Consider my strengths:
- I am an excellent listener and translator. As you know, I was a newspaper reporter for five years and then a business writer for nearly three decades. Obviously, I have a proven track record of faithfully reproducing the thoughts of others for a wide and diverse audience.
- I have been recognized as a kind, considerate, compassionate and -- may I say? -- humble person. Just the kind of guy you want on your team.
- I have been wearing sandals every summer since middle school.
I have studied the parables of Jesus extensively, and believe I could instruct wayward people in compelling ways using 21st Century examples. Just off the top of my head, mustard seed might become café au lait with a shot of caramel. Killing a calf to welcome the return of the prodigal son is unheard of in modern civilization. Instead, maybe the kid’s parents pay off his remaining college loans. This is the type of creativity you can expect from Joe Fumo the Prophet.
The rest of this document assumes my role would be to convey your wishes that people do not let earthly desires sidetrack them from receiving their eternal reward. That’s what other prophets focused on, and I’m cool with it. If we’re in agreement, then we can go in one of two directions:
(1) You tell me exactly what you want people to hear, and I will deliver public speeches, write sacred texts, use the Internet to its full potential, and pay close attention to emerging media as vital communication outlets.
(2) You give me general guidelines on key messages -- the 30-million-foot view -- and I’ll convey them in my own way (e.g., parables relevant to the present age).
Whatever method you choose, I will do my very best to spread the word far and wide. Like you, I think people focus too much energy on the pursuit of pleasure. Men chase women, women buy handbags, and so on and so forth.
The real question is: How to cut through the clutter? How to make it clear that my words are actually your words? For centuries, people have been warned about false prophets. That does not appeal to me one iota. No, sir! I want to be the real thing.
Consider giving me a physical feature that would scream “sent from above.” How about as I’m speaking your word to the multitudes, whenever I blink, they see a vision of yourself in a white robe with arms outstretched? Or my fingernails sparkle in a shifting palette of colors when I deliver your message, but revert to normal after each sentence? The possibilities are endless!
This may satisfy onlookers, but others would still be suspicious. That’s where the written word really needs to dazzle. Reading my works (or yours, we’ll have to figure out the royalties) could put the reader in a trance. They would suddenly feel warm on cold days, and cold on warm days. On pleasant days, their body would mysteriously vibrate just enough to know you are nudging them toward infinity. This would apply to both the traditional and Braille versions of our works.
Between the blinking, the fingernails, the temperature changes and the subtle vibrations, this ought to take care of 90 percent of the population. Let the other 10 percent rot in hell. I mean, what’s it there for? As nasty as hell sounds, it serves a purpose because it encourages good behavior here on earth. If I’m as effective a prophet as I think I can be -- given some of the ideas I’ve outlined -- then I’ll drastically change the heaven/hell ratio. After I’m gone, people will gradually forget my core teachings and fall back into bad habits. Wait a couple centuries and send another prophet to get the ratio back up to 90/10, would be my suggestion.
Rather than playing the prophet game, why not simply pay us a visit yourself? Pick a day and appear everywhere simultaneously on that day each year until we finally see things your way. January 1 is an obvious choice, but don’t rule out the day after Thanksgiving, when many people are just beginning to honor your son by buying Christmas gifts.
Would I make a good prophet, or what?
