Gotta Minute, God?

My Vision for Plant Life

2012-02-10T17:21:00.000-06:00

What can I say? I’m impressed with your approach to plant life. Though primarily green, vegetation really utilizes the entire color spectrum. And nutritionally, there’s something for everyone. Obviously, a lot of thought went into plant life design. Having said that, would it trouble you if I made just a few improvements for Earth 2.0?

#1 – As articulated in Banana Color Spectrum, too much food spoils before it finds the human palate, despite our finest harvesting and supply chain management techniques. If you could chip away at the food waste problem, you would be even more revered than you are now.

#2 – What were you thinking with weeds? Are they the work of your adversary, Satan? For argument’s sake, let’s say you’ve got a soft spot for weeds and they will always have a role on our planet. I have firsthand knowledge that some weeds protect themselves against annihilation via prickly stems. I understand the premise: touch me and you’ll suffer! But why is this true only for a small percentage of weeds? It’s the same with highly prized plants like roses and raspberries. I would choose one or the other: prick your finger on plants that make you frown or that make you smile. Many of us appreciate simple rules that are consistently enforced. Well, I do anyway.

#3 – This is the least important of my concerns, but could you arrange it so we can easily open all pistachio nuts? In every bag of raw pistachio nuts that has come into my life, it seems 5-8% fall into the “nearly impossible to access” category. Again, a waste of your good work.

#4 (setup) – All of these ideas should be simple for you to fix. The real challenge will be to take photosynthesis to unheard of levels. According to a book I own that retails for $24.95, photosynthesis removes carbon dioxide from the air, supercharges plant growth, and then releases oxygen for all land-based critters to enjoy. (I’m paraphrasing.) Something potentially harmful is turned into something life-sustaining. If photosynthesis wore a black hat, it would be a magician. So, even if a tree is boring (e.g., ash), by keeping it alive, photosynthesis benefits man, woman, beast and bug alike.

#4 (action item) – Can this same concept be extended to provide an entire new layer of benefits to humankind? Instead of sending prophets down here to disseminate your thoughts, appoint special people to serve as Tranquility Agents. Give them the power to absorb fear, danger and (if you want to go all out) indecision – and release the opposite qualities. Don’t laugh, but these agents could be half-human, half-plant. Human torso, legs and head, but arms like weeping willows. And bananas for ears. You’re laughing, aren’t you?

The Self-Grooming Solution

2012-01-22T00:33:00.000-06:00

Ten fingernails and ten toenails require constant attention if we are to successfully integrate into society. The same is true for male facial hair, nose hair and ear hair. Women, meanwhile, keep busy shaving their legs, plucking chin hairs and streamlining eyebrows. This is the price of civilization.

When you redesign the human body for Earth 2.0, would it be a stretch to embed a self-grooming mechanism within all body parts that currently require trimming rituals? Look at the benefits:

More time to indulge in one’s personal interests – whether it’s practicing magic tricks, writing powerful manifestos for social change, or something in between.
Instead of purchasing services from barbers, manicurists and nail technicians, we could redirect those dollars to afford more police officers, day care providers, grocery store clerks and Department of Motor Vehicle employees.
Auto-groomed men and women would help us become a more peaceful race because we’d have one less competitive factor when dating, applying for jobs, etc.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. You can break down a lot more barriers that prevent us from achieving harmony with one another. Competition is best reserved for board games or fencing bouts.

If This, Then That

2011-12-22T22:27:00.000-06:00

I don’t think humans are held fully accountable for their actions. Too often, people who behave in a rude or selfish manner emerge victorious. Their victims are left to sulk, with no recourse to complain in a meaningful or effective way. Why? Because the winners are usually stronger or more important than the lesser beings who they demean. There may be other explanations, but the point is, their actions should have consequences.

Here are a few consequences you may wish to consider for Earth 2.0:

If you smite someone, your field would wither. No questions asked.
If you tease someone based on their ethnicity or place of origin, your pants would mysteriously fall to your ankles the next time you’re in a crowd.
If you have intimate relations outside the marriage – without permission from your spouse – you would age twice as fast as normal.
If you circumvent the legal system to preserve or enhance your fortune, your children would either disown you or cause you eternal sorrow by some other means.

Give everyone a fair chance to avoid these grave consequences by revealing your intentions to a prophet disguised as a children’s author. Command the prophet-author to write a classic book that everyone will have heard or read many times before reaching puberty. Have the prophet call the book, If This, Then That.

Am I nuts? Or did I nail it?

Rethink Duality

2011-12-10T12:05:00.000-06:00

Good and evil. Light and darkness. Happiness and tragedy. Wealth and poverty. Seinfeld and Jersey Shore. Are opposites really necessary? Or do we want to believe this in order to make sense of the universe and our place within it? I’m hoping that duality is something you figured would be cool, but are willing to reconsider for Earth 2.0 – given the problems it has caused on Earth 1.0.

I realize it may be impractical to have nothing but sunshine, happiness and top-notch TV shows. Life would have no texture unless there was something to complain about. Would you consider Duality Lite? Instead of a fifty-fifty split, make life on earth two-thirds pleasant and one-third problematic.

For example, nasty ass dictators would rule one-third as long as they do now. Wars would claim two-thirds fewer lives. Children would take our advice two out of three times instead of one out of three times. Temperatures would be one-third warmer in northern climates and one-third cooler in southern climates. Regardless of the climate, there would be one-third as many weeds in a typical yard. Just a few ideas to get you jump-started.

Bottom line: Every member of the human race would feel better about life on Earth 2.0 than they do on Earth 1.0. You would benefit, too, because people would be two-thirds more spiritual and would sin one-third as often. Can you imagine what Earth 3.0 would be like???

1 Thank You = 1 Travel Credit

2011-12-02T09:04:00.000-06:00

I read an article this morning by a German woman who recounted her recent travels throughout South America while completing a college degree. I was envious of her ability to see the world, considering that I'm pretty much anchored in the southeastern corner of an upper Midwestern state. Plus, I know from prior writings that this woman – an airline pilot – has been to many exotic locales in Europe and Africa. I realize that she is seeing more of the planet than I am because we chose different paths in life. But it seems unfair that not everyone who wishes to travel extensively has the opportunity to do so.

That’s where you come in, God. For the next rev, I ask that you level the playing field. People like the above-mentioned pilot would have no restrictions on travel. Neither would those who can afford to travel at will. Allow everyone else to earn one travel credit for each “thank you” uttered. You keep score, but please make sure that travel is commensurate with public displays of gratitude. A sincere “thank you” would include examples like this:

“Thanks for dinner, Mom. It was yummy.”
“Thanks for getting that stain out of my favorite shirt, honey. You’re the best!”
“Thanks for doing my homework, sis, so I could watch a live televised sporting event of immense significance.”

To prevent abuse, no one would know that thanking someone equates to a travel credit. It would just mysteriously happen. Like waking up from a dream and realizing that you’re not in prison for the rest of your life.

Migraines for Dictators

2011-10-27T07:45:00.000-05:00

Finally! Another dictator who made millions of people suffer for decades is dead. This one stuck around for 42 years, acting like he owned the country over which he dictated. I’m sure life would have been much rosier for his subjects had you put a curse on him whenever you sensed he had evil intentions.

May I suggest that on Earth 2.0, people like Moammar Gadhafi be given migraine headaches every time they think about repressing rights? You just need to rewire the brain circuitry. Instead of left brain/right brain (organization/creativity), design a good brain/bad brain. Thoughts that veer to the dark side would be interrupted by a killer headache, with absolutely no letup for three days. Simple tasks like tying shoes or setting an alarm clock would be a challenge.

Eventually, people would figure this out and try to counteract the migraines by taking a pill or drinking a special potion. These would only intensify the pain. I’m thinking the world would be a much happier place if we had to choose between stirring up trouble and feeling fine. Couldn’t have both.

Benevolent Leapfrog Program

2011-10-19T09:19:00.000-05:00

This happens every day on Earth, to many people… You are driving on a busy street. Just as you approach a traffic light at a major intersection, the light turns red. You are obligated to stop and pretty much do nothing for a minute or two. If you happen to be in a hurry, this seems like an eternity.

When you redesign the human race, please give consideration to my Benevolent Leapfrog Program. If a driver in the above scenario performed an unselfish “good deed” within the previous 24 hours, the person should be allowed to tap the steering wheel twice and – with your approval – fly over the intersection and gently land when it’s safe to do so. To avoid accidents, you should decide precisely where the vehicle lands.

As an alternative to performing an unselfish good deed, the driver must have made three people smile within the past 24 hours. I know what you’re thinking: What’s to stop everybody from pretending to smile all the time, thereby helping one another avoid waiting for red lights to turn green? Well, you will have to ascertain the validity of each smile. I know it’s a lot of busy work, but if you are truly omnipresent, it shouldn’t be an issue. Those who deceptively smile will be brought to justice by finding themselves trailing a student driver on a two-lane street when they’re in a hurry. Or a similar horror of your choosing.

Of APCAs and IRUs

2011-09-29T19:29:00.000-05:00

Do you realize that urban outdoor air pollution causes an estimated 1.3 million deaths a year? If we are to believe the World Health Organization, that’s an awful lot of dead people who simply wanted to breathe air in order to continue living. In my high school Literature class, this would have been called a dichotomy. Or a paradox. Maybe both.

As I understand it, humans are responsible for air pollution and its deadly aftermath. However, since this is yet another negative consequence of giving us unrestricted free will, I kindly ask your assistance in righting the ship for Earth 2.0. Each year on a person’s birthday, give them a new Air Pollution Credit Allotment (APCA). Feel free to change the equation, but for a conversation starter, let me suggest this: your current age times the day of the month of your birth divided by the day of the week you were born (1 = Monday, 7 = Sunday). As I write this, my APCA is 163.

If my actions over the course of a year foul the air more than 163 Internationally Recognized Units (IRU), I would have to appear before a tribunal. The tribunal would know how much I polluted because you’d have given them this insight. Duh! I’d be penalized for every IRU over 163. The penalty would vary according to local custom and ability of the culprit to pay – whether in currency or in the form of deeds benefitting the region of the world that I over-polluted.

The ball’s in your court, God!

Too Many Pix?

2011-09-04T15:40:00.000-05:00

I’d like to know how many photos are snapped globally each year. I’ll toss out 100 billion for the sake of discussion. How many of those are truly worth keeping or sharing? Let’s say 5 billion. If my subtraction skills are still intact, then 95 billion pictures should never have been snapped. I don’t mean to criticize, but how could there be a 95% error rate for anything other than hitting a bull’s eye in bar darts? For that matter, why the frenzy to capture so many natural wonders and birthday parties for posterity?

If I were a baseball announcer, I might say: “After seven innings, it’s Technology 9, Live in the Moment 4.”

I’m thinking a 2.0 brain should be capable of retaining images and vividly calling them up at will. With mind-sharing permission, other brains could view these images. Only the best of the best of the best – perhaps 200 million annually – would need to be printed or disseminated electronically. If you could make this happen, then people could use the time they would have spent snapping and processing 99.8 billion photos a year on more pressing matters. The world needs more tutoring, mentoring, food pantry volunteering and nursing home visiting. I’m sure I missed a few others.

If you correct the situation outlined above, you might want to keep going and reduce the error rate for food that spoils before it can be eaten. Or people picking the wrong lines at grocery stores.

Pre-Washed Spinach

2011-08-27T23:09:00.000-05:00

I hope the person who first brought pre-washed spinach to market is retiring in paradise, with handmaidens and footservants a bell-ring away. It’s such a simple concept: a guy or gal wants to eat spinach, not wash it and meticulously pat it dry. Just rip the bag open and put a couple handfuls on a plate! Why did it take us thousands of years to reach this ideal food procurement state?

I wonder if your plans for Earth 2.0 include fixing problems like this right from the get-go. For instance, if shellfish are coming back, maybe you could redesign their tough exteriors to break down gradually from the moment of their passing to when meal preparation begins. Moms and Dads would have more free time to spend with their offspring, thus increasing their chances of success when they leave the nest.

“Gradual exoskeleton degradation,” as I’m calling it, also would reduce the cost of restaurant entrees like shrimp, scallops and the widely popular seafood medley because chefs would be more productive. Diners would have more money to spend making themselves or others happier. Who could argue with that?

Shellfish is just one example of how you can expand upon the pre-washed spinach concept. New consumer products that require “some assembly” could gradually assemble themselves once the box is opened. Alternatively, the various components could move into position and wiggle gently when ready for human intervention (e.g., screwdriver, wrench). In addition to saving time, it will prevent cursing and frustration that brings out the worst in humanity.

Is it just me, or do you also think my suggestion is brilliant?

Consider the Lowly Bus Driver

2011-07-14T17:41:00.000-05:00

Our planet financially rewards people who are highly talented in one way or another, such as NFL quarterbacks, movie stars, talk show hosts, neurosurgeons and presidents of huge corporations. Even factoring in specialized training and relentless dedication to their craft, their income disproportionately dwarfs those of regular people who serve a vital role in keeping the world chugging along. The gap in prestige is just as wide.

Consider the lowly bus driver. Millions of people rely on their punctuality and motor skills every day to get to work, school or wherever. Yet one of the most common phrases a student hears is: “If you don’t do your homework, you’ll end up driving a bus.” What’s wrong with that? In hot, cold or rainy weather, hopping onto a bus instantly improves one’s comfort and frame of mind. If every bus driver on the road today had “done something with their lives,” sidewalks would be overflowing with people walking for hours -- sweating, shivering and being chronically late.

Plenty of more lucrative occupations make people sad rather than happy. Lawyers and goalkeepers spring to mind. Coincidentally, they earn a great deal more than bus drivers, teachers, day care providers, nurses and other folks who are in the business of helping people.

To help rectify these disparities for Earth 2.0, I offer you two possible scenarios…

Plan A (Economic): Let’s say a singer earns $8 million a year and a policeman earns $60,000 a year. Divide the difference by 10 percent, subtract it from the diva’s salary and add it to the cop’s salary (without anyone realizing what you’re up to). The adjusted figures are now $7,206,000 and $854,000. Still a huge gap, but the public servant could live a much more comfortable life and the musician would have less of a tax burden. Win-win!

Plan B (Prestige): Keep the revenue flow the way you have it. To boost the prestige of a low-paid worker who provides a valuable service to the general public, whenever someone shakes the person’s hand or when the person applauds at a public event, their face lights up in a soft white glow and pulsates a few times to draw attention.

I'm partial to Plan A, but I'll let you decide. Or surprise me with something entirely different.

Asparagus Is My Friend

2011-06-23T23:05:00.000-05:00

You know how asparagus easily snaps in half, allowing the best tasting, most nutritional half to be quickly and cleanly separated from the dorky half? Well, why can’t more things in life be so brilliantly conceived?

I don’t know what your parallel parking plans are for Earth 2.0, but to use the asparagus analogy, one would pull up between two vehicles, wink into the rearview mirror, and the car’s wheels would rotate 90 degrees to the right, allowing the car to slip into the spot without rocking back and forth, drawing attention to the driver’s lack of dexterity.

However, if you decide this is impractical, then please insist exclusively on angle parking for the human race that you're busy redesigning. The world certainly could accommodate slightly wider streets that angle parking requires -- as long as several million people are not crammed into a single city, while leaving huge slabs of geography with more butterflies than people (e.g., Montana). I assume you’re striving for a better population density balance next time around. Duh!

Once you’ve fixed the parallel parking problem, I would encourage you to go a step further and bring the “asparagus breakage” concept to a much more important issue: Make our selection of a spouse simple and eternal. Nobody wins in a divorce, except lawyers. Come to think of it, why not discourage lawyers from defending people who they’re pretty sure are guilty? If they try to do so, one of their legs will mysteriously break in half -- as quickly and cleanly as asparagus. Eventually, word will spread throughout the legal community and guilty people will have no experts to help them beat the system.

Ants Must Be Killed

2011-06-04T19:49:00.000-05:00

Yes, I killed some ants today. But in all fairness, I did not invite them inside my well-kept house. Nor did I ask for the God-given ability to kill any species inferior to my own. I realize that from the ant point of view, this equates to genocide (or ethnic cleansing, at a minimum). Since their brains are microscopic, I’m sure they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong. That’s why I feel a little bit evil today.

To prevent lose-lose situations like these from occurring, why not give ants the same universal memory chip that tells birds when and where to migrate? Ants would use this hard-wired intelligence to realize that their entire colony could be wiped out if they invade a house, apartment, thatched hut or any other human dwelling that has a door. They would simply find somewhere else to play. The earth must seem pretty massive to an ant, so they would have seemingly endless opportunities to roam without annoying a species that has the ability not only to build houses and huts, but more importantly to destroy all lesser lifeforms.

Am I right or am I right?

Beer People Play God

2011-05-29T18:43:00.000-05:00

Billboard for Miller Lite beer spotted on a Milwaukee City street this morning: "Best Brew for Your Crew." I was outraged! How does the brain trust behind this sign know that Miller Lite is best for my crew? How do they know I even have a crew? If they mean the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team, which is sometimes called "The Brew Crew," I can see a corporate sponsorship tie-in. After all, their home games are played at Miller Park. But even then, it's an assumption conveyed as a certainty.

I hope you're as outraged as I am, for only you could accurately make a blanket statement about which beer would be best for a given crew. Unless the crew in question was polled and the results widely disseminated. This was not indicated on the billboard. Rather, it was presented as a truism. Translation: Miller Lite advertising brain trust = God. If there was an asterisk accompanied by a full justification of the claim, I missed it. I hope asterisks are more prominently displayed on Earth 2.0, by the way.

This billboard is just one more example of free will as runaway freight train. As you design the new human race, please take a closer look at allowing people to appear authoritative when they simply want us to buy something or vote for someone. So many suffer when this happens -- and not just the modestly educated. Geniuses who are in a hurry or otherwise distracted also may accept God-like statements as fact because they will place a low priority on examining the evidence. This is not fair to geniuses or imbeciles, for we are all human beings and deserve to be treated with a modicum of respect.

I don't know why trivialities like this set me off. I guess if I ignored them, I would feel complicit in the crime. It makes me want to avoid beer for the rest of my days. And crews. Perhaps even reading.

Bumper Car Violence

2011-05-24T21:39:00.000-05:00

I figured it out! I've solved the crime problem that has been plaguing humanity since the first person coveted something that wasn't his. Wait till you hear this...

People who are consumed by rage should have round-the-clock access to bumper cars. They'd be granted free admission to their municipal bumper car emporium. Once inside, they would visit a kiosk and answer a few simple questions about their rage. Presto! A dummy sitting in a bumper car would assume the likeness of someone matching the rage criteria.

For example, let's say I want to wipe Jews off the face of the earth. The dummy would have thick black curly hair, a large nose and spectacles. I would then hop in a bumper car near the Jew, press the "start" knob in my death machine and attack the Zionist enemy with full fury. After five minutes of bashing the vehicle and watching my victim helplessly gyrate, I would feel victorious. The urge to kill Jews on every continent would pass, and I might be inclined to sip a cappuccino at a cafe or head straight home to work on my memoirs.

Please consider this simple, yet breakthrough, idea before you put the finishing touches on Earth 2.0. If visiting a municipal bumper car center would not always be practical, you could drop two cars down from heaven, along with a bumper car track, a kiosk and a dummy.

If this works out, you could use the same concept to fulfill positive wishes. I could see a love-starved fella riding with a resemblance of his secret admirer in the same bumper car, going round and round until he fell asleep. Just thinking out loud.

I Happen to Like Alcohol

2011-05-14T23:55:00.000-05:00

Alcohol, which I happen to like, is one of those things that can cause big problems when not used properly. I would put machetes and religion in that same category, just off the top of my head. I wish there was a way for these items to be enjoyed by law-abiders, but not taken to their extremes by others. I hope you're taking notes, God, because this would be a nice tweak for the new world.

Here's how my idea might play out, using the three examples above:

A young man has too many fermented yeast beverages at the Earth 2.0 Pub 'n Grille, slides into his transportation device, and gets a pre-recorded celestial lecture when he tries to turn on the ignition. After the lecture, the doors lock and he must remain in the transportation device all night.
A coconut harvester comes home from work early and catches a rival male satisfying his wife in a way that he instinctively feels is wrong. With machete in hand, he lunges at his rival intent on severing his head from his torso. He suddenly develops a central nervous system breakdown, manifested by shaky hands that cause the weapon to drop. The shaking continues until rival escapes and wife buries machete in nearby school yard.
A brainwashed disciple of an elderly male know-it-all feels like killing a few dozen people who do not share his spiritual views. As he retrieves his holy spiral-bound notebook to begin sketching a plan of attack, tears stream down as if he were slicing onions without protective goggles. Every time he opens the notebook or loads his semi-automatic rifle, the tears prevent him from killing his perceived foes.

I have an entire notebook full of ideas along these lines, which I'd like to share with you. I'm free next week, except for Wednesday afternoon, Thursday afternoon and a noon conference call Friday that could drag on for over an hour. If you can work around these conflicts, go ahead and make an entry on my calendar. Otherwise, next week is wide open.

FYI, I didn't mean to imply that the coconut harvester's wife and rival male are blameless. They certainly deserve to be held accountable. Maybe their private parts burn for a year. Just enough to prove you're on top of things.

Personal Tornados

2011-04-30T21:45:00.002-05:00

Tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis (did I forget any?) often destroy entire neighborhoods. Lately, they have been erasing towns and villages from the map. I assume many of the victims are gentle souls who help others in need and enjoy nothing more than reading a good book when their work is done.

Fast forward to Earth 2.0. A twister heads straight toward a population center. Instead of demolishing everything in its path, the houses where the kind bookworms live are spared. As for the others:

(1) Major structural damage to houses occupied by people with habitually dark thoughts

(2) Complete obliteration of houses occupied by people who have manifested those dark thoughts on occasion

(3) Death to anyone in the twister's path who has killed or seriously harmed someone (physically or emotionally)

When people hear about nature's destruction, they wouldn't feel so sad and hopeless. Nay, they would welcome tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis and anything of the sort I may have overlooked. You can do it, God!

Playing With Fire

2011-04-02T15:11:00.000-05:00

With just two hands, some people have found a way to juggle three flaming sticks. Onlookers are amazed and reward the jugglers with applause because their feat seems to defy logic. I don't know what this has to do with Earth 2.0, but I bring it to your attention because it illustrates how some people:

Confront dangerous forces head on
Practice really hard to master a skill
Like to bring joy to strangers

Wait! I have an idea. Why not create an incentive system for the new human race, where these behaviors are divinely rewarded? We wouldn't have to know you're behind the rewards, as you are very keen on eternal mysteries. People who confront dangerous forces head on would never suffer serious illnesses or die young. People who practice really hard to master a skill would have less dust in their home to clean at regular intervals. People who like to bring joy to strangers would always have enough food to eat, yet maintain their desired body profile at all times.

Pretty simple, huh? I'll let you add layers upon layers of complexity to keep it interesting. You're a master at that!

17 Miles Per Hour

2011-03-24T23:54:00.001-05:00

This has been on my "Tell God" list for quite awhile, but after following a very slow driver this morning, I have to bring it to your attention. Heading south on a two-lane street in my sleepy village, I found myself slowing down to 17 miles per hour to avoid a collision with the car in front of me. The speed limit sign said 25 miles per hour. Clearly, the driver felt comfortable navigating at 32% below the speed limit. On one hand, I admired her for not driving recklessly to please fellow motorists. On the other hand, I wished the street had four lanes. But it did not. And that's where you come in.

When two people want different things at the same moment in time, but cannot both have them, why not allow one person to temporarily inhabit a parallel dimension? Let's say I chose that option this morning. My car would still be visible, but it would be grayed out (like choices in a software program that are unavailable) and my shadow would be behind the wheel. I would actually be driving above the street at my customary 32 miles per hour, invisible to those who remained in their native dimension. I could rejoin the world at any time, presumably after I passed Ms. 17.

As soon as I touched down, my grayed-out car would vaporize. I would now be driving in front of my adversary, who would no doubt be startled. But that's a good thing. Perhaps this would teach her an important life lesson: Don't drive slower than the speed limit unless you're being (1) pummeled by rain, (2) blanketed by snow, or (3) enshrouded in fog.

If this concept proves feasible on Earth 2.0, you'd be silly to confine it to traffic flow. Defenseless people would love to flip a switch and be spared an oncoming bullet, an unwanted penis, and things of that nature.

Egos & Orbits

2011-03-14T22:40:00.000-05:00

Egos have caused an enormous amount of sorrow all throughout human history. That's one of the drawbacks of free will. If you insist on free-for-all free will for Earth 2.0 (despite my persistent pleas to curtail it), could you at least alter Earth's orbit enough to change the composition of our brains so that enslaving a huge population would not occur to a person? Powerful egos would be as foreign as chewing a coffee table leg when your bladder needs relief instead of visiting the nearest rest room.

If a subtle change in the trajectory of Earth's orbit cures the ego problem -- and saves much killing, torture and seizing of land -- chances are it would change other fundamental aspects of the human race. If Earth travels faster, I imagine our faces might be elongated. If we tried to say the word, "how," it would sound like "ho." Thus, the famous Santa Claus mantra, "Ho, ho, ho" would be devoid of meaning. That's a small price to pay for not suffering under a dictator who will stop at nothing to attain and retain power.

Likewise, a slower orbit might make our fingers half the size they are now. Obviously, basketball wouldn't be quite the same. Kneecaps would disappear because the thighs and shins would be one. There goes weightlifting! New sports and leisure activities would certainly emerge. Olympic medals might be awarded for rolling down a steep hill. Who knows? I'm sure you could find a way to suppress our egos and yet make our bodies compatible with our surroundings. It might take Earth 3.0 or Earth 4.0 to get it right, but it would be well worth your effort.

I can't wait! Hurry up with that Apocalypse you've been promising. The suspense is killing me.

Fun, Fun, Fun

2011-02-12T19:24:00.000-06:00

As I look back at all the constructive criticism I’ve given you, it sure feels like I’m painting you into a corner. I just realized that if you accepted all of my suggestions, Earth 2.0 could be a very restrictive place. Sure, the world would be more civil and orderly, but people might not have the range of freedom they do today. Consequently, freedom of expression would suffer. I cannot imagine a world without The Beach Boys bringing sunshine into our lives with tunes like “Fun, Fun, Fun.”

Well, she got her daddy's car
And she cruised through the hamburger stand, now
Seems she forgot all about the library
Like she told her old man, now
And with the radio blastin' goes
Cruisin' just as fast as she can, now
And she'll have fun, fun, fun
'Til her daddy takes the T-bird away

I guess what I'm saying is don't take my ideas too seriously. If a handful strike you as reasonable and you can apply them, I'd be honored. I never envisioned sitting down with you for a weekend and dissecting them one by one. That would be great, by the way, but I understand your need for autonomy.

Leveraging Oatmeal

2011-01-20T21:59:00.000-06:00

In the new world, you should make other areas of life more like oatmeal, for it is at once warm, nutritious and satisfying. Plus, it’s easy to add other healthy items to cooked oatmeal. Among my favorites (as you know) are dried cherries, golden raisins, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, brown sugar and shredded coconut – in various combinations (as you also know).

Start with a trivial item like chairs. To use the oatmeal analogy, give the production and distribution of chairs a consistently beneficial outcome. Otherwise they will vary from sinfully luxurious chairs to hard metal folding chairs used for mass assemblages (e.g., schools, municipal facilities). The latter is so far removed from the oatmeal-like qualities that I would like to see replicated throughout Earth 2.0.

Your philosophy has been, as I understand it, to let people figure everything out for themselves. I would ask you to challenge your assumptions and consider becoming more involved in our affairs. Every good actor benefits from a good director, who provides support and offers recommendations. To improve our performance, why don’t you be the director? You kind of are in so many other areas. It really wouldn’t be a stretch.

Of course, you have to like oatmeal for my scheme to work. Some people just don’t care for it. They are probably petitioning you at this very moment to make automobile shopping more like drinking a yogurt smoothie. I have no problem with that.

Tip Jars?

2011-01-15T10:19:00.000-06:00

Hey, will there be tip jars in the future? Or will you see to it that everyone is adequately compensated for their daily labor? Example: When I buy a cup of coffee, I feel obliged to contribute to the disproportionately large tip jar (half the size of the cash register and twice the size of anything else on the counter). If I leave without enriching the staff, will they collectively curse the day I was born? Will they remember me and weaken my next cup of coffee?

I would rather the merchant add five or ten cents to the price of a cup of coffee. Take the fickle consumer out of the equation. Eliminate behind-the-back cursing and awkward face-to-face encounters. The highest life form on the planet deserves better than this. I’m not sure how you solve the tip jar problem from reoccurring on Earth 2.0, God. I will leave that in your capable hands.

Come to think of it, will there be jobs in the future? If you are serious about completely redesigning the human race after you destroy all life on earth (i.e., Apocalypse), why should people have to “earn” a living?

My Snowy Fate

2011-01-11T22:32:00.000-06:00

On my walk this morning to procure chicken legs, red wine and bathroom spray, I encountered a gentle snowfall and moderate winds. Neither of these troubled me because I was born in this climate and have returned to it willingly. Fate has assigned me to be cold a few months out of the year, which I suppose is better than being blind or paralyzed on a consistent basis.

As you lay out the framework for Earth 2.0, I hope you'll take a fresh look at bestowing major physical impediments on some people. The only justification, in my view, is that you're making them pay for being nasty in a previous life. I could live with that, as long as it was clear to everyone. But reincarnation is not widely accepted, so many of us are puzzled by these hardships.

While you're sorting that out, I would ask you not to fuss with the weather variations that currently exist on our planet. It makes us northerners anticipate spring, cherish summer and cling to autumn with our entire being. We are alive with promise and joy for much of the year. On the other hand, those who live near the equator wait patiently for a mild breeze, and when it comes they are likely to slaughter a calf and dance outdoors for a week. People all over the world are delighted when the weather changes in their favor. And they invariably thank you. That has to feel good!

Fossil Fuel Follies

2010-12-28T21:03:00.000-06:00

You must think it’s funny how everyone these days is furiously trying to replace the burning of fossil fuels with natural, renewable forms of energy. Why did we take the easy way out so many decades ago? Did we not see the mighty sun, hear the roaring wind or feel the warmth from the earth beneath our feet?

Sure, there were a couple dozen windmills and water mills in olden times, but the Industrial Revolution and invention of the automobile quickly made those irrelevant. We now think nothing of drilling several miles below the sea to extract oil and build refineries that rival the space program in their complexity. Plus, oil is filthy. I ruined a favorite sweatshirt once because I did not take adequate precautions.

Personally, I would have given humans 5-7% more intelligence. With that little boost, I’m sure we would have discovered economically viable ways of tapping into renewable energy – and avoided digging into the bowels of the earth in order to power choo-choo trains and whatnot. This would have prevented many coal mining deaths, much air pollution and at least one soiled sweatshirt.

I can hear you laughing because from your vantage point, this fossil fuel craze has all taken place in a cosmic eye-blink. A century from now, we’ll be using energy in ways we cannot envision today – and you will have experienced the equivalent of clearing your throat. In some respects, I can’t wait to die, join you in your heavenly abode, and see the big picture. I am so jealous of you!

10 Billion Interruptions a Day?

2010-12-02T23:12:00.000-06:00

Did you happen to read this item in today’s Milwaukee Journal Sentinel newspaper, God?

Authorities say Oleg Nikolaenko was the king of spam, a 23-year-old Russian controlling a network of infected computers generating 10 billion unwanted e-mails a day - a third of the global spam stream - until a Milwaukee FBI agent unplugged the operation.

The key word is “unwanted.” Each of these e-mails represent an interruption, even if they are not opened. Some people deal with interruptions better than others. In the worst case, an interruption will permanently stop two parts of a thought from being connected. The consequences could range from forgetting a friend’s birthday to solving an important equation. (“E equals… equals… M. Yes, that’s right. M what? What is E again? Oh, yes, energy. E is energy and M is mass. But how could energy equal mass? Doesn’t add up. Oh, well, time to do the laundry.”)

In situations like these, I usually suggest something for you to implement on Earth 2.0. I’m feeling generous tonight, so I’ll give you two scenarios for a person who’s responsible for interrupting people 10 billion times a day:

Scenario 1: The arm most responsible for the spam shrinks one inch per day. No divine explanation is given. The selfish person must look deep inside for an answer. When bad things happen, the tendency is to think, “What did I do to deserve this?” I’m sure the person won’t have to think for too long. When the spamming stops, the arm will mysteriously grow one inch a day until reaching its starting position.

Scenario 2: At 8:05 every night (8:00 would be too obvious), the person will lose the ability to think for an entire minute. This would puzzle others in the vicinity, who would gradually distance themselves from the person. After losing a number of friends, the person might ask, “Why am I being abandoned or, may I go so far as to say, forsaken?”

R-E-V-E-N-G-E. Such a sweet word. You should use it more often.

11-Day Cycle of Horror

2010-11-21T15:42:00.000-06:00

All throughout recorded history, people who were caught stealing paid for their crimes in one way or another. Fine. Jail sentence. Flogging. Chopping off the hand that stole the object. Depends on when and where they lived. Thieves who didn’t get caught were free to enjoy their spoils and carry on with their lives as though the crimes never occurred. This is wrong, God. Just plain wrong!

Earth 2.0 bad guys – whether or not the authorities nab them – should experience something troubling every 11 days for the rest of their life. If, however, they sincerely apologize to their victim (bended knee, preferably) and do something really nice to make up for it, the 11-day cycle of horror would end after one year. Thank you in advance for making this happen.

My Vision for the Animal Kingdom

2010-11-17T22:02:00.000-06:00

The problem with animals, as you well know, is the great harm they can inflict on people. For example, a lion in the prime of life will almost certainly tear a person to pieces unless the lion is behind bars (zoo) or hidden from view (jungle). To enjoy the beauty and wonder of lions, we must incarcerate them (zoo) or view them from a safe distance (telephone lens/helicopter). The same can be said about fish (sharks), lizards (pythons) and birds (pterodactyls). These ferocious creatures are in stark contrast to puppies, parakeets and penguins -- fun and rather harmless life forms. So, I have to ask, why the enormous range on the safety scale?

For Earth 2.0, I'd like to see less violence and less variety (do we really need 1,100 different kinds of bats?). Let animals and humans co-exist peacefully. No eating one another allowed under any circumstance! We should be able to play with animals and not fear for our lives. I’ve always wanted to stroke the velvety midsection of a Bengal tiger sprawled out on my living room rug, but I value my internal organs too much to take that chance.

If we’re allowed to safely pet any animal we like on Earth 2.0, I suppose animals should be allowed to play with humans. I, for one, wouldn’t mind one bit if a chimpanzee asked me to help it achieve better posture. In return, maybe I could learn how to climb more effectively.

Well, these are my initial thoughts. If you want more ideas as you redesign the animal kingdom for the world to replace this one, I would be honored to speak to you about it personally.

Heel-of-Foot Marketing

2010-10-30T22:05:00.000-05:00

Let's face it, God, direct marketing via phone calls or knocking on doors is a woefully inefficient use of our time down here. The success rate doesn't justify the effort and infrastructure necessary to convince a handful of people to do something or buy something they were not contemplating before the interruption.

You may wish to consider something along the following lines for Earth 2.0...

Instead of a ringing telephone or doorbell, the heel of a person's foot would tingle ever so slightly to indicate that someone is reaching out to them. A left-heel tingle denotes an offer to purchase a product or service, while a right-heel sensation signals a call to action, such as volunteering for a charitable or political cause (assuming we'll have misfortune or clash of wills in the future).

If you want the contents of the message revealed, simply lift up the heel and firmly depress it to the ground. A headline-style summary now appears in the brain. For argument's sake, let's say no more than eight words or 60 characters, including spaces and punctuation. If you're intrigued, a tap of the left or right temple (corresponding to the heel stimuli) will display the message on the nearest flat surface for viewing. It will include contact and ordering information. Simple. Quick. Effective. Would you agree?

What I haven't fully worked out is how the marketer would physically reach all of these heels. Plus, it seems like a huge invasion of privacy. Then again, you allow robberies and car alarms to disturb our personal space, so what's a little foot zing? I'd also like some parameters around when someone's heel should not be disturbed. This would cause loss of concentration in critical moments like running a marathon, playing piano at Carnegie Hall, enjoying a moment of intimacy, or finalizing a scientific theory like E=MC2. If you want to discuss any of these ideas, you know my phone number and address.

Our Dying Sun

2010-10-15T14:36:00.000-05:00

Scientists are convinced that the sun is dying. I happen to believe them because if they're smart enough to know that our planet is warmed because of the energy released when hydrogen is converted to helium on a disc 93 million miles away, well, who am I to disagree? Even though this nuclear fusion activity could last millions or billions of years before the sun runs out of fuel, it doesn’t change the fact that our planet is sliding toward extinction along with its energy daddy.

Occasionally, this gloomy fact will color my decisions. Why put money into a retirement account if the earth will be a cold, lifeless rock one day? Why treat others as I would like to be treated if we cannot change our destiny? Okay, maybe these are exaggerations, but my central thesis is still valid.

This reminds me of the phrase, “turn that frown upside down” (which would result in a smile if properly executed). So, my suggestion for Earth 2.0 is for you to trick scientists into believing that the sun will be growing for millions/billions of years. This will make day-to-day existence cheerier for those of us who care deeply about long-term issues of life and death. I’d be more inclined to help a feeble individual cross the street if our planet had an optimistic future.

Rethink House Pets

2010-10-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

If you allow humans of the future to transform dog-like and cat-like species into house pets, ask yourself whether it's necessary for them to cause allergic reactions in a large percentage of people. In other words, could a world without pet dander sustain life as we know it? Or does shedding fur deep into carpets play a key role in cosmic unification? People ask me these questions all the time, and I have no answer.

Gosh, this sounds so negative! Please accept my apologies. I know you can solve the house pet allergy problem if you put your mind to it -- the same mind that gave these critters hearts, lungs, soft ears, and tails that signal their innermost feelings.

Good Shirts / Bad Shirts

2010-10-02T20:13:00.000-05:00

I wonder what life would be like without people wearing tee shirts that express their innermost feelings. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to seeing a girl wearing a shirt that says, "Cup Cakes Make Me Smile." How else would I know what makes her smile? She's saving me and everyone else who sees her a lot of detective work. However, the next day we might find her in a "Hot Girls Drink Free" tee shirt, and some of us might think she's arrogant.

This is a classic Good vs. Evil scenario that you permit because you prefer not to interfere with human decision-making. I'm not going to change your mind with a tee shirt argument, so let me simply request that on Earth 2.0, people who wear happy tee shirts are entitled to have a happy day. Those who wear arrogant tee shirts will have an inexplicable stomach ache that lasts from 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. local time. Or maybe hiccups all throughout a job interview. The details are not as important to me as making this a universal law. You could make it a law we have to discover for ourselves, like gravity. I know you like mysteries!

Very Vermont

2010-09-28T22:24:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been to Vermont in late September, God? It's one thing to create amazing panoramas of colorful trees, but you should go undercover and experience it as we do. If you did, I bet you would make more of Earth look and feel like New England in fall foliage season. You might also want to transport the overwhelming sense of peace, comfort and tranquility that nature can provide to more areas of the world.

Next time, shoot for more Vermont in autumn and less Mexico City or Mumbai in summer. Would you agree that many cities are overcrowded and teeming with slums, crime, hopelessness, etc? I realize that we're responsible for the messes we create. But I wish you would do more to discourage us from making choices that lead to dreadful conditions like these. I know you're going to play the "free will" card here. But we didn't ask for free will. Most of us don't even deserve it, quite frankly. Let us earn free will, like we earn everything else in life.

Meanwhile, you will have evenly distributed scenic wonders so that no one has to travel more than an hour to be awed by nature. I'm not sure these two thoughts are in any way connected, but I wanted to plant them in your ear while my trip to Vermont is still fresh in my mind. Whatever you decide to do, have a little fun with it!

Outside the Seasonal Box

2010-09-16T21:13:00.000-05:00

I saw many Christmas items at a department store today -- 99 days before Christmas. That's a full 27% of the calendar year. I hope Earth 2.0 retailers grasp the true meaning of "season" before displaying their seasonal offerings. To whatever extent you want to get involved in this quandary, I would welcome it.

Maybe a risk-and-reward system is in order. If retailers stretch a universally recognized season such as Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's Day or Cinco de Mayo to unreasonable lengths, give everyone involved in the decision flu-like symptoms for a weekend. Gradually, they will learn to think outside the seasonal box. Consumers would have one less thing to complain about and, therefore, would be happier as these momentous holidays come and go. Happier people are more inclined to spread their joy and help others.

When I see Christmas stockings for sale 99 days before the Big Day, I am more inclined to punch a stranger than to ask if there's anything at all I could do to improve his current mood or his station in life. Maybe I'm exaggerating. I'd probably just step on his toes moderately hard. Punching could invite legal action, and that certainly wouldn't be in the spirit of the Christmas season.

You Cannot Hide Forever

2010-09-11T10:55:00.000-05:00

If I were to create the human race from scratch, one of my top priorities would be to minimize crime. There are many laws to make crime unappealing and many policepeople to apprehend criminals, yet crime continues to thrive. I have an idea that might be more effective.

Everyone who commits a crime would have to reveal it at some point in their life. Since you created these criminals, God, you get to decide when, where and how these ugly actions would rise to the surface. With a mere twinkle of your celestial nose, the truth would flow forth. For example...

Scenario #1: A person who stole a young woman's bike tire one evening while she was working at a department store would mention it during a job interview several years later. The interviewer, of course, would be that woman.

Scenario #2: A fifth-grader steals a pack of baseball cards at a convenience store and thinks he can take this secret to the grave. However, he coughs up the information on the U.S. Senate campaign trail and is forced to withdraw his candidacy.

This would work best if everybody knew that one day their crimes would be unveiled at the worst possible time in their life. Well, this has certainly been fun. I sure hope you're remembering all of my great ideas.

Fast-Acting Medication

2010-09-06T12:40:00.000-05:00

I simply must tell you about two television commercials I saw the other night, just minutes apart. In both cases, the actors felt miserable, swallowed a pill, then were cured in the blink of an eye. As a matter of fact, they were downright giddy. I thought to myself, "If it's so easy to change one's mood with a pill, how hard could it be to design a planet where the inhabitants never feel miserable in the first place?"

So let me ask you point blank: Are you going to allow people to: (1) suffer, (2) encounter bad luck, or (3) be inconvenienced from time to time? Going a step further, will plagues, ice ages and other widespread calamities be part of your plans for Earth 2.0? Unless they serve some purpose only you can fathom, I would vote for making life essentially one big fiesta. If we find that feeling too happy doesn't seem right, I'm sure we'll invent a pill to make us feel miserable for awhile.

The Mosquito Race

2010-08-31T22:58:00.000-05:00

I haven't mentioned the mosquito problem until now because I assumed it was so obvious that you'll certainly fix it for Earth 2.0. I can't wait any longer. As I try to write this, itchy ankles compete for my attention and invariably win. Thus, my writing is taking twice as long as it would had the mosquito race found a better way to socialize with the human race.

Think of all the time we spend applying mosquito repellent, swatting the pests, scratching their bites, and talking trash about them to anyone who'll listen -- time that could be better spent honoring you, worshiping you and singing your praises. I imagine some people even use the mosquito issue to question if you're a kind God, or even if you exist. Why take a colossal risk like that? To weed out the spiritual weaklings? Maybe you know something I don't know. One thing I do know is that I see a dead mosquito floating in my wine glass. I suppose the red liquid looked like blood.

Okay, I'll come to the point. If you insist on keeping the mosquito race, give them the same qualities as the fly race. Let 'em buzz about and annoy us, but don't give them a compelling reason to suck human blood. However, if blood-sucking mosquitoes are a non-negotiable, then make it clear that they will not attack vegetarians or people who volunteer at animal shelters. We'd all feel better if we knew we had some control over life's irritations.

15% Too Intelligent

2010-08-25T22:29:00.001-05:00

Driving from Boston to North Carolina on I-95 recently, I passed through some very large cities. I was mesmerized by high-rise apartment complexes in New York City that seemingly had no end, and the constant drone of cars and trucks whizzing to their destinations for hundreds of miles. After two days of driving, I was fortunate enough to spend a day in the country. Among the few signs of life were two dogs playfully chasing each other in a back yard that sloped toward a lake. They seemed perfectly happy with their simple lifestyle, which got me wondering how the most intelligent species on the planet could have made life so complex -- and, in some cases, so miserable.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps we're too intelligent for our own good. I'm guessing 15% too intelligent. If you made the human brain 15% smaller on Earth 2.0, we might be 15% less likely to make a mess of things. We'd also probably be 15% less greedy, 15% less jealous, and 15% less tempted to cause trouble for ourselves or others. I'll let you weigh these benefits against the drawbacks of being 15% less human.

Wait a minute! It might all come down to the fact that we procreate 15% more than we should. If it's easier for you, simply make men and women 15% less attractive in the new world. Give the women mustaches and the men one eyebrow. At the very least, that ought to cut down on congestion along the I-95 corridor.

Betrayed By Hunk of Metal

2010-08-06T21:48:00.001-05:00

I've been reflecting quite a bit about last week's crash of my computer's hard drive. For the first two days, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body. Well, I was clearly out of my comfort zone, anyway. As a writer by profession, I felt personally betrayed by my dead hard drive -- the keeper and organizer of digital information that helped me perform so many activities of daily living.

On the third day, I opened up my computer and saw the hunk of metal that had turned my world upside down. I had to laugh. Why had I become so dependent on something only a few inches wide by a few inches tall and probably only an inch thick? Because I allowed it to. I thought the thing was smarter than it actually was. A smart person seeks help when in trouble. I cannot honestly say that my hard drive reached out for assistance. It simply didn't work anymore, and didn't say it was sorry. My disorientation and frustration was never acknowledged by the 500-gigabyte Samsung HD501LJ. Not once!

Hey, God, we need help down here. Why bother creating highly advanced organisms if you allow them to be so dependent on a factory-installed hunk of metal? A cuddly bear as a toddler, I can understand, but grownups should know better. Next time, don't allow us to stray so far from the Garden of Eden, where everything was colorful and peaceful. Put a fence around it. Invisible, of course, so we don't know we're imprisoned. That would make a mere hard drive cash seem like heaven.

Dreaming on Demand

2010-07-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

Last night, I dreamed that I was 82 years old and had huge bald spots on the left and right rear sides of my head. My 89-year-old friend and I camped out all night in a city park, along with many others, so we could see John Lennon film a movie scene across the street two days later. In the morning, we decided to go home and forget about the Beatle sighting. We didn't want to waste another day just to catch a fleeting glimpse of our hero.

As I write this, I feel my decision in the dream was the correct one. But my age and scalp were incorrect. I am only 56 years old and my hair still covers my entire head, thinning though it may be on top. Why can't we dream whatever we want to dream? Imagine how much more relaxed and happy people would be, knowing that when they turn out the light and rest on their pillow, they will be transported to a world of their choosing.

I would be swimming in Hawaii most nights. Occasionally, I'd check in on John, Paul, George and Ringo in their prime. In my bachelor days, I would have dated peers, movie stars and many fine ladies in between. For Earth 2.0, I would seriously consider empowering people to dream on demand every night. Who knows? The crime rate might plummet if everyone could temporarily forget their troubles and live the good life. True, when they woke up and realized nothing really changed, they might explode with rage. I think it's worth the risk. Do you?

Of Turtles

2010-07-23T19:43:00.000-05:00

Saw a turtle the other day. Had to smile, despite my jealousy. Wish I could roll my head into my body cavity and temporarily hide from people and events that frighten me. Wonder why you only gave turtles this gift. Surely, millions of Chinese could have used it during Mao's insane period. I could share other examples with you at the appropriate hour.

Not sure if I'm complaining or dreaming here. Lately, they often seem the same to me.

Water: Your Masterstroke

2010-07-21T12:32:00.000-05:00

I am continually impressed with water, in all of its forms and uses. How the heck did you think of having water form in clouds high above the earth's surface and then rain down upon it? This is pure genius (in case you take your powers for granted).

Over the last few days, I found myself swimming in a huge body of water called the Caribbean Sea. What a joy to dip below the surface, pop back up, swim in any direction I choose, float on my back, and start the cycle all over again. At lunch one day, I appreciated water in its frozen state as an integral component of a pina colada. I don't use the gaseous form of water very often, but it's there if I ever need it. That's comforting.

Oh, I forgot the most important thing about water! We need it to survive. And it falls to earth at no cost to anyone. Brilliant!

FYI, when I meet you someday, I want to ask you about my mother-in-law slipping on outdoor steps after a rain shower, dislocating her shoulder and shattering her humerus bone into five pieces. I'm puzzled why there has to be a downside to the above-referenced masterstroke.

Freedom Reset Button

2010-07-04T11:49:00.001-05:00

Today is my nation's birthday. Most Americans are reveling in freedom, whether they're watching a parade, chomping on watermelon at a family picnic, or looking forward to tomorrow's day off of work. The joy of living in a country where people have freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of press, freedom to assemble, and freedom to petition the government for a redress of grievances (First Amendment, G. Washington, et al, 1791) is tempered by realizing that a billion or so people must behave according to the whims of their leaders.

For Earth 2.0, why not press a reset button whenever a group of people in a particular geographic area have lost the freedoms they were born with? I'll leave the details to you, but I see it like this: As soon as you press the button, every inhabitant in that nation becomes lightheaded or unusually cheerful. This should probably come on gradually, say over a two-day period, allowing them to complete surgeries, finish ballgames, and drive home safely from birthday parties, etc.

After the two-day transition, the lightheaded/unusually cheerful condition persists for a week or two -- while you and several angels restructure all levels of government. When the population returns to normal, they'll have a new constitution, fewer prisoners, and their leaders will no longer be wearing military tunics with ten pounds of medals dragging them toward hell.

Bad Weather at Night

2010-06-27T17:36:00.000-05:00

Last night's colossal rain storm was a textbook example of how nasty weather and human activities can peacefully co-exist. Way to go! In the next world, I would ask you to save all storms for the dead of night, when the vast majority of people are snuggled in their beds sleeping. When they wake up, they can go about their business with a broad smile, knowing that once again nature has supplied the necessary moisture to sustain life at all levels.

Of course, this may have a negative impact on nocturnal animals, who like to play and hunt for food when humans are snoring. Or maybe it doesn't make a difference. I suppose I should have looked into that before writing to you. Either way, I'm certain you can come up with a solution that makes all creatures happy. How about a two-hour window after sundown and before the severe weather begins? Sort of like a "last call" at the bar.

Color-Coded Noses

2010-06-19T15:03:00.001-05:00

What if one's nose color reflected how good or bad a person is, deep down inside? Ever think of that, God? This might be more effective in promoting model behavior than anything that currently exists. Let's face it, you can commit the most heinous crime and no one would know how evil you are unless you got caught. In my new scheme, that person's nose would turn purple the moment he commits the crime.

I humbly propose the following nasal colors for Earth 2.0:

Average behavior and thoughts - white nose
More good deeds and kinder thoughts than expected - pink nose
Mother Theresa or Gandhi type - yellow nose with powder blue stars, clouds or halos
Basically good-hearted, but a bit opportunistic - orange nose
Always looking out for your best interests - forest green nose
Few redeeming qualities - navy blue nose that frequently itches
No redeeming qualities - purple nose that constantly drips

Obviously, we would lose the merriment of clowns with big red noses. But if you decided that clowns were merely a distraction to the human race, nobody would miss their noses.

Why Is It So Hard?

2010-06-07T22:04:00.001-05:00

Swans mate for life. So do wolves and French angelfish. Even termites, I'm told. If birds, fish and animals can hook up so easily, why do humans have such a hard time? Are we more picky because we have so many different ways to call attention to ourselves? When choosing a mate, lower life forms do not have to consider one's choice of clothing, hairstyle, cultural preferences, command of table manners, parental lineage or career prospects. They just get right down to business.

Swans may say nothing more than, "Honk when you're ready to mate for life." A typical male wolf probably says, "It's awfully lonely terrorizing an entire countryside. Let's do this together." I'm sure French angelfish do not spend two years dating before asking mom, "Do you think he's right for me?" And I'd be shocked if a termite ever spurns a suitor. She'd have to stop destroying a porch, and what excuse could she possibly give? "You're disgusting! I wouldn't lay your eggs if you wore a straw hat and bow tie."

Do everything in your power to prevent humans of the future from having such complicated and often painful experiences in choosing a mate. Some people actually turn to violence when they cannot successfully mate. Where's the fun in that? There must be a middle ground between simply honking your intentions and spending three hours in front of a mirror before a first date.

Uno Language (s'il vous plait)

2010-06-01T23:47:00.000-05:00

As you know, my daughter is in Germany right now visiting a friend. I'm sure she will have difficulty expressing herself on occasion, since she does not speak German. (Why say "neunzig neun luftballons" when you really mean "ninety nine red balloons?")

I wonder if animals face a similar problem when they travel great distances. Would "Grrrr, rufff, rufff, rufff" yelped by a Ukrainian dog visiting Portugal be interpreted as "Grrrr, howwwl, howwwl, howwwl?" You could say that's half the fun of traveling, but not if your tail was snapped in half as a result.

In the new world that you're designing, consider having one common language for all living creatures. This would not only prevent many national or ethnic skirmishes, but people would know what their dog wants at three in the morning. It's hard to ask inter-species questions at that hour, when you know they'll be answered by the same blank stare you'd get at three in the afternoon.

Impeded by Inhibitions

2010-05-26T20:15:00.000-05:00

I was enjoying a nice, uneventful walk with my pet today, when she felt the urge to relieve her bowels. This is the high point of Emma's daily excursion and the low point for me, but I understand that it's necessary. She squatted down just a few inches from a street that runs past a popular shopping mall, and proceeded to crap completely uninhibited. She was naked, mind you, except for a collar that allows me to attach a leash, which in turn allows me to walk her in public.

Humans would be too embarrassed to do what dogs have no problem doing. This is just one of the many inhibitions we've built for ourselves. Cumulatively, they're like prison walls -- and I believe they diminish our overall happiness. Am I suggesting that naked people on Earth 2.0 make poopie wherever they want?I don't know if I'm suggesting that or not. It seems gross, but if it breaks down other inhibitions (like telling your parents that their child-raising merits no higher than a C-plus, or a young lady daring to leave the house without applying lipstick/makeup), then it may be worth it.

Joe Fumo's Advice to God: Wire future humans to spend more time improving life on the planet and less time behaving appropriately. Males already have a head start, so it shouldn't be a huge learning curve.

Wine Tames Pizza

2010-05-19T21:14:00.006-05:00

Apparently, a universal law of nature dictates that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I've never tested this myself, but will rely on the word of the scientific community. They have rarely disappointed me. Anyway, I'd like the caloric impact of cheese, mushrooms, onions and tomato sauce (think pizza) to be canceled by drinking a glass of wine with the meal. I wouldn't expect the dough to be canceled; after all, we need some accountability.

Assuming you could make this work for Earth 2.0, what's to stop you from duplicating it with cheese cake and coffee, ice cream and mineral water, or (don't laugh) earning the right to temporarily escape the pull of gravity every time you place the needs of others before your own? I'm not suggesting the latter in order to mock your universal laws, but simply to allow people to reach their destination faster if they're pressed for time. Or -- I just thought of this! -- to give wheelchair-confined people a more impressive mode of travel. Kind of make up for the inequity.

Man Lied, Then Died

2010-05-14T23:53:00.000-05:00

What is this world coming to? Yes, I'm referring to a news article about a 27-year-old Milwaukee man who got a verbal okay from a 26-year-old prostitute to "perform a sex act" (whatever that means) for $20. The prostitute was a man dressed as a lady. When this was revealed to the sex-starved male, he shot and killed the impostor.

People should not have such incredible sex drives that they resort to prowling the streets for action. I realize that a sex drive is necessary to propagate the species, but must it be so strong that we risk our lives for a moment of bliss? If a species behaves like this, is it worth propagating? These are tough questions for you to ponder in the Earth 2.0 redesign project.

A simple solution would be for those who don't have ready access to performing a sex act with another person to obtain a similar sensation themselves. I understand that this is possible today, but obviously it's not 100% effective. Let me suggest this: a person pulls their ear lobes really hard while rolling their eyes in a circle and hissing like a snake. Five seconds later, the person will be so happy that he won't feel compelled to drive to 27th and North looking for a companion. If he wants to propagate some other time, fine. If not, that's okay, too. Wanna give it a try?

Choose Your Weather

2010-05-12T23:11:00.001-05:00

I do not like rain. Never have, never will. I would gladly trade rain for snow or even a cold spell if I had to endure inclement weather as a condition of living on this planet. That seems to be the rule. Some people don't mind the rain. Or frightfully hot weather. Why can't we all have the bad weather we choose on the designated "inclement weather" days?

Here's how it might work...

My wife and I are walking to a bank to deposit a check. I'm wearing a hat, scarf, winter coat, gloves and boots, while my wife is in shorts, a tee shirt, flip-flops, sunglasses and a wide-brimmed straw hat. I'm shivering and my wife is dripping in sweat. However, we're able to carry on a conversation just as if we were both experiencing the same ambient conditions. When we get to the bank, this is where my scheme breaks down completely. Assuming the bank's temperature is a constant, comfortable temperature, we would probably both be miserable -- me over-dressed and she under-dressed. I'm not sure how practical it would be to continue the separate temperature zones inside the bank (or a stadium or a bustling market). Maybe you could take it from here.

If you let us choose our bad weather on Earth 2.0, why not take this a step further and allow us to choose our disappointments or failures? I have a notebook full of ideas I could share with you at the appropriate time and place.

Blues Rules

2010-04-30T22:53:00.000-05:00

I probably should take this up with the Federal Communications Commission, but thought I'd try you first. Maybe some of my frustration can be addressed in the new world you're designing.

As you know, I've loved blues music from the very first note I heard. It irks me when people who obviously have not lived the blues try to play the blues. I usually change the station or walk out of the room. But I heard something in the car a few days ago that I'm hoping is not repeated on Earth 2.0. A young lady from a large geographic, but sparsely populated, state attempted to entertain me on a dedicated radio blues station. I forced myself to listen to the entire song so that my rage would make this a more compelling appeal.

I would very much appreciate if you crafted some firm rules on who can and cannot sing the blues in the next rev. For example, you cannot run for President of the United States unless you are at least 35 years old. Why not require future blues singers to have earned the right to sing the blues? The more clear-cut you are, the better for everyone. Let me suggest that a blues artist truthfully must be able to say:

I have lived for at least 10 years at or below the poverty level,
I have been passed up three or more consecutive times for jobs I was well qualified for, and
I face racial, ethnic, religious, sexual or other major forms of oppression on a daily basis

Don't make the blues rules so lengthy that only a handful of people meet the criteria. But don't allow people who have lived a fairly pleasant, trouble-free life to strap on a guitar, tap the microphone, and rip into a sad tale of first-person woe. That's just plain wrong. Besides, we need people like that to enjoy the blues, imagining what it must be like to live at or below the poverty level, etc.

No Names Until Age 7

2010-04-24T22:47:00.001-05:00

The human birth process can be quite excruciating. Pregnant women shriek in pain, demanding epidurals to stop them from going bonkers and wanting to escape earth's orbit. Hours and hours and hours go by, and still no baby! Nurses continually monitor vital signs, fathers regret the moment of conception, and grandparents stare blankly at corded telephones that refuse to ring.

When the little guy finally wins the battle of the flesh and greets the new world, he is bathed with love and attention. Everything is idyllic for awhile -- until he comes to despise his name. "Mom, I think Shaffer Chimere Smith is a horrible name," rap star Ne-Yo might have said on more than one occasion. Or, in an earlier era, the advice columnist we know as Ann Landers probably wondered, "What possessed you to name me Esther Pauline Friedman? Didn't you know I would change it as soon as I could?"

To avoid traumatic situations like this on Earth 2.0, make it a rule that children cannot have names before age seven -- the so-called "age of reason." Give them numbers or alphabetical letters until they're able to sit down with their parents and, as a team, select the perfect name. Rejecting a name is to reject the wisdom of your parents. This could be very hurtful to a mother, considering what she went through during labor. Why should she feel the sting of disappointment from a child, whether it's Jay-Z or Marilyn Monroe or Sun Ra or even Buddy Hackett?

Follow Me, Nature

2010-04-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

I've been walking around this planet for 50-odd years now, mindlessly enjoying tree-lined streets, tidy lawns, colorful yard plantings and the occasional bush. I always took it for granted that when people settled into neighborhoods, they brought with them the greatest hits from forests, meadows, etc. It's like they wanted nature to be within reach at all times so they didn't have to go to nature.

It just occurred to me that maybe we're being punished for moving nature to suit our desires. Seems rather selfish. Personally, I think you're annoyed that we're planting seeds wherever the heck we want -- as if your system wasn't good enough. Could this be why "bad things happen to good people?" If my assumption is correct, we will obviously need more guidance from above next time around. For Earth 2.0, could you please make your intentions clear right from the start? Otherwise, we'll just wing it and get into all sorts of trouble.

Or, quite possibly, I have this all wrong. If that's the case, I wish you would have told me before I made a fool of myself in front of the five people who will probably read this.

Marital Black Box

2010-03-31T18:09:00.000-05:00

Arguments. They can pull people apart. Sow seeds of mistrust. Spark insults. Prompt pushing and/or punching. Maybe even trigger the sudden purchase of small firearms. Why not alleviate the agony of arguments by taking the airline industry's "black box" concept to a new level? For Earth 2.0, embed a recording device in our circuitry that allows us to settle arguments by playing back the conversation.

Obviously, every argument between two people should not be resolved by machine. I would start off modestly, until you see if my idea is practical. On the last day of every year, a husband and wife could challenge a decision the other had made during the year by summoning the Marital Black Box. The device would rule definitively on statements such as:

"You told me I could destroy the pictures from your first wedding."
"You promised to use a nail clipper and stop trimming your fingernails with your teeth."
"What do you mean, the flower shop is completely sold out?"
"I definitely did not agree to polka dot curtains."

If this works, children could hold their parents accountable and politicians could prove they were misquoted. Better yet, prosecutors could take the guesswork out of jury decisions. The world would be a safer, happier and less random place. Doesn't that just give you goose bumps?

An Extra Eye, Please

2010-03-29T22:05:00.001-05:00

How about giving humans three eyes next time? Two would be for frontal and peripheral vision, as we have now. The other would be able to see five years into the future. Not every detail, but enough to know whether the person you're engaged to will make whoopee with your best friend, or embark on a five-state robbery spree that prompts your mother to say, "I told you there was something about Yves I didn't like."

A five-year peek into the future also would foretell if the person making you a job offer will turn your life into a living inferno, or if the puppy you want to adopt will never master the art of house training. A third eye could prevent a world of disappointment down here in the trenches. It could be tiny, and would not even require eyebrows. Should be a piece of cake for you!

Banana Color Spectrum

2010-03-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

I have always lived in the Northern Hemisphere, far from the banana-growing tropics. More often than not, bananas at grocery stores in my hemisphere are all the same hue. Bright green seems to be the norm. When I bring them home, the interminable waiting begins. Why am I complaining to you about a human supply chain issue? Two reasons...

First of all, I wonder if you're planning to continue the perishable food concept for Earth 2.0. Perishable food is mighty tasty, but let's be honest, much of it goes uneaten because the right number of people in the right geographic region cannot always access perishable food before it turns funky. Human desire and nature's expiration date are not in sync, apparently.

The second reason, and in a sense the larger issue, is that technology sometimes backfires. We didn't have the banana color spectrum problem hundreds of years ago, before airplanes, cargo ships and trucks hauled them from hemisphere to hemisphere. People are giddy about inventing stuff and finding useful purposes for it, but inventions also can be frustrating. Especially if you have a hankering for a ripe banana. Maybe you could find a way for human ingenuity to produce only happy outcomes for all. Food for thought, anyway.

Mud-Free Existence?

2010-03-09T14:17:00.000-06:00

A world without mud would be far more enjoyable than the current one, in my opinion. There must be a way to separate rain from dirt. There must! After all, you've separated the sea from the mountains, and the downtrodden from prosperity. Why not confine rain to bodies of water and foliage, which can fully absorb moisture?

In a mud-free existence, one would not have to wipe it off one's shoes or one's dog before entering one's home. This would translate directly into more free time to worship you, honor you, obey you, etc. -- each in our own way. We could spend more time helping the downtrodden, for starters. And the downtrodden could think of more effective ways to improve their situation. There are lots of good things we can do instead of removing mud from our lives. Might you give this some consideration for the new, improved world to come?

Televised Farming

2010-02-27T12:44:00.000-06:00

While watching the Canada-USA Olympic Gold Medal women's hockey match the other night, I marveled at the fast-paced action and phenomenal athletic skills on display. I wondered why far more vital activities cannot be as thrilling, such as farming or processing adoption paperwork. Well, maybe not adoption paperwork, but certainly farming.

Imagine two brothers vying for the right to replace dad as King of the Fields. They have exactly one hour to plant pinto bean seeds on a 20-acre spread. This would be televised, of course, to a bluegrass soundtrack. I might suggest Flatt & Scruggs, since they're a duo like the brothers. For solo farming feats like speed carrot harvesting, Bill Monroe would be the obvious choice. I'll stop before I get carried away with silliness (e.g., tag-team wheat threshing, rhubarb jousting).

Here's the point I'm trying to make: If activities that are essential to our very existence could be as much fun to watch and participate in as sports, music or other diversions, more people would be drawn to them. If properly marketed, a Volunteer Olympics could have much wider appeal than young women chasing a puck with L-shaped sticks. This is powerful stuff, God. Put it in the hopper for your redesign of the human race.

Commandments 2.0

2010-02-24T21:58:00.001-06:00

According to an ancient report, you gave a guy named Moses two huge stone tablets a few millennia ago called "The Ten Commandments." Most of them are excellent. Two are iffy. And, frankly, I think you missed a few. Let me give you my analysis of the tablets, which you can factor into your overhaul of the human race. (I assume they will need some general guidance.)

The first few commandments are basically about you. I can't comment on those because I don't know if you plan to tell people there is a higher power. Obviously, the results have been mixed in our world. Here's my take on the other commandments, for what it's worth...

Honor your father and mother -- If they're nice to you and others, I'm all for honoring them. However, if dad is a dictator who oppresses his countrymen and mom pisses on your cornflakes, you owe them nothing.

Don't murder or steal -- You nailed it!

Don't commit adultery -- See "Honor your father and mother."

Neighbors: Don't bear false witness against them, and don't covet the wife or anything that belongs to them -- False witness is fine, but a little coveting isn't the end of the world. Especially if she's a knockout and they have an Olympic-sized swimming pool.

I wish you had chiseled some of these into the tablets you handed to Moses:

Don't tease people because they're not as handsome, skinny or talented as you are
Help those who are struggling financially, emotionally or in other ways
Don't drive when you're drunk or higher than a kite
If you live with other people, put your stuff away when you're done with it
Be careful of buying things you want, but do not need

Thanks for listening, God. I hope you'll consider some of my suggestions when you unveil Commandments 2.0.

Neurons / Celebrities

2010-02-12T22:23:00.000-06:00

When you sit down to map the circuitry of the human brain for Earth 2.0, consider vastly increasing the number of neurons necessary for people to worship celebrities. Make it really hard for us to care about a celebrity's social life. We may see a photograph of the celebrity with his/her wife/husband on occasion, but insist on clenched fists, furrowed brows and intense grimaces (all three) in order for us to ponder their relationship -- or even to mention the photograph to others.

Do you recall creating a male name Brad Pitt? Sure, he's cute, a fine actor, and he performs many good deeds. I'm pro-Brad. But a whole sea of humanity has been fixated on his every movement for almost two decades. This is also true for many lesser celebrities, who have risen to fame with just a few hit songs or a mildly popular television show. Can they compare to true superstars of a bygone era? Bob Hope traveled relentlessly around the world bringing laughter to soldiers who risked their lives to stop evil regimes from enslaving millions of people. What have Madonna and Paris Hilton done other than seeking fame and making sure they remain in our consciousness?

So, think about my neuron suggestion -- unless you want postage stamps of the future dominated by the world's sexiest men and women. Because that's what we'll do if you give us the chance.

"Professional" Wrestling

2010-02-06T17:07:00.000-06:00

Recently, I watched a few minutes of "professional" wrestling on TV. I swear a big guy in red shorts helped his "opponent" hoist him in the air, only to crash violently on his back a moment later. This finally confirmed what I had long suspected, that the participants merely act out well-rehearsed scripts whose outcomes are predetermined. Why else would a "fighter" allow himself to "suffer" something that would trigger a health insurance deductible for 99% of the viewers? And that's not all. Every time I watch wrestling, I notice an uncanny percentage of two-counts -- offering a temporary reprieve from what looks like certain "defeat."

What I like about the "sport" is that nobody involved says whether a match is fixed or if each dude seriously wants to win. It's up to the audience to discern the truth. I feel that way about you. Many people say you're the real thing, while others are skeptical of your existence. Each one of us must decide if you, in fact, created the universe and rule over us. Assuming you do, then I'm fairly certain that you're using "professional" wrestling as a metaphor. I have no problem if you want to keep some things a mystery next time around. Makes me feel special knowing that I have answers, while others still have questions.

Feedback Frenzy

2010-01-30T21:40:00.001-06:00

As you know, I brought my 2008 Honda Civic Hybrid into the dealership yesterday for a 15,000-mile service appointment. I arrived at 8:12 a.m. and picked it up at 1:32 p.m. It was ready at 10:35 a.m., but I couldn't get there until 2 hours and 57 minutes later. Today, I was contacted twice to complete a survey about my service experience: (1) 9:33 a.m. e-mail with a link to an online survey, and (2) 11:05 a.m. phone call by a female machine. I hung up. Wanna know why? I'll tell you anyway: because rotating tires, replacing oil and testing a battery are not the most important things in life. At least not in my life. I felt hounded, pestered, badgered and hunted down like a fugitive from the law.

Oh, I dream of living in Earth 2.0! I'm sure there will be unpleasantness, maybe even wickedness. But I certainly hope future people can complete simple transactions without being peppered for feedback via two different communication mediums a mere 1 hour and 32 minutes apart. Please give this serious consideration because it is distracting us from performing deeds that will gain us entry into heaven. Don't you want us to be there with you -- instead of with Lucifer in his hellish inferno?

Crumbling Infrastructure

2010-01-26T21:14:00.000-06:00

If my front porch wasn't crumbling before my eyes, I wouldn't have to repair it. I would have more money to help people who lose their homes in natural disasters -- like the earthquake that devastated Haiti a few weeks ago and claimed 200,000 lives. Sure, I could send money to a relief agency. But what about the next massive upheaval in another part of the world? And the one after that? If I came to everyone's rescue except me and my porch, it would lower the value of my house when I decided to sell it. This would be bad news for future earthquake, tornado, hurricane, typhoon and tsunami victims.

For Earth 2.0, maybe you could fix it so people wouldn't have to make agonizing decisions like these. Have a team of geniuses create an information clearinghouse of everyone's income and expenses (password-protected, obviously). For example, I would enter my financial data into the clearinghouse, select "I want to help others," and then be assigned a reasonable sum to pay toward resolving all current global crises -- while leaving me enough to cover my personal expenses. Everybody wins!

You could monitor this for a couple centuries, and then tweak if necessary. What do you think? Am I crazy?

Your Foot Soldiers

2010-01-18T20:24:00.001-06:00

This morning, two foot soldiers for the Lord (Jehovah's Witnesses) approached my domicile (four-bedroom bungalow) in order to engage me in conversation about spiritual issues involving you (God) and your son (Jesus). Though my dog (Emma) barked at the impeccably dressed duo, I did not move from where I stood (kitchen) until they walked south to the next house (neighbors).

With all due respect, home intrusion is not the best way to spread the "good news." In theory, we should already know how great you are. Many of us do, I'll grant you that, but many others place their ego first or else dismiss you as a jerk for allowing evil into the world. For Earth 2.0, how about not having Jehovah's Witnesses walk door-to-door delivering pamphlets that encourage us to surrender to your will? Instead, implant an invisible microchip in our brains that can read these pamphlets before they're delivered.

Academic Grades

2010-01-17T21:12:00.001-06:00

I'm sure you're aware of all the anxiety caused by educational systems that assign letter grades for class performance. The aspirations of many talented people are jettisoned when they do not achieve the minimum grade point average that society requires for advancing to the next plane of existence. However, once people join the workforce, performance is not measured via the familiar A, B, C, D and F grades (we'll talk about E in a minute). That's quite a disconnect.

Consider programming the new human race to make the educational experience less restrictive and more enjoyable. Allow kids to learn what they want to learn and get on with their lives. If that's not practical, how about a compromise? Students would receive a phrase that mirrors their performance in a given subject, and they could decide if they're satisfied or if they want to improve.

For example...
All things are possible if you do not stray from this path
Better than most of your peers!
Complacency is not a very good quality, if you think about it
Danger is right around the corner, young man/lady
Ever think about applying yourself instead of goofing around so much?

The First Bird's Nest

2010-01-09T18:46:00.001-06:00

We know why birds build nests. We also know how, where and when. But we'll never know the origin of nest-building. History is silent on the avian pioneer that first thought, "This lack of protection is killing the little ones. I've had enough, gosh darn it all!"

Mysteries like this keep us from feeling too confident in our intellectual capacity. Some knowledge will always be out of reach. This promotes inquisitiveness, which in turn spurs inventions that make life on earth more comfortable and enjoyable. If we knew how birds got the idea to build nests for their babies -- or how an ancient caterpillar that was so unhappy with its self-image figured out how to become a chrysalis and then a butterfly -- there's no way we would have those little round robot vacuum cleaners. Etc.

A New Prophet: Me?

2009-12-24T09:02:00.000-06:00

If you don’t mind me saying this, God, I think it’s time for another prophet. It has been more than 1,300 years or 2,000 years, depending on whether Mohammed or Jesus was the last prophet to represent your interests. There is some debate about that here on earth. If you feel like trying again, I would like to offer myself as your next prophet. I don’t care how many came before me or will come after me. I’m just happy to serve.

Consider my strengths:

I am an excellent listener and translator. As you know, I was a newspaper reporter for five years and then a business writer for nearly three decades. Obviously, I have a proven track record of faithfully reproducing the thoughts of others for a wide and diverse audience.
I have been recognized as a kind, considerate, compassionate and -- may I say? -- humble person. Just the kind of guy you want on your team.
I have been wearing sandals every summer since middle school.

I have studied the parables of Jesus extensively, and believe I could instruct wayward people in compelling ways using 21st Century examples. Just off the top of my head, mustard seed might become café au lait with a shot of caramel. Killing a calf to welcome the return of the prodigal son is unheard of in modern civilization. Instead, maybe the kid’s parents pay off his remaining college loans. This is the type of creativity you can expect from Joe Fumo the Prophet.

The rest of this document assumes my role would be to convey your wishes that people do not let earthly desires sidetrack them from receiving their eternal reward. That’s what other prophets focused on, and I’m cool with it. If we’re in agreement, then we can go in one of two directions:

(1) You tell me exactly what you want people to hear, and I will deliver public speeches, write sacred texts, use the Internet to its full potential, and pay close attention to emerging media as vital communication outlets.

(2) You give me general guidelines on key messages -- the 30-million-foot view -- and I’ll convey them in my own way (e.g., parables relevant to the present age).

Whatever method you choose, I will do my very best to spread the word far and wide. Like you, I think people focus too much energy on the pursuit of pleasure. Men chase women, women buy handbags, and so on and so forth.

The real question is: How to cut through the clutter? How to make it clear that my words are actually your words? For centuries, people have been warned about false prophets. That does not appeal to me one iota. No, sir! I want to be the real thing.

Consider giving me a physical feature that would scream “sent from above.” How about as I’m speaking your word to the multitudes, whenever I blink, they see a vision of yourself in a white robe with arms outstretched? Or my fingernails sparkle in a shifting palette of colors when I deliver your message, but revert to normal after each sentence? The possibilities are endless!

This may satisfy onlookers, but others would still be suspicious. That’s where the written word really needs to dazzle. Reading my works (or yours, we’ll have to figure out the royalties) could put the reader in a trance. They would suddenly feel warm on cold days, and cold on warm days. On pleasant days, their body would mysteriously vibrate just enough to know you are nudging them toward infinity. This would apply to both the traditional and Braille versions of our works.

Between the blinking, the fingernails, the temperature changes and the subtle vibrations, this ought to take care of 90 percent of the population. Let the other 10 percent rot in hell. I mean, what’s it there for? As nasty as hell sounds, it serves a purpose because it encourages good behavior here on earth. If I’m as effective a prophet as I think I can be -- given some of the ideas I’ve outlined -- then I’ll drastically change the heaven/hell ratio. After I’m gone, people will gradually forget my core teachings and fall back into bad habits. Wait a couple centuries and send another prophet to get the ratio back up to 90/10, would be my suggestion.

Rather than playing the prophet game, why not simply pay us a visit yourself? Pick a day and appear everywhere simultaneously on that day each year until we finally see things your way. January 1 is an obvious choice, but don’t rule out the day after Thanksgiving, when many people are just beginning to honor your son by buying Christmas gifts.

Would I make a good prophet, or what?

Ethnic Restaurants

2009-12-19T17:35:00.000-06:00

When humans dine on Earth 2.0, will they have a wide array of ethnic cuisine to choose from? I hope so, but not at the expense of ethnic warfare. If the latter is necessary for the former to exist, then perhaps porridge, broth, grog and ale will have to suffice. It would be a shame, though, if future people could not enjoy eggplant parmesan or a savory enchilada.

The larger question is whether humans will place so many borders around themselves in their new world. With free will, anything's possible. That's why I'm so keen on you giving people free will with restrictions. They won't have to know about the restrictions -- just like we don't know how the universe came to be. Make it outside the realm of possibility. People will realize that they can live wherever they want (e.g., right here, over by that mountain, near the white sandy beach), but they won't have the capacity to label a certain space a country or a state or a city.

Do you realize how much money could be saved in forest ranger outfits alone, if we didn't have so darn many governmental units? Just one design and one color, not hundreds or thousands of variations!

Earthly Rewards

2009-12-07T17:39:00.000-06:00

Today's mail included rewards from two companies that I patronize: a hardware store and a telecommunications giant. Other firms also reward me for my business, including an office supply outlet, a banking organization, and a handful of others that are not top of mind. Competition has gotten to the point where businesses feel they have to reward their customers or they'll never seem 'em again.

Suggestion for Earth 2.0: If you allow capitalism, please find some way for two hardware stores in close proximity to enjoy reasonable profits without saddling their customers with frequent savings alerts and thank-you bucks. We spend more time redeeming our earthly rewards than we do striving for spiritual rewards. Yet another example of free will spiraling out of control!

Time Release

2009-11-29T17:36:00.001-06:00

I believe the most rewarding type of comedy is when the humor gradually unfolds. Sure, Three Stooges head-bonking has a certain charm, but you don't really analyze it and share its nuances with friends. Moe simply brings the heads of Larry and Curly forcefully together, and they react as you would expect. Contrast that to Monty Python's brilliant "Lumberjack" skit, in which the singing lumberjack turns from a masculine tree-cutting dynamo to a cross dresser. We are surprised by the end result, despite the lumberjack giving us clues throughout. Does he not confess to going shopping, having buttered scones for tea, and even pressing wild flowers? The slow buildup keeps us enthralled.

I bring up "time release" comedy because it mirrors our understanding of life on earth and the cosmos around us. The first humans did not understand that gravity held their feet to the ground and also caused our planet to orbit the sun. Gradually, we became inquisitive and built ever more powerful devices to study the forces of nature. I have no problem with the slow buildup of knowledge. But why did it take until just a few years ago for text messaging to emerge? Pheidippides wouldn't have had to run from Marathon all the way to Athens to communicate a battlefield victory. If you recall, he dropped dead just after delivering the news. Ouch!

That's just one example. Perhaps a silly one, but in the new world you're designing, what the heck? Roll the dice and see if an accelerated understanding of our world and development of useful gadgets is a good thing. If the answer is Yes, then "time release" comedy probably wouldn't be as funny. Humorous head-bonking will seem like an art.

Margin for Error

2009-11-25T11:10:00.000-06:00

In American football, an offensive lineman flinches and the referee throws a flag for "illegal movement." The lineman's team is backed up 10 yards, or 10% of the entire field of play. What has the world come to when a human being cannot move a neck muscle two inches to the left or right without being admonished in front of 70,000 people -- and millions more watching the televised broadcast?

This is in stark contrast to many other common activities, where the margin for error is much greater. For example, males who stand when they urinate have a generous bowl to accommodate various angles and velocities of their streams. Tying shoelaces has built-in flexibility and ample opportunities to start all over again. I'm just looking for consistency with respect to what society tolerates and what it does not. I thought I'd raise this with you since you're taking a good hard look at the entire spectrum of humanity.

Complex Coupons

2009-11-17T19:13:00.002-06:00

Must it be so complicated to buy consumer goods? This morning, an advertisement for a department store had me titillated with the promise of "50% off and more" on literally thousands of items storewide. My eyes were bulging out of their sockets when they came upon a coupon offering an extra 20% off a single sale price apparel or fine jewelry item.

My world sobered up in a hurry when I read the fine print. Said coupon was useless on Yellow Dot Clearance, Incredible Value merchandise, Bonus Buys, Door Busters and many other items -- including Breast Cancer Awareness merchandise! I put the advertisement aside and turned to a competitor's flyer, where I could get $10 off a purchase of $25 or more, provided I did not choose Everyday Values, Specials, Super Buys, selected Licensed Departments or a few dozen other categories -- including Not Your Daughter's Jeans!

After you destroy all life on our planet and give it a total makeover, I hope that saving money on consumer goods is easier than spelling Massachusetts. Wait a minute: I just thought of something. Maybe you're trying to stop us from shopping in the first place. If so, what a brilliant way of getting your point across!.

Hide the Bad News

2009-11-10T16:20:00.000-06:00

If there are newspapers or magazines on Earth 2.0, could you see to it that bad news does not make the front page or the cover? Matter of fact, it would be great if that stuff appeared exclusively on left-hand pages, which take more effort to find. If you care to go a step further, make the editors of the future use smaller type for the bad news than they do for the good news.

To summarize, stories like "Inspector Finds No Problems Whatsoever With City Playgrounds" should appear on a right-hand page, while stories like "Bolsheviks Execute Czar Nicholas II and Family" should appear on a left-hand page in smaller type. How about a smaller type size and a smaller font? For example, Arial Narrow 9 pt. for the bad news vs. Arial 10 pt. for the good news. I'll leave the details up to you.

If there are computers on Earth 2.0, I ask that you make it difficult for us to find bad news. It could be as simple as, "For sorrow and heartbreak, click here." You with me?

Round and Round

2009-11-05T21:59:00.000-06:00

I'm told that the moon orbits the earth, the earth orbits the sun, and the sun orbits the center of the Milky Way galaxy. On a much tinier level, I'm told that an atom consists of electrons orbiting around a nucleus of protons and neutrons.

If all this is true, it certainly explains why humans always seem to go round in circles and can never finish anything important (like ending poverty or rush hour traffic). It also explains why the 100-meter dash is so thrilling: (1) starting gun, (2) everybody runs in a straight line for 9-10 seconds, (3) the winner breaks the tape. A less thrilling, but equally satisfying, example is walking to your local hardware store, buying a hammer, walking home, and pounding a nail so you can hang your framed Magritte poster. Boom! Mission accomplished.

If you want my opinion (and why wouldn't you, if I was truly created in your image?), I think we're destined for misery as long as we remain out of sync with the fundamental principles of the universe. To be in perfect harmony, humans need to be orbiting one another. I'm not sure how practical this would be. Just thinking out loud here... I see children orbiting their parents throughout the day, and parents orbiting their neighbors (or maybe their parents, or even their supervisors if they work outside the home). Neighborhoods could orbit other neighborhoods, cities could orbit cities, supervisors could orbit supervisors, businesses could orbit businesses, and so forth. Clearly, I'm out of my element here. But I'm sure you can figure it out. That's why we call you God!

Dementia & Such

2009-10-29T21:22:00.000-05:00

Not sure how you're going to approach degenerative brain disorders in 2.0. If you feel strongly about them, may I make a suggestion? Allow the person to retain only good memories and forget the bad ones. That way, you would win and we would win.

To use myself as an example, I'd like to remember all of my birthday parties, children, island vacations and terrific bargains on consumer goods. At the same time, I'd like to completely forget about the day in second grade when I (expletive deleted) in my pants because I was too embarrassed to ask to be excused from class so I could take a proper dump. Or the times that my "humor" was mistaken for "criticism" or "sarcasm." See where I'm "going" with this?

Hair

2009-10-18T19:40:00.000-05:00

I have no problems with the gradual decay of the human body. It's right in line with the gradual growth and development of a person -- from "Mama, Dada" through K-12 education through career twists/turns through relationship ups/down all the way to the moment one ceases to be. If you look on the bright side, old age has its benefits. Younger people are often quite pleasant around them, and show them a great deal of respect. One reason, I'm sure, is because they realize that old people will soon cease to be.

For Earth 2.0, may I ask that you keep an aging person's hair youthful and dynamic right to the end? Give them a little victory each day. Let me offer you an example. In the song, "Why I Sing the Blues," B.B. King belts out these lines:
Now Father Time is catching up with me
Gone is my youth
I look in the morning every day
And Lord it tells me the truth

Let mirrors of the future balance aging facial features with a full head of hair, styled as desired by the decaying person.

Human Digestive System

2009-10-15T19:19:00.002-05:00

This is a master stroke! It certainly helps the cause of religious fundamentalists who think evolution is a bunch of rubbish. "How can such a complex organism as a human being have come from fish who learned how to crawl out of the gosh darn ocean?" they have been known to ask. Now, I'm sure all creatures have a digestive system, but ours is in a class by itself. Since we're on top of the food chain -- and therefore able to eat anything below us -- you knew that the human digestive system would have to be extremely complex to get the job done. I wanted to point out one of your strengths to balance my many critiques.

Speaking of which, may I offer a suggestion to make our digestive system even more awesome than it is? Less gas, please. It ruins many car trips and courtships.

Too Courteous

2009-10-12T18:35:00.000-05:00

As a followup to my last entry (Simple Courtesies), I find it equally disconcerting when a driver is too courteous. One day later, at the very same four-way stop where I was subjected to a non-blinking motorist, I pulled up to the intersection in order to turn left and begin my day. Another vehicle, to my left, pulled up a few moments before I did, thus entitling him to proceed first. The driver did not advance. I waited another few seconds, in case he was distracted or still waking up. Nothing. So I took my turn (his turn, actually) because I really wanted my day to begin. If I recall correctly, I used your name in vain. Sorry about that.

I realize that inconsistent behavior, of the kind I have just documented, makes the human race fascinating. And it's probably responsible for many scientific and cultural achievements. That's great. But I wish human inconsistencies would not also be annoying to the point where names are taken in vain. Can you look into that?

Simple Courtesies

2009-10-09T22:34:00.000-05:00

There are any number of reasons why a person making a right turn at a four-way stop sign would not signal, thereby causing me -- who pulled up at the same time to the driver's right and wishing to turn right -- to wait a few extra seconds because I expected the person to proceed across the intersection in front of me. Had the person activated the vehicle's blinker, I could have turned right sooner. Although this is not "the end of the world," I find this sort of arbitrary approach to society's laws and simple courtesies a little troubling, to be honest. If this type of behavior goes unchecked, the person could well become a cold, heartless killer and be totally surprised when arrested, convicted and violated in prison by a same-sex inmate.

I would like to see the new world populated exclusively by respectful people -- the kind who might have performed on, attended or routinely watched "The Lawrence Welk Show" on public television (see photo below). I'm not expecting everyone to be conservative robots. These same respectful people could have raucous jamborees in their basements or vomit from overeating. As long as they don't cause delays or uncertainty for people at the Earth 2.0 equivalent of a four-way stop.

Waiting 2.0

2009-10-06T18:14:00.000-05:00

In the future, will people have to wait a long time for things? These are some of the major events in life that often take too long:
(a) Waiting for Santa Claus
(b) Waiting for the bus
(c) Waiting for your name to be called by the Department of Motor Vehicles
(d) Waiting for your luggage in baggage claim
(e) Waiting for the right person to come along so you can find love or marriage
(f) Waiting for your career to take off
(g) Waiting to die when you're in extremely poor health

My suggestion would be to assess each person's capacity to wait without going bonkers, and then keep their waiting times under that threshold. If this works, you could do the same for pain. Or even disappointment, if you don't mind a somewhat broader category.

High School Clubs

2009-10-03T22:27:00.001-05:00

Will high schools in your newly designed world have clubs for Photography, Art, Chess, Math and all the usual interests of youths who are on the precipice on adulthood? Or will you jazz it up with topics like Homework Avoidance Strategies, Unique Ways to Start a Conversation, Mating Rituals and Future Wine Critics? Prepare them for the real word, I say.

While I'm on the subject, I wonder if high school will even be necessary. If you design a perfect world, everyone would be born with just the right amount of education they need. Why force kids to sit in a classroom for seven hours a day when they could be making valuable contributions to society?

Instead of formal instruction from ages 5 to 18, consider making all knowledge accessible by pressing firmly on a body part, such as the collarbone. Whatever you wish when you press will instantly come to life. A Dome of Knowledge would envelop you and three-dimensional information would appear. You would never have to ask your dad how a garage door opener works!

Sports Teams

2009-10-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

I've given you many serious suggestions to incorporate into Earth 2.0, so here's an entirely optional idea that you may want to kick around after you've fixed a particularly big problem. Virtually all sports teams are geographic-based. New York Yankees. Manchester United. Green Bay Packers. South Africa Springboks. Los Angeles Clippers. That's all fine and well, but as long as you're starting from scratch, why not base sports teams on the interests of the athletes?

I'll use Spanish professional soccer as an example. There are 20 teams in La Liga, each centered around a fixed longitude and latitude coordinate. As an experiment, I would like to see one team comprised entirely of skilled soccer players who also enjoy hiking, one team of motorcycle enthusiasts, one of wood-carvers, one of Type AB blood donors, etc. There would be 20 stadiums spread across the country, but no team would have a home stadium. They would rotate every week so that wood-carvers throughout Spain could see their favorite team without extensive traveling. Hardly worth your time, but you could do it as a favor to me. I promise I'll be nice to 20 people tomorrow.

Multi Purpose Things

2009-09-28T21:41:00.001-05:00

Gotta hand it to you, Big Guy! This morning, while sitting under a coconut tree in Puerto Rico after a morning swim in the Atlantic Ocean, it occurred to me how this tree has many purposes. Not only did its leaves provide me shelter from the sun, but it is an important source of milk and food for animals, humans and probably bugs. There may be other uses for the coconut tree that I'm not aware of (since I did not create the world).

For Earth 2.0, I hope you'll err on the side of creating things with multiple purposes as opposed to one purpose -- like a golf course.

Earthly Paradise as Reward

2009-09-25T20:58:00.001-05:00

You should reward good deeds with vacations to whatever destination appeals to the person. In my case, Palomino Island off the NE coast of Puerto Rico. This is serenity in the extreme. While floating on my back in the green Caribbean waters, time and worldly concerns evaporated. I'm insinuating that I've done enough good deeds to warrant a slice of paradise.

I'll take your silence as a resounding Yes. Obviously, not everyone who performs good deeds can afford to get away from it all for a few days (as I've explained in my Haves vs Have-Nots Entry). I'm not sure if you're going to keep the economic disparity thing next time around, but if you do, hopefully you can find some mechanism to consistently reward good deeds. "Love thy neighbor as thyself" would be so natural that you wouldn't have to send a prophet down here to tell us.

Bodily Confinement

2009-09-22T23:04:00.001-05:00

On the way home from the shopping mall today, I waited patiently for a man in a wheelchair to cross the walkway. I thought to myself, "I have to tell God about this." I mean, WTF is bodily confinement all about? Is this your way of showing these people how grateful they should be for the many good things in their life? And/or to make the rest of us appreciate our upright state?

I'm not sure either of these really work. In my case, I simply feel bad for immobile individuals and wish they could live in a world where they are free to walk or run at whatever pace they feel comfortable with at a given point in time. Unless you have a compelling reason for major physical ailments that last a lifetime, I would ask that you correct this blip when you design the new human race. Boy, am I thankful that I still have the ability to type messages to you!

The Appeal of Apparel

2009-09-21T16:56:00.000-05:00

In case you missed it, this text appeared next to a picture of a well-dressed male advertising Calvin Klein's Fall 09 Suit Separates collection: "Heads turn, eyes gaze, your moment arrives. After all, you dress to impress with an array of modern styles just waiting for compliments. This is your edge -- keep it sharp."

No complaints about the writing, but wondering why we pay more attention to our apparel than we do to homeless people, overeating or other issues of great import. We're better than this, and we know it. But we keep forgetting because the ads are so compelling. I mean, this fella was Handsome with a capital "H" and I don't say that out loud very often. For a fleeting moment, I wanted to be him. And that's just plain wrong because I like myself. So, maybe you could downplay the amount of adverts in the future -- or at least their effectiveness. Keep clothes random and exciting, though. Choice is very important to the human condition.

Corrective Lenses

2009-09-18T23:01:00.001-05:00

Vision is quite the mystery, God, I've gotta hand it to you. It doesn't seem to make sense that so many people need corrective lenses in order to fully appreciate the world you created. Once again, was seven days a bit rushed? Someday I'll jot down all the things that I feel could have been modified had you given yourself just one extra day to assess your creation and tweak it. (I would throw crooked teeth in there, as well.)

On the other hand, when I reach my final destination and all things are revealed unto me, I will understand why it was necessary for humans to wear glasses, place contact lenses on their eyes, have cataract surgery, etc. I will probably laugh at my naivety. "It was one big metaphor!" I may shout, after I've stopped laughing. "How can we expect perfect vision when we can't even see YOU?" I cannot laugh about it now, though, because I do not have the distance necessary to recognize my naivety. Get it? Distance? Vision? One day, you must tell me what you think of puns. I've always wondered...

The Beginning

2009-09-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

I really, really like the fact that no one can figure out how the universe began. The "big bang" theory is merely a theory. If we had the "big brain," we could understand the worlds around us. Compared to you, we have the brain of a hazelnut (also called a filbert). Let's say you created the universe x gazilliionoid years ago on a Saturday afternoon. Humans will never be able to conclusively prove it because we cannot get our arms around creation. Or time. I mean, how does anyone know that light travels at 186,000 miles per second? Scientists don't travel that far in their entire life! In fact, they barely leave their cubicles for lunch.

I'm all for eternal mysteries. They stretch the mind and create employment for many people. I hope you don't give future people all the answers. Keep us baffled. We need it.

Birthdays

2009-09-14T12:37:00.000-05:00

As you know, today is the birthday of a good friend of mine. I hope you retain personal celebrations like this on Earth 2.0. It's important to put the concerns of day-to-day existence on pause every once in awhile. They will surely be there after all your gifts are opened and your special day draws to a close.

Here's a suggestion for taking birthdays to a new level -- allow only one person to be born on a particular day of the year. That may necessitate changing the Earth-Sun rotation pattern so there are an infinite number of days per year. I'm sure that wouldn't stretch you. Every person would have the world's attention on them for a day, which would provide extra incentive for them to be nice throughout the year. Attention also would be drawn to the person's community, which would be educational for everyone. Who loses in a scenario like this?

Dominion Over Life

2009-09-11T17:02:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, I authorized a private business to come to my house and obliterate a wasp's nest so that another private business could access the air conditioning unit shutoff valve for annual maintenance. In essence, I was given dominion over the lives of these wasps. This makes me a little uncomfortable because I wouldn't want to be in their position. Then again, I didn't ask to be placed atop the food chain. My advice, God, is to think real hard about which species to whom you give dominion over life and death. If you choose humans again, don't make them feel weird about it. Or like wussies, in my case. Where's the fun in that?

Ambiguity

2009-09-09T17:58:00.000-05:00

You know what phrase strikes the most fear into me these days? "Have a good one." Not fear for my life or safety, but fear of the unknown. Have a good what? I am given no parameters. Absolutely no context for how I might be able to have a good one. Give me a rough idea of where you want me to go to fulfill your request. North? South? East? West? Toward the nearest sun-drenched park bench? I am clueless. All of a sudden, doubt has entered my life.

I guess what I'm saying, God, is that there's way too much ambiguity down here. Sometimes it's more serious than the little anecdote I've just shared. Take, for example, all of these religions and prophets that have been swarming around for centuries. Are they all legit? Or do we have to choose? Maybe you could make things more cut-and-dried next time, and leave less to our imagination.

Imperfect Skin

2009-09-08T22:50:00.001-05:00

I know what you're thinking, God: "Here comes another critique of my creation, just because some guy has an underarm rash and an itchy scalp." Surprise! I am here to congratulate you, not to scold you.

You're right -- I went to see a dermatologist today to clear up these minor medical anomalies. And he did just that, with a simple cortisone shot and two prescriptions. The doc has given me both prescriptions in the past, as well as the cortisone shot (right buttock, if you're scoring this at home), so I know they will bring me quick relief. The reason I'm congratulating you is because I have no problems with an occasional visit to clear up imperfect skin. I win because it's not life-threatening, and the doctor wins because he is one office visit richer. But what really impresses me is how you concocted such a simple, yet rewarding scheme for all participants.

I wish everything in life could be resolved so painlessly.

Decay

2009-09-06T16:51:00.000-05:00

Next time around, could you drastically reduce the amount of work necessary to maintain a home? I am truly baffled why exterior windows, garages and other wood surfaces slowly decay and have to be scraped and repainted every few years. Think of the many good deeds we could do if we weren't spending so much time with hardware store items clenched firmly in the palm of our hands.

I would suggest giving people more intelligence so they could construct living spaces with maintenance-free materials. Some homes are virtually maintenance-free, but this is a very recent development. Unfortunately, my home was built in the Decay Era. Please give this serious consideration. It may seem trivial to you, but it's causing us to spin our wheels down below.

Intrusions

2009-09-04T17:24:00.001-05:00

Small complaint here. More of a tweak. If you're extremely busy, you don't even have to read it. Anyway, I was driving my car with the windows rolled down this afternoon, doing errands on a picture perfect early fall day, when a very noisy truck whizzed past in the opposite direction and spoiled my serene mood. I'm sure the driver did not purposely intrude on the music I was listening to (blues master Freddie King) and my peaceful thoughts. I realize we're all in this thing together, heading in different directions to get where we need to go. But I've often wished there was a more intricate "grand design" that would minimize sudden intrusions like this.

How's this for a plan? In the new world you're designing, if a person (let's call him Anton) knowingly annoys someone, then he has to pay for it in some way. I'll leave the consequences to you, but a few things come to mind: (1) Anton does not get the next job he applies for, (2) Anton's soy milk has a powerful stench just as he begins pouring it over his breakfast cereal, (3) Anton's date scurries off to the ladies room and never returns, or worst of all, (4) life passes Anton by. Maybe he'd have to annoy a dozen people for No. 4 to occur. It's up to you, God. I'm just the idea man.

Canine Urination

2009-09-02T18:06:00.000-05:00

I really admire how dogs can piss so frequently during a walk. They're quite adept at releasing a small quantity each time so they'll have some left in the tank for the very end. I wish you would have embedded more of this self-restraint into the human race. Just think how many people could have avoided incarceration! Or upset stomachs. Please add this to your to-do list for the Earth 2.0 project.

After the Meal

2009-08-31T21:35:00.001-05:00

Would it make sense to drastically reduce the "cleanup" time after humans eat their meals? I realize that at the dawn of civilization, tidying up after gnawing raw animals was quite a bit simpler. Then, as our taste buds became more refined and dinner was elevated to an art form, obviously there were more dirty dishes and silverware to wash. "Hey, you did this to yourselves," you could say. And you'd be right.

People in the new world are going to follow the same path -- you know it and I know it. So why not give them a dazzling display of your mercy and allow the grime to vaporize once the head of household gives a signal that the meal is over? Let me suggest three loud taps on the table with an elbow. This would give you both a visual and audible clue (in case you're multitasking).

Transportation Woes

2009-08-30T22:29:00.001-05:00

Saw a car smashed up against a tree on the ride back from St. Paul to Milwaukee today. I flashed forward to Earth 2.0, where transportation between two fixed points will be completely safe. (I'm assuming we're on the same page with this.) People will live longer, and their "next of kin" will have one less thing to be distressed about.

I know what you're thinking: "Everyone would drive mindlessly if there are no consequences. With all due respect, Joe, you don't have a great deal of experience designing worlds." I knew you were going to say that, so let me respond with: "All I'm doing is hoping for perfection next time around. If it's not possible, well, at least I've given it my best shot. You wouldn't expect anything less from me, would you?" Of course, you would agree. And that means a lot to me, God. It really does.

Thanks for the Nice Vistas

2009-08-29T22:07:00.002-05:00

I thoroughly enjoyed the rich, almost "quilted" cloud patterns during the drive from Milwaukee to St. Paul today. It was overcast the whole day, as you know, and the contrast between light gray and dark blue within each cloud made for a very complex visual experience. Plus, the rolling hills and serene farms of western Wisconsin were quite a treat.

That got me thinking. It's a shame that some places on earth have nice vistas, while other places seem to be a waste of your prodigious creativity. For every western Wisconsin, there is a central Indiana. And I suppose that's okay. If you can make all of Earth 2.0 visually enticing, great! But if it would interfere with new approaches to reducing crime, preventing mental health problems, or helping people in urban areas drive their vehicles in a more courteous manner, then don't worry about. I'd rather have you focus on the big picture.

Nutrition Tips

2009-08-27T19:56:00.003-05:00

You've made some mighty tasty foods, God. Mighty tasty, indeed. But why does the really good stuff contribute to obesity and its companion, low self-esteem? Logically, it should be the other way around. I mean, why tempt us with food that contributes to round tummies and looming medical problems? Macadamia nuts spring to mind.

On a less weighty note (sorry), could you prevent apples from turning brown so quickly once their skin is broken by mouth or knife? I just made some apple boats today to enjoy with a garlic hummus dip. I didn't want to eat the whole apple at once, so I kept half the slices on a dish next to the hummus. About half an hour later, I returned for more of the same and noticed the apples were turning brown. The hummus was fine at room temperature, incidentally, so great job with that.

I may have additional food tips for you, but I wanted to send these while they were top of mind. Plus, I'm not sure how far along you are in the Earth 2.0 redesign.