Very Vermont

Have you ever been to Vermont in late September, God? It's one thing to create amazing panoramas of colorful trees, but you should go undercover and experience it as we do. If you did, I bet you would make more of Earth look and feel like New England in fall foliage season. You might also want to transport the overwhelming sense of peace, comfort and tranquility that nature can provide to more areas of the world.

Next time, shoot for more Vermont in autumn and less Mexico City or Mumbai in summer. Would you agree that many cities are overcrowded and teeming with slums, crime, hopelessness, etc? I realize that we're responsible for the messes we create. But I wish you would do more to discourage us from making choices that lead to dreadful conditions like these. I know you're going to play the "free will" card here. But we didn't ask for free will. Most of us don't even deserve it, quite frankly. Let us earn free will, like we earn everything else in life.

Meanwhile, you will have evenly distributed scenic wonders so that no one has to travel more than an hour to be awed by nature. I'm not sure these two thoughts are in any way connected, but I wanted to plant them in your ear while my trip to Vermont is still fresh in my mind. Whatever you decide to do, have a little fun with it!

Outside the Seasonal Box

I saw many Christmas items at a department store today -- 99 days before Christmas. That's a full 27% of the calendar year. I hope Earth 2.0 retailers grasp the true meaning of "season" before displaying their seasonal offerings. To whatever extent you want to get involved in this quandary, I would welcome it.

Maybe a risk-and-reward system is in order. If retailers stretch a universally recognized season such as Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's Day or Cinco de Mayo to unreasonable lengths, give everyone involved in the decision flu-like symptoms for a weekend. Gradually, they will learn to think outside the seasonal box. Consumers would have one less thing to complain about and, therefore, would be happier as these momentous holidays come and go. Happier people are more inclined to spread their joy and help others.

When I see Christmas stockings for sale 99 days before the Big Day, I am more inclined to punch a stranger than to ask if there's anything at all I could do to improve his current mood or his station in life. Maybe I'm exaggerating. I'd probably just step on his toes moderately hard. Punching could invite legal action, and that certainly wouldn't be in the spirit of the Christmas season.

You Cannot Hide Forever

If I were to create the human race from scratch, one of my top priorities would be to minimize crime. There are many laws to make crime unappealing and many policepeople to apprehend criminals, yet crime continues to thrive. I have an idea that might be more effective.

Everyone who commits a crime would have to reveal it at some point in their life. Since you created these criminals, God, you get to decide when, where and how these ugly actions would rise to the surface. With a mere twinkle of your celestial nose, the truth would flow forth. For example...

Scenario #1:  A person who stole a young woman's bike tire one evening while she was working at a department store would mention it during a job interview several years later. The interviewer, of course, would be that woman.

Scenario #2:  A fifth-grader steals a pack of baseball cards at a convenience store and thinks he can take this secret to the grave. However, he coughs up the information on the U.S. Senate campaign trail and is forced to withdraw his candidacy.

This would work best if everybody knew that one day their crimes would be unveiled at the worst possible time in their life. Well, this has certainly been fun. I sure hope you're remembering all of my great ideas.

Fast-Acting Medication

I simply must tell you about two television commercials I saw the other night, just minutes apart. In both cases, the actors felt miserable, swallowed a pill, then were cured in the blink of an eye. As a matter of fact, they were downright giddy. I thought to myself, "If it's so easy to change one's mood with a pill, how hard could it be to design a planet where the inhabitants never feel miserable in the first place?"

So let me ask you point blank: Are you going to allow people to: (1) suffer, (2) encounter bad luck, or (3) be inconvenienced from time to time? Going a step further, will plagues, ice ages and other widespread calamities be part of your plans for Earth 2.0? Unless they serve some purpose only you can fathom, I would vote for making life essentially one big fiesta. If we find that feeling too happy doesn't seem right, I'm sure we'll invent a pill to make us feel miserable for awhile.