The human birth process can be quite excruciating. Pregnant women shriek in pain, demanding epidurals to stop them from going bonkers and wanting to escape earth's orbit. Hours and hours and hours go by, and still no baby! Nurses continually monitor vital signs, fathers regret the moment of conception, and grandparents stare blankly at corded telephones that refuse to ring.
When the little guy finally wins the battle of the flesh and greets the new world, he is bathed with love and attention. Everything is idyllic for awhile -- until he comes to despise his name. "Mom, I think Shaffer Chimere Smith is a horrible name," rap star Ne-Yo might have said on more than one occasion. Or, in an earlier era, the advice columnist we know as Ann Landers probably wondered, "What possessed you to name me Esther Pauline Friedman? Didn't you know I would change it as soon as I could?"
To avoid traumatic situations like this on Earth 2.0, make it a rule that children cannot have names before age seven -- the so-called "age of reason." Give them numbers or alphabetical letters until they're able to sit down with their parents and, as a team, select the perfect name. Rejecting a name is to reject the wisdom of your parents. This could be very hurtful to a mother, considering what she went through during labor. Why should she feel the sting of disappointment from a child, whether it's Jay-Z or Marilyn Monroe or Sun Ra or even Buddy Hackett?
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Jason and I actually thought of this idea a while back. I'm sure it was stolen, just like a bunch of basil or a secret recipe, at a Fumo Family Reunion.
ReplyDeleteWe disagree on the age you propose for the naming and argue that 3 years is the best choice. I hypothesize that 3-year-olds are likely to choose names for themselves based on some of their favorite fantasy/book characters. I bet Dante would have named himself Babar! A few years ago maybe Nemo! Or even Big Bird! When Big Bird is 7 or 12 or even 17, and proposes a ridiculous idea that you, as a parent, would like to convince her is in fact ridiculous, you can remind her how great of an idea she thought Big Bird was at 3 and ask her how she thinks this idea will look at your age? And, you can look her in the eye and tell her that you made a big mistake in letting her name herself at 3 and because of that you can never again let her make such big life decisions for herself.
Of course, this may not work for children who embrace their own names and continually take pride in them throughout their childhoods. But, maybe those are the children who are sure of themselves from day One and we should be letting them make their own decisions. Okay, the developmental psychologist in me now envisions a study...(4 groups: self-confident and parent names, self-confident and child names,... Dad-this one's for you since you're trying to figure out what you learned from those obscure-sounding Psych courses you took in the 70s at UW).
Where was I? Oh yes! This is why I'm still childless!
Congratulations, Megan. I believe you're the first person to leave a comment longer than one sentence. I like your idea in paragraph two. Keep the comments coming. It's nice to know that people are reading this blog.
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