wherever the heck we want -- as if your system wasn't good enough. Could this be why "bad things happen to good people?" If my assumption is correct, we will obviously need more guidance from above next time around. For Earth 2.0, could you please make your intentions clear right from the start? Otherwise, we'll just wing it and get into all sorts of trouble.

Or, quite possibly, I have this all wrong. If that's the case, I wish you would have told me before I made a fool of myself in front of the five people who will probably read this.