Televised Farming

While watching the Canada-USA Olympic Gold Medal women's hockey match the other night, I marveled at the fast-paced action and phenomenal athletic skills on display. I wondered why far more vital activities cannot be as thrilling, such as farming or processing adoption paperwork. Well, maybe not adoption paperwork, but certainly farming.

Imagine two brothers vying for the right to replace dad as King of the Fields. They have exactly one hour to plant pinto bean seeds on a 20-acre spread. This would be televised, of course, to a bluegrass soundtrack. I might suggest Flatt & Scruggs, since they're a duo like the brothers. For solo farming feats like speed carrot harvesting, Bill Monroe would be the obvious choice. I'll stop before I get carried away with silliness (e.g., tag-team wheat threshing, rhubarb jousting).

Here's the point I'm trying to make: If activities that are essential to our very existence could be as much fun to watch and participate in as sports, music or other diversions, more people would be drawn to them. If properly marketed, a Volunteer Olympics could have much wider appeal than young women chasing a puck with L-shaped sticks. This is powerful stuff, God. Put it in the hopper for your redesign of the human race.

Commandments 2.0

According to an ancient report, you gave a guy named Moses two huge stone tablets a few millennia ago called "The Ten Commandments." Most of them are excellent. Two are iffy. And, frankly, I think you missed a few. Let me give you my analysis of the tablets, which you can factor into your overhaul of the human race. (I assume they will need some general guidance.)

The first few commandments are basically about you. I can't comment on those because I don't know if you plan to tell people there is a higher power. Obviously, the results have been mixed in our world. Here's my take on the other commandments, for what it's worth...

Honor your father and mother -- If they're nice to you and others, I'm all for honoring them. However, if dad is a dictator who oppresses his countrymen and mom pisses on your cornflakes, you owe them nothing.

Don't murder or steal -- You nailed it!

Don't commit adultery --  See "Honor your father and mother."

Neighbors: Don't bear false witness against them, and don't covet the wife or anything that belongs to them -- False witness is fine, but a little coveting isn't the end of the world. Especially if she's a knockout and they have an Olympic-sized swimming pool.

I wish you had chiseled some of these into the tablets you handed to Moses:

• Don't tease people because they're not as handsome, skinny or talented as you are
• Help those who are struggling financially, emotionally or in other ways
• Don't drive when you're drunk or higher than a kite
• If you live with other people, put your stuff away when you're done with it 
• Be careful of buying things you want, but do not need

Thanks for listening, God. I hope you'll consider some of my suggestions when you unveil Commandments 2.0.

Neurons / Celebrities

When you sit down to map the circuitry of the human brain for Earth 2.0, consider vastly increasing the number of neurons necessary for people to worship celebrities. Make it really hard for us to care about a celebrity's social life. We may see a photograph of the celebrity with his/her wife/husband on occasion, but insist on clenched fists, furrowed brows and intense grimaces (all three) in order for us to ponder their relationship -- or even to mention the photograph to others.

Do you recall creating a male name Brad Pitt? Sure, he's cute, a fine actor, and he performs many good deeds. I'm pro-Brad. But a whole sea of humanity has been fixated on his every movement for almost two decades. This is also true for many lesser celebrities, who have risen to fame with just a few hit songs or a mildly popular television show. Can they compare to true superstars of a bygone era? Bob Hope traveled relentlessly around the world bringing laughter to soldiers who risked their lives to stop evil regimes from enslaving millions of people. What have Madonna and Paris Hilton done other than seeking fame and making sure they remain in our consciousness?

So, think about my neuron suggestion -- unless you want postage stamps of the future dominated by the world's sexiest men and women. Because that's what we'll do if you give us the chance.

"Professional" Wrestling

Recently, I watched a few minutes of "professional" wrestling on TV. I swear a big guy in red shorts helped his "opponent" hoist him in the air, only to crash violently on his back a moment later. This finally confirmed what I had long suspected, that the participants merely act out well-rehearsed scripts whose outcomes are predetermined. Why else would a "fighter" allow himself to "suffer" something that would trigger a health insurance deductible for 99% of the viewers? And that's not all. Every time I watch wrestling, I notice an uncanny percentage of two-counts -- offering a temporary reprieve from what looks like certain "defeat."

What I like about the "sport" is that nobody involved says whether a match is fixed or if each dude seriously wants to win. It's up to the audience to discern the truth. I feel that way about you. Many people say you're the real thing, while others are skeptical of your existence. Each one of us must decide if you, in fact, created the universe and rule over us. Assuming you do, then I'm fairly certain that you're using "professional" wrestling as a metaphor. I have no problem if you want to keep some things a mystery next time around. Makes me feel special knowing that I have answers, while others still have questions.